Jaleberd's Bumps. A phrenological experiment

Chapter I. Doctor Flight Solicits The Honour Of My Ac- Quaintance

I had concluded six months' imprisonment at Coldbath Fields, and stood ranged with about a dozen others in the yard that we might have the advantage of a few words of good advice from the Chaplain before we were discharged. It was, as I knew from frequent experience, the usual thing. Mr. Wheatley and his man Jim were in attendance to invite us to breakfast, the object being to put those who were so disposed in the way of getting an honest living. I was not that way inclined myself. I have got nothing to say against the Prisoners' Aid Society. I know many they have taken in hand and helped But the first steps they take towards convincing a person that honesty is the best policy does not agree with everyone's constitution. They did not agree with mine. Thieving is a light occupation and cleaning old bricks isn't. That was my job.

I accepted the invitation to breakfast, and after it was over Mr. Wheatley says to me, " Well, my man, the best I can do for you is to get a dealer in old building materials to give you a trial, and your job will be to clean the mortar off old bricks, so that they may be used again for building purposes, and the rate of pay is sixpence a hundred." I agreed to go at it at once. But if there is one kind of hard work that is more disgusting than an other, it is cleaning old bricks. You pick them off a heap, and chip off the old mortar which is as hard as Portland cement, with a trowel. I had one whole da)7 at it, and earned eightpence ha'penny, and came away from the yard with three fingers tied up in rag, and a big blister on one thumb. " Cuss brick cleaning," says I, " I'd a sight sooner be on the treadmill, or picking oakum."

And before three days had passed, I was picking it. That was all the good that going in for the " best policy " line of business did for me. It got me locked up again. My fingers were that stiff and sore, that the very first attempt I made at picking a pocket, I bungled at it, and was taken, and being an old offender. I was lucky to get off with as light a sentence as six months. Which, as I have already said, I had worked out and was with the other discharged ones in the prison yard, when says the Prisoners' Aid gentle man: " Well, Bird " (that was the name I always gave in when " doing time." It was shorter and sweeter than the other). " Well, Bird," says he, " can I do anything for you ? Are you quite willing to have another try at getting an honest living ? " " Yes, I mean having another try, sir," says I, " but, thanking you all the same, I won't trouble the Society The fact is, a friend of mine has offered to take me in hand and teach me the gold watch case making."

I am not quite sure that he believed it, but it shut him up, which was all I wanted. But when I was let out, and had got half-way up Gray's Inn Lane, I was tapped on the shoulder ! Little things like that, naturally, make a man feel nervous, and I was just about to run for it, when I caught sight of the chap who wished to stop me. I saw at once that he didn't have anything to do with the police force. He was dressed like a gentleman, and he wore brown kid gloves, and blue spectacles. A nervous-looking little chap with a pale face and a bulging forehead. " He's another of the reforming sort," I thought " but it isn't likely to be old bricks again, so I may as well listen to what he has got to talk about." " Young man," he says politely, "you will excuse the liberty I take in addressing you.

You have just been released from gaol ? " " I am well aware of it. What next ? " " This next," says he ; " may I take the liberty of offering you some refreshment ? ' "Thanky," says I, "I've had the offer of bread and butter and coffee once already this morning. I have not got the appetite to do justice to it." " But I made no mention of coffee and bread-and butter," says he. " What do you say to a glass of brandy-and-water and a cigar ? " I couldn't help staring at him. He was not what I took him for at first, that was certain. It was less like old bricks than ever, and I couldn't make it out. " You can't suppose that I could be so unkind as to joke with you on such a subject," says he. "I am quite in earnest. There is a convenient tavern just across the road. Come along." I had a suspicion of him now.

" You are not one of the reforming sort, but the un-reforming," I says to myself. " I have heard of 37our sort before, though I have never fell in with them. You are one of those gentlemen who wait about forprisoners just discharged, to get them to join their gang. But I am too wideawake to be caught in that trap. I'll take your offer of a smoke and a drink, and then I'll tell you straight what I think of you." So I said I was much obliged to him, and we went over to the public-house, and he called for brandy and water for me, and a small lemonade for himself. Then says he, quite pleasantly, " You wonder, no doubt, what I can have to say to you. But you will probably be not a little surprised when you learn what I have to propose." " Don't you make so sure of that," says I, laughing. ■ It isn't more than two to one that I can't tell you what you are going to propose to me without your saying another word about it."

He looked amused and puzzled as well. " I should say," said he, "if it was a matter of wagering, that a thousand, — ten thousand, to one would more nearly represent the odds against your guessing what I am about to suggest to you ; so it will be mere waste of time for you to attempt it. Permit me to explain, You must know, at starting, that I am a bit of a phy siognomist. You know what that is, I suppose ? I profess to be able to judge a man's character by his face.' " And what might be your judgment on mine ? " " Well, you must excuse me if I answer your question frankly," says he, all the time looking me steadily in the eye. " I am much mistaken if you are notj.what is called an out-and-out bad one." "You are pitching it pretty strong in an opening remark," says I, feeling rather savage ; " what do you mean by it ?

" " I mean just this," he says quite coolly • " if a more viciously-disposed individual than yourself was ever shut up in yon large building," and he pointed with his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of Cold bath, "I should like to make his acquaintance. I should say," he continued, with an affable smile and after an other steady look at me, " that it would be difficult to mention an evil propensity you are not addicted to !" Pretty well, from a stranger, that was. I felt more certain than ever that he was one of the un-reforming sort, and while I got on with the cigar and the brandy and-water, said nothing in reply to his last observa tion. " All right," I thought to myself, " have your say out. I hain't a physiognomist, but you shall hear my opinion of you presently ! " " I should infer from superficial observation," the little gentleman continued, eyeing my head as though it were some curiosity under a glass case, " that you have not, nor ever had, the least idea of the sacred rights of property."

" All the same," says I, giving him a knowing wink. " that isn't any obstacle to your making me the offer you have got in your mind." " Exactly, you have just hit it," he says, quite seriously ; " it is anything but an obstacle to my making you the offer. It is an inducement. Like wise, for the purpose I have in view. I have no objection to your never having approached anything in connection with religion except to scoff at it, or to your having so small a regard for the truth, that if you choose to be candid with me, I have no doubt you would be able to confirm my impression that a greater liar never opened his lips." We were in a private compartment of the public house bar, and had it all to ourselves, and he spoke in such a soft and smooth kind of voice that nobody could well overhear him.

But I was riled. I had been reckoned up before, many a time, by magistrates, without much regard for my feelings, but never to this extent. I had drunk all the brandy-and-water, and, for half a pin, I would have thrown the glass at him, but I managed to restrain my temper. " And now, having saddled me with all these ami able qualities," says I, " what do you make of it ? What business is it of yours ? " I suppose I scowled a bit, for he hastily laid his hand on my shoulder in a soothing way. " My good friend ! " he says, " pray don't misunderstand me, or be in the least offended at my freedom of speech. As for the qualities that I have, as you say, saddled you with, they make you exactly suitable for my purpose. It is because I suspected you of being such an exceptionally bad fellow that I followed you from the prison gate and sought this conversa tion."

" You go on talking," says I, " but you don't come to the point. Good or bad. I don't want to be bothered or badgered by anybody. Out with it. What do you want with me ? " " Aye ! There you hit the nail on the head. By the-way, have you any objection to my putting my hands over your cranium. Give me permission to do so, and then I will explain what is my business with you in two minutes." I began to swear at him then, I couldn't help it. ' Come outside," says I, " like a man, and try poking fun at me there." But with his hand on my shoulder again, he begged me to believe him, when he said that nothing was further from his intention than to poke fun at me. " I assure you," said he, " on the word of a gentle man, and a member of an honourable profession, that it will be much to your advantage if we can come to an amicable understanding.

Take this half-soverei _i in earnest of it." Of course I took it. "He is not a reformer, and he is not an unreformer,' thinks I to myself. " He is cracked, that's about the matter with him, and if there is a bit of money to be made out of him, I may as well have it as anybody else" So I pocketed the half-sovereign, and took off my cap, and he passed the tips of his fingers over my head just as if he was playing on the piano. That done, he appeared more pleased than before. " I think," he presently remarked, " that we had best defer further conversation until we have more privacy than can be obtained here. But — I should have asked you the question before — what are your immediate intentions ? " ' As regards what ? " " You, of course, had plans for the future, when you came out of prison. Have you a prospect of employment ?

Of honest work, I mean ? Or had you made up your mind to go on in the old way ? " " Old ways and new are all the same to me ; with which pays best, for choice. If you will be so good as to tell me straight what it is you are driving at, I shall be better able to answer you.-' "Listen to me, then ; would you be willing to engage yourself to me for a few weeks — a few months, pro bably, if the remuneration were satisfactory ? " "Perhaps," says I, "you won't mind answering a question of mine before I reply to yours ? When you propose engaging me, what should I have to do ? ' " Well," says he, looking puzzled, " that may seem to you a simple question, but really, I hardly know how to answer it. Strictly speaking, you would have nothing to do, except, of course, to obey me when I gave you any particular instructions."

" But I should have to work. I should be called on to do something for the money you paid me ? " " Well, put in that light," he made answer, and with a look in his eyes that increased my impression that he was not quite right in his head, " it, of course, would be employment of a sort." " But what," says I, " would be the penalty if I was caught at it ? " He laughed at that. " My good fellow, all that I shall require of you will be to place yourself absolutely in my hands, and there will be no more catching for you ; no more prison punishments ; no more evil con sequences of any kind. Come along with me to the nearest quiet spot — to Lincoln's Inn Square, say — and we will have a chat, and then, if you are agreeable, we will go home together to my house. I am Doctor Flight, of Grandby Street, Bloomsbury Square."

Chapter II

I COME TO TERMS WITH DOCTOR FLIGHT AND ACCOMPANY HIM TO HIS HOUSE. THE MYSTERIOUS EXPERIMENTS. THE YELLOW SPOT ON THE PILLOW. It seemed a queer sort of business. Whether Doctor Flight was in his right senses or not, I could not form an opinion, but his way of talking was sane enough, and his manner certainly was that of a man who is bent on business. There was one thing that made me think favourably of him — he had plenty of money. When he took out his purse to give me the half sovereign, I noticed that it contained, besides other o-old, two or three folded bank-notes. And, besides that, before he passed his hand over my head he tool off his glove, showing on his little finger a diamond ring that would have been as good as twenty pounds to a man, however he became possessed of it. This of course was all in favour of my keeping in with him for a short time, at all events as long as he was so friendly disposed.

At the same time, I can't deny B I felt shy of him. Even his blue spectacles could not quite conceal the restlessness of his eyes, and with his arm lightly linked in mine he was all the time fidgeting in a measuring kind of way with his finger tips the same as when he was feeling my head. One way and another, it was only my knowledge of that purse in his pocket that restrained me from bidding him good-day and walking off with his half sovereign. Whether or not it would have been better for me had I done so, the reader will by-and-bye be able to judge for himself. Our conversation as we walked round Gray's Inn Square did not inspire me with more confidence in him, or make me feel more comfortable. He gave me to understand that he was deeply interested in scientific pursuits, and was proud to be recognised among his professional brethren as one of the most advanced experimentalists of the age.

With my permission, he said, he should feel great satisfaction in exercising his skill on me. " But what for ? " I remarked. " There is nothin" the matter with me." " That, my friend," he replied, with a shrug of his spare shoulders, " is quite a matter of opinion." " But there is only one opinion required, and that's mine. If nothing ails me, I can't want curing." " There you are mistaken," he replied, nodding his head as though there could not be the shadow of a doubt as to his being right. " There is so much, — morally speaking, — the matter with you, young man, that I shall regard it as the greatest triumph I have ever achieved if I am able to effect your cure." I thought he had let the cat out of the bag when he said " morally speaking." " Oh ! I see," says I, stopping short in our walk, " that's what's the matter with me !

I am an out-and out bad one, as you say, and you have invented a new sort of religion, and you are going to cure me with it .: I am glad you told me. It's very kind of you, but you would be only wasting your time. I am too tough ! " " Tough or tender," said the doctor petulantly, "you have jumped at a wrong conclusion. You need not be afraid, my friend. I should as soon think of tickling a man in your condition with a feather, as of preach ing to him ; whatever my system may be, there is nothing in it to frighten you from a religious point of view. You may take my word for that." But beyond this, he would give me no explanation. That was the puzzling part of it. I naturally stuck out on that point, but he remained firm. That was his secret, he declared, and for the present it would have to be rigidly preserved.

I enquired if his ex periments would occasion me any pain or suffering, and JALEBERD'S BUMPS. 20 he gave me his positive assurance that they were such as even the most delicate child would not shrink from. On the contrary, though he was not able to say positively, for it was something quite new, and had only once before been tested, he had reasons for believing that the attendant sensations would be pleasant rather than otherwise. " But in what way should I be benefited ? " " In every way. In the first place, I offer you an immediate means of earning money, and that must be something to a man just released from prison, and who, if I may say as much without being offensive, has forfeited his character for honesty." " But, apart from what you paid me for my services, should I be better off as regards getting along in the future, I mean ?

" " Undoubtedly ! " replied the doctor confidently ; "provided my experiments were attended with successful results, I know of no reason why you should not speedily not only become a respectable member of society, but acquire wealth and position. Of course you cannot believe it," he continued, seeing a grin on my face ; " it cannot be expected that you should do so ; but it is as true as that you and I stand here alone at the present moment." " But to make a start in the respectable way I should have to go to foreign parts. Who would trust me here ?" He regarded me curiously before he made answer : "If I were at liberty to explain, I could make it all as clear to you as water in a wine-glass. The actual fact is that you — as you are now, — having passed through my hands, would cease to exist.

Nay ! don't be alarmed, I don't mean that you would be corporally defunct, but as regards all that makes life worth living you would be completely metamorphosised. Do I make myself intelligible ? " " Well, not exactly, but it won't make much difference, I daresay, if I may take your word as a gentleman that you mean what you say." And the truth is when I said it won't make much difference, I meant it, but not in the sense I put it to him. I felt quite sure after his last remarks that he wasn't right in his head, and as soon as I could get that purse out of his pocket without his being aware of it, I intended that we should part company. The worst of it was, that, as though suspecting my intention, he had buttoned his outer coat up to his chin. And it was in the daytime, with plenty of people about !

The only thing to be done was to pretend to fall in with his views and keep him in conversation till prospects brightened. " And suppose I agreed to what you propose, sir how long would you be about the job ? " "That would depend entirely on circumstances, and," he glanced at my head doubtfully, " I shall expect to be confronted with serious difficulties. But mountains," he added with a smile, " may be levelled into plains by patience and perseverance. • It would be a work of time. It would occupy me the greater part of three months, probably." "And should I be always confined to the house while under treatment ? " " Not at all," he readily made answer ; " I have plenty else to attend to most of the time, and your liberty would be almost unrestricted." " I should be a sort of out-patient, then ?

" " Ah ! there you misunderstand me. That is an essential point," said Dr. Flight impressively. " You would be an in-patient in the sense that you would board and lodge at my house. Y'ou would be at liberty during the greater part of the day, but it must be a stringent regulation that you are never away in the evening, and that you sleep in the house. If you failed in this last particular only once — only once, bear in mind — all that had gone before would be so much labour wasted." " And suppose that your experiments fail ? " " Even then," and he faced about and clapped me on the shoulder, " you will have had three months' board and lodging in a perfectly comfortable home, and a new suit of clothes, and maybe you would be the richer by a ten-pound note or so ; and, as regards your physical condition, you will of course be the better."

This rather altered my views. The bird — the purse I mean — was something, but the advantages, as he put them — " in the bush," as one may say, was some thing too ! I was still hesitating, when we turned into Holborn, where there is a wholesale chemist's and druggist's, and he took me in there. " Oh, Mr. Pringle," says he, smilingly, to a gentleman who was sitting at a desk, " will you kindly allow me to refer to you for a character for the satisfaction of this young man, who does not know me, and with whom I am negotiating a little business ? " The gentleman at the desk looked, I thought, a little surprised at the request, as did another gentleman who was grinding up something with a pestle and mortar, and who bent his head over it so as not to be seen grinning. " Sir," said Mr. Pringle, getting up from his seat and making a low bow, " I need say no more than that I know of no one who is more highly esteemed, or more justly so, than yourself."

" I am not one who is likely to break an engage ment, or to make promises I am incapable of per forming ? " " If anybody suggested such a thing to me, sir," returned Mr. Pringle, bowing once more, " I should set JALEBERD'S BUMPS. 24 it down, either that he had been misled by malicious reports, or that he was a person of weak intellect." But at the same time Mr. Pringle glanced at me with a comical twinkle in his eye, which I interpreted as meaning, " Who the deuce are you, with your shabby clothes and greasy old cap, that you can't take a gentleman's word without his getting somebody else to answer for it ?" , It seemed all right now. I no longer hesitated, though I must own I was taken a little aback when, as we were about to pass a hairdresser's, he turned and remarked, " You won't object, I suppose, to having all your hair taken off ?

" "They cut it pretty close at Coldbath," says I. ". There isn't much of it left." " Not much under ordinary conditions, perhaps, but a great deal from my point of view. You must not mind. It will soon grow again." " I want," said he to the barber, when we got inside the shop, "I want you to shave this young man's head perfectly clean. As bald as his forehead, in fact. And, perhaps, you can find him a wig, so that he may not take cold." I certainly should not have agreed to it, but for what I had heard at the wholesale druggist's, and, after all, it was such a trifle it was not worth while to make a fuss about it. Indeed, when the barber had finished me off, and fitted me with a nicely-fitting wig of curly, brown hair, I don't think I would have changed it for my own hair back again, had I been able to.

Nothing could be more certain, than that money was no object with him, and that he intended to treat me well. The wig alone cost him three guineas, and soon after we came out of the hairdresser's we made another call, this time at a ready-made clothier's, and there he rigged me out handsomely, and bought me a new hat as well, so that when we arrived at Blooms bury Square I looked as much a swell as though I had lived there all my life. I was on the right side anyhow. I had a new suit of clothes, a wig that became me better than my own hair, and half a sovereign in my pocket. If I found that his precious " experiments " were not to my liking, what would be easier, since I was to be allowed to go out for a walk whenever I had a mind to, than to walk off altogether ? Doctor Flight informed me, as we walked along towards his abode, that he was a bachelor and had but one servant, an old housekeeper, who had lived with him many years.

It was she who opened the door when we arrived, and I was instantly made aware by the scowl of distrust, not to say disgust, with which she regarded me, that we were not likely to get on very well together. She was a tall, swarthy, keen-eyed, old woman, and seemed equal to taking my measure at a glance in spite of my wig and new suit. " The gentleman I have brought home with me, Mrs. Deborah," began the doctor, as I stood. on the hall mat, while he hung up his hat, " will probably stay here for a time, and I have no doubt that you will do your best to make him comfortable." " It is my duty to obey your instructions, sir," returned Mrs. Deborah stiffh7. " Is this the gentle man ? " And she looked me up and down super ciliously. " Yes, Mrs. Deborah," returned the doctor in a con ciliatory tone, and as though he was rather afraid of her, " a — a friend of mine."

" Oh ! a friend, sir. Not a patient ? Because, sir, you will pardon me for reminding you that the last person that made his appearance here did not exactly bear out — ■" " Yes, yes, I know," Doctor Flight interrupted her, " but we are speaking of this gentleman now. You may call him a patient, if you please, since while he remains my guest he will avail himself of the benefit of scientific treatment. He will dine with me to-day, and sleep here to-night." The old woman looked as though she would have given a quarter's wages for liberty to speak out what was on her mind, but compromised the matter by giving me a look of sour dislike, and then took her self off. The house was elegantly furnished, and on every side there were indications that the doctor was a man of means. Had I really been a gentleman he could not have been more polite.

At the same time, he was quite the master on one point. Oppressed with a sense of mystery, I made a fishing remark, and he was down on me at once. " Now let it be distinctly and once for all under stood between us, John Bird," said he, " you place yourself in my hands without question. As for the nature of my experiments, you need not trouble your self about them, siuce, while they are in progress, you will know nothing of them." " I don't see, sir," said I, " how the knowledge is to be kept from me." " That's all right, then. If you can't see how it can be done, of course, it cannot," he replied smilingly. We were at dinner at the time. " You take caper sauce with your mutton, Bird ? " he asked with a ladleful all ready for me. But the observations he had made but a few moments before made me feel qualmish.