A Snake in the Grass

Front matter

A SNAKE IN THE GRASS. BY SAYE GRACE. My lady's tongue is like the meadow blades That cut you stroking them with idle hand. DUBLIN: SEALY, BRYERS & WALKER, 94, 95 & 96 Middle Abbey Street. LONDON: SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO., Stationers' Hall Court. 1889. CONTENTS. chap. page I. the suit avouldn't fit. ...... 5 II. the shutters avere up, 19 III. HINC II.LÆ LACHRYMÆ, 33 IA7. " AVHAT I CALL A PERSONABLE MAN ! " . . . .46 A7. AN ENTERTAINMENT ON A LIBERAL SCALE. TELLING, MOREOVER, HOAV JULIA'S PAPA STAINED HIS HONOUR, 62 AT. MAMEY PRESCRIBES COCKLE'S ANTIBILIOUS, . . . 7S VII. MR. KILBRIDE THINKS LEAVING DOORS orEN IS PREFER ABLE TO BANGING THEM, 86 VIII. MAMEY BANGS BANAGHER, 97 IX. A HIPPOPOTAMUS AA'OULD BE NEARER THE MARK, . IoS X. MR. BURLEIGH PROPOSES, IIj XI. EDITORIAL COMMENTS ON MR. BURLEIGH'S MISADVEN- TURE, 122 XII. AVITH THE GHOSTS, 1 38 XIII. MR. BURLEIGH IS TURNED OFF, 159 XIV. SOME ONE HAS HAD AN ESCAPE 173 XV. MR. BURLEIGH GOES ON AND PROSPERS, . . . I9I

Chapter I

" But Avho is this Avhose manly grace Proclaims him of athletic race ? Though, sad to say, his lowering brow Betrays he's in a tantrum now ! " yd June, 18 — " Dear Nellie, — I am very glad to hear that you are enjoying your visit so much, and that Mayfield is such a pretty place, and the Aveather so fine, and, above all, some one so delightful. I shall expect to eat your Avedding cake before the year is out, and mind you send me a good slice — a hunch Avon't offend me. I hope I have fulfilled your commissions to your satisfaction ; if I have been stupid you must lay the blame on our next door neighbours. Did you ever happen to live beside a musical family ? Those dreadful MacShindys keep the ball rolling as often as not till two a.m. The Avhile my time is pretty equally divided between clasping my head frantically, and endeavouring, AA-ith indifferent success, to drown ' My Mary Anne ' in the warlike strains of the Battle of Prague " '' Any neAvs in your letter, Nell?

" " Not a Avord, Kate. I was only smiling at Mamey Brown's nonsense. Just listen to this." And having explained the foregoing paragraph I take up the thread of Mamey's discourse — " To night inharmonious discord prevails. In the intervals of ' Home, Sweet Home ' the prop of the house is loudlv threatening to hang himself, Avhile the hope of the ditto is being denounced as a vagabond by the author of his being, and, in return, is dutifully consigning her to a region popularly supposed to be too hot for comfort. For my part, I only AA-ish he AA-ould be obliging enough to bear out his lady mother's description, and set sail to rejoin his love, Avho, he daily assures us, is 'doing the grand on a foreign strand, ten thousand miles aAvay.' Joy be with him in a bottle of moss ; and if he never conies back he'll be no great loss, Avould be my requiem on the departed songster.

"Park Lane is at present not metaphorically but literally a vale of tears.- On Sunday evening Anne and her young man had a conflict of opinion, and ever since she has been retiring into the coal vault, at the most inopportune periods, to indulge her grief free from the light of day. Feeling for her evident distress, in the innocence of my heart, I ventured to suggest that she might ask him to make it up with her ; but she Avouldn't so demean herself: he had gone the length of calling her a fickle hussey, and she Avasn't used to being called out of her name. I said if he had called me a blackamoor, and that I still liked him — I can't fancy that I should like anyone avIio could use such language — I Avould, nevertheless, ask him to let bygones be bygones. ' But he accused me of making sheep's eyes at Johnnie Dodd ! ' sobbed Anne, Avith refreshed vigour. ' I should not care if he said I made bull's eyes at any Dodd that ever Avas born ; conscious of my oaati rectitude I should not condescend to bear malice .' AVe don't always practise what Ave preach, for I confess to a proper spite against someone who did, in vulgar parlance, accuse me of making eyes at him — howeA-er, Anne had too much respect for herself to profit by my advice. 'Saving your presence, Miss,' sniffed the damsel, Aviping her eyes in the corner of her apron, ' you have but a poor sperit ! ' I was foolish enough to be nettled at this estimate of my ' sperit,' and retreated in dudgeon to the parlour, leaving the high sperited one to her grievance.

Her tears may quench the fires before I attempt further consolation. To add to my chagrin at being so depreciated yesterday, I dropped my squirrel boa. As it AA'as the second I had lost in the same AA'ay, I thought I Avouldn't let it go without an effort, so I mentioned my loss to the next policeman, and, in all good faith, asked him, if it happened to be brought to the station, Avould he mind having it for me when I passed this way to-morroAv. He might have hung it round his OAvn neck and Avelcome, at least until I came along, but the ungrateful minion of the law informed ane, Avith an incipient snigger, that he Avas sorry to disoblige me, but it Avould be against the regulations. He suggested my going to Bad Lane to recover the missing boa, but rather than trust my cat's-eye earrings into such an ill-named locality, I preferred to let my property go by the board.

" NotAvithstanding that the daughter of the house has been adjuring her relatives in feeling tones to give their tongues a holiday, the MacShindys are still at it hammer and tongs ; it is to be hoped that to-morrow they won't be necessitated to request the loan of our fire-irons. Did you ever hear of the American family who hired a boy, at five shillings per Aveek, to trot backwards and forwards Avith their neighbour's poker ? The poker Avas not the only article coveted. Those unscrupulous Thompsons borrowed tables and chairs, not to talk of such minor matters as glass and crockery. They even Avent so far as to demand a loan of the front door : at last they sent to borrow the baby ! Flesh and blood revolted from this last enormity. With Avhatever degree of fortitude the paternal parent might have supported the loss, the maternal recoiled in horror.

She had parted with her bustle, her silk stockings, and her coal scuttle, but to be deprived of her precious, Avhose squalls enlivened the tedium of the night Avatches ! HoAvever, you will have something better to do than reading my nonsense, so with all good Avishes, I remain your affectionate cousin, " Mamey Broavn." " I think I remember her at school," says Kate, reflec tively, " a red-eyed child Avho spent her time running up and down stairs, and inventing cock-and-bull stories for the general edification." " I daresay," I allow, placidly eating my toast, " it Avould be just like her." " Altogether she Avas a horrid little thing, and as spiteful as a cat." " I think you are rather hard on her," I interposed mildly, with an eye to the assembled company. " At all events, she seems to be a merry little soul," chimes in Jim, taking up the cudgels for my absent rela tive.

" I can't say she struck me in a particularly cheerful light, for, notwithstanding the pearls of fiction Avith Avhich she regaled the credulous, she spent a considerable part of the day in tears." " I can't endure pettishness," avers Mr. Burleigh, speaking for the first time. Loquacity is not his foible. " Oh, well," says Kate, trying to make amends, " I daresay she has more sense by this time. Indeed I don't think Mamey could very well help herself; she had been fright ened into nervousness. If Nell thinks she Avould care to come to us for a few Aveeks, I should be very glad to have her, and it Avould be a short release from those dreadful people." " I am sure she Avould be very glad of the holiday." " Then Avrite as soon as you like, and tell her to be sure to bring her music." " I think you had better Avrite to her yourself, Kate.

If Mamey does come she Avill make herself quite at home, and never give her tongue a moment's rest ; but she Avon't come unless she has had a formal, and Avhat she considers a sufficiently cordial invitation." So it is settled, and, AA-ith a thrill of satisfaction at my morning's work, I feel I have not only procured Mamey a holiday, but have, moreover, pro vided a companion for the leisure hours that seem to hang so heavily on my fellow-visitor's hands : thereby leaving Jim and me more free to folloAV our own devices. However, on reflection, I am not at all sure that I have gone the right AA'ay to prepossess Mr. Burleigh in favour of the siren who is destined to charm him. During the perusal of Mamey's extraordinary composition he had sat in open-eyed amaze ment. " Does the Avriter live in a back lane ?

" AA-as the question legibly expressed on his handsome stupid face. The request for a loan of the front door had been too much for his equanimity, and I am realiy afraid he thought the allusion to the silk stockings indelicate. So Avith a view to dispel his prejudice, and, if possible, to tone doAATi the bird's eye view of Mamey's home, or rather of her neighbour's, that has been unfolded to his Avondering gaze, I hasten to explain that Mamey Avould say anything for a joke. The person for Avhom the information is especially intended answers nothing — at the best of times he is not a loquacious character — but I can see Avith half an eye that my well-meant intervention is thrown away. Kate's injudicious comment has put an extinguisher on his regard for the expected visitor. " I am sure she is a jolly little girl," Jim Creagh fills up the blank Avith ready kindness.

Jim's good-nature may ahvays be relied upon. You will say I am a partial judge, for though I have not yet spent quite a month at Mayfield, and before that I had only once met Jim, on the occasion of his brother's wedding Avith my dearest friend Kate Rutherford, already, as Mamey Avould say, Ave have made it up, and I am Avearing on the fated finger a simple turquoise and pearl hoop, his gift, and consequently more precious than diamonds in my eyes. I Avonder Avhat Aunt Mary will say Avhen she hears Ave have taken the laAv into our own hands. Kate thinks she ought to be pleased. Kate, like most young matrons, is an inveterate match-maker, and I am sure had an eye to the sequel Avhen she asked me doAvn on a lengthened visit. Indeed she had not been long content to leave me in ignorance of her expectations.

Before I had so much as set foot in the house, during our drive from the station, she had opened fire, and entertained me with an account of Jim's excellence. " I am sure he is all you say," I had agreed Avithout any enthusiasm, when I had heard Avhat a good felloAV he Avas, never putting himself first, and ahvays so ready to oblige. Womanlike, to have his praises dinned into my ears, instead of being left to discover his goodness for myself, had not at all predisposed me in his favour. " Well, I hope — I Avon't say Avhat I hope, Nell, but perhaps you can guess." I should be very stupid if I didn't guess, though I feign complete ignorance. "There he is," and looking out of AvindoAv I saw him lounging along the dusty road, Nap and Carlo both at his heels, his hat tilted well back on his head, a pipe in his mouth, and his hands stuck deep into the pockets of his Avorn shooting jacket.

Hearing Kate's exclamation, he turned with a pleased flush on his sunburnt face, and some how I think I loved him even in that moment. That the course of true love never runs smooth, is, in our case, to be honoured in the breach -rather than in the observance. Jim, TBE GRASS. 10 avIio is but lately qualified, is on the look-out for a practice in which to invest his not very extensive capital, and then we are to set up house together, and live happy ever after, like the people in the story books. So if you have been ■expecting a story of crossed love, Avith the creases smoothed out in the last chapter, you are destined to be disappointed. Jim's love and mine is one of the exceptions that prove the rule, AA'hich is as it should be, for I am afraid Jim Avould be a hero to no one but myself: hoAvever, I am perfectly con tented Avith him, and that is the cardinal point.

The easy good-nature which Avould never willingly Avound the least of God's creatures, is quite heroic enough for me. Hoav grateful to me is the sight of his kindly face, the sound of his pleasant voice about the house, or calling to his dogs doAvn the leafy lanes. Look at him now, standing bareheaded in the sunshine, talking and laughing Avith Mamey, fagged from her journey, Avith as much empressement as though she Avere as pretty as myself — Avhich, though I say it, Avould be no small praise — and got up in faultless style, instead of being, as she is, a little plain girl, looking as though she had got into her clothes anyhow, with her hat awry, and her hair in evident disorder. " I congratulate you, Nell, he's a brick ! " and Mamey, turning to me in the privacy of our joint apartment, enforces her congratulations Avith a kiss that might be heard in the passage outside.

Mamey still adhering to the childish notion, that the louder she smacks the more hearty is the salute. " I always knoAv at first sight Avhether I shall like a person or not," my cousin informs me, Avith her head in her basin. " Oh ! gracious, the soap has got into my eyes — Nell," using her towel — I no longer Avonder at her com plexion — Avith an energy that leaves nothing to be desired. " Do you knoAA-, Nell " " Have some mercy on your skin, Mamey," I interpose mildly, in the interest of outraged beauty. " Oh ! what harm — but, as I Avas saying, I am a believer in the elective affinity. I never remember to have been mistaken but once." "At that rate," I alloAV, "you have been particularly happy in your predilections, for I have occasionally been I BE GRASS. 11 mistaken in people ; hoAvever," with a laugh, " I am glad that Jim meets Avith your unqualified approval."

But if Jim meets with Mamey's approval, Mr. Burleigh is not so fortunate. Sad to say, the elective affinity is not in his favour. When, spick and span, Ave make our way into the draAving-room, that gentleman is standing close by the open French windoAV, talking to Mr. Creagh, his face is towards us, and Mr. Creagh's back. I had not before thought that bashfulness Avas my cousin's failing, but now, as she catches sight of the Burleigh beauty, she gets as red as any cabbage rose, and retreats precipitately on my unfortunate toes. I really believe, if Kate and I Avere not bringing up the rear, she Avould folloAV her first impulse and flee ; as it is, she has willy nilly to stand her ground, and she does it Avith a bad grace. " How are you, Miss — Mamey ? " asks Mr. Creagh, shaking hands in Avelcome.

"Very glad to see you; hope you are not tired with your journey? " Mamey sa3's she is not tired, she had quite a pleasant journey, and she further goes on to inform us Avhat a pleasant companion she had on the journey. " He gave me a Avhole array of comic papers to look at, so in return I offered him some grapes. Grandfather brought me home some last evening on purpose to take with me ; Avasn't it nice of him? So Ave shared the grapes," Mamey goes on, happily unconscious of Mr. Burleigh's petrified look, " and laughed over Punch, and I was quite sorry Avhen he had to get out at , but he left the papers behind him." " I wonder AA-as it Tom AVhite of Faircross — a slight, dark man, eh, Miss Mamey?" " It is very stupid of me," confesses this bright genius, " but I really don't knoAv Avhether he Avas fair or dark ; but I knoAV " — a sudden light dawning upon her — " he Avore black and Avhite plaid trousers, because they happened to catch my eye."

" Very likely it Avas White," says Mr. Creagh, refusing to positively identify the traveller on the slender evidence of his nether garments. " Well," with a good-natured laugh, " I am glad you found your company so agreeable, and I hope your journey has given you an appetite for dinner " " What is his name ? " asks Mamey, pulling my sleeve, as Ave cross the hall to the dining-room. •' Whose name ? " I ask, bewildered. Miss Brown expects one to knoAv by inspiration Avhat she is driving at. "Bis name, you booby," Avith a jerk of her head in Mr. Burleigh's direction. I Avish devoutly Mamey Avould not call names ; she Avould have done Avell to have left her un ladylike expressions behind her in Park Lane, AA'hich is not quite so magnificent a locality as might be supposed from its high-sounding designation.

" I am not quite sure that I caught it. and I can never be certain of a man without his hat." I gratify her curiosity on the point. "John Hugh?" she asks again. His name is John, certainly. I have heard Mr. Creagh call him so. " Very likely. I have seen the initials J. H. in brass letters on his portmanteau." " Bother him ! " is Mamey's elegant aspiration. " Have you ever met him before ?" " Where on earth should I meet him ?" " Then, AA'hy are you so curious about him, and why should the very sight of him put you out ? " Mamey doesn't deny that she is put out, and I am sure Jim's eye being on her alone prevents her putting out her tongue, or in some manner expressing her contempt for the unconscious cause of her discomfiture. "I suppose you hardly remember me, Mamey?" says Mrs. Creagh, AA'hen Ave are seated at table.

" Oh ! yes, Mrs. Creagh, I remember you quite Avell ;, you used to Avear your hair in two plaits, tied at the end Avith cherry coloured ribbon : I thought you a very nice girl," volunteers the damsel in all good faith. Kate is not barefaced enough to give the lie to her oavit Avords by returning the compliment, so instead she says, Avith a painful smile, that she doesn't exactly recollect how Mamey Avore her hair. " I had none to Avear, at least not enough to be taken into account. By grandfather's direction my hair Avas kept ' thinned,' and now," with a complacent look over her shoulder at a long red curl, dangling, like a flame-coloured snake, down her back, " he is always priding himself on the success of the stratagem. Last Sunday, when I AA'as Avalking on the Kingstown Pier, a man remarked, ' What beautiful long hair ! ' 2>aul looked daggers at the insolent Avretch — I shouldn't like to be in his shoes if he ever finds himself in Paul's torture-chamber — but I was pleased, Paul had to nudge me not to smile."

Everybody but Mr. Burleigh, avIio looks as if he couldn't believe his ears, smiles now at the naive confession. " It is the only thing I can boast," con tinues Mamey, with renewed complacence. " When, once upon a time, I Avas getting my photo taken, I asked the photographer to be sure and make the most of it, and so he did. It Avas Mr. Cabinet himself that took me : being a person of discrimination, he kneAv by intuition that there was a genius on the premises, and while beauty is only skin deep, Avit cannot be fathomed. During the process he told me to smile, to smile a little more, and to humour him, I smiled most benignly. I only hope " — her eyes glancing for a moment to Mr. Burleigh, Avho is eating his soup in blissful unconsciousness — "that he didn't imagine I had a designing eye on himself and his camera and all the artistic etcetera."

" I don't think you need be uneasy," says Kate, laughing ; "probably he is used to being smiled upon." " Well, I am inclined to think he didn't credit me Avith any desire to inveigle himself, and his stuffed dogs, and other properties, into my possession, for he didn't froAvn at me, he smiled on, and said he believed he had a good impression ; but indeed he hadn't : when the proofs came home they were so much too nice, that it AA'as not myself I recognized but my hair, and my velvet hat, Avith the jay's wing, that cost — I am really afraid to think, it cost a Avhole five shillings ! " " I hope it Avas value for the money," says Jim, laughing. " It ivas sold to me as a dead sacrifice ! but in Aunt Deb's opinion, it AA'as my five shillings that Avere sacrificed.'' " Nevertheless," says Kate, politely, " I should like to have a photo and judge for myself."

" It AviU Avant to be labelled. When Cousin Harry saAv it in the album at home, he paid me the bad compliment of asking, to my face, ivho Avas the pretty girl. I assure you he did. He couldn't for a moment suppose it was I." " Why don't you eat your soup, Mamey ? " asks Kate. " Perhaps it is too hot for you. I really think Sarah must have emptied the pepper castor into it." " Thank you, I am sure it is very nice," taking a spoonful forthe sake of appearance. She Avill disgrace me, it looks so ill-bred not to eat like every one else. I begin to fear when the mutton comes on she will fiddle ivith it too. Happily she isn't put to the test. "You eat duck I hope, Mamey?" says Mr. Creagh. Mamey acknowledges that she eats duck and likes it too, but she Avouldn't be satisfied to let the matter rest there.

She must go on to inform us that, fond as she is of duck, she can't hold a candle to some Mrs. Wilson. " I think I told you about her, Nell ? " — I wish to goodness she Avould leave me out of her conversation — " the big fat Avoman avIio lives opposite to us. Well, I don't know Avhat they do even other day, but on Sundays the Wilsons dine at two o'clock sharp." As nobody present is competent to dispute the interesting fact, the intelligence passes Avithout comment. " AVell, last Sunday they dined on duck and green peas, and just guess " — looking with a pleased smile around the table — " Iioav the angel of the house Avound up the feast. She licked her singers in rotation, not forgetting her thumbs. I saAv her Avith my OAvn eyes ! " "What a terrible locality ! " is the thought plainly reflected in every lineament of Mr. Burleigh's expressive face ; my cousin's revelations are quite taking away the poor man's appetite.

" I don't know AA'hat you can be thinking of, Mamey," I venture in tart remonstrance, anxious for the credit of Park Lane. " If you had the eyes of Argus you couldn't distin guish the dishes across the road." "You forget, Nell," explains Miss BroAvn, slightly dis concerted, "Ave hang out in a lane ; I don't mean that Ave hang out our linen, but simply that Ave reside in a lane, and besides," AvithrecoA-ered self-possession, "I had asield-glass ! But leaving Mrs. Wilson out of the question," continues Mamey, pleased to have such an attentive audience, "at Christmas Ave had turkeys and geese on our own account, and though they came all the Avay from Antrim, they ivere sad deceptions. Grandfather gave it as his opinion that the turkeys' breastbones Avould cut tobacco, and as for the geese," making a little pause to give emphasis to the asser tion, "to eat them one had to put one's heart into the work !

How our jaAvs did ache, to be sure," Avith a sigh to the recollection, " for Ave had to cheAv the nasty things with all our might." " Perhaps you didn't keep them long enough," suggests Kate ; "a goose should be hung some days before it is sit to cook." Mamey shakes her head dismally. " They Avere strung up all right," she hastens to inform the company. " I laid hands on them myself, lest Anne, avIio isn't used to such dainties, might hang them by the head instead of by the heels, but it Avas all to no use ; the depravity Avas ingrained in them. I really think they must have been — ganders," says Mamey, in an awed Avhisper ; then, feeling she has com mitted herself, and casting about in a vain effort to retrieve her position, " but I daresay I Avas Avrong, most likely they were geese after all."

Kate retires behind her handkerchief; Mr. Creagh laughs outright ; Jim, looking as though he Avere about to burst a blood-vessel, first dives into his tumbler, and finally, with a muttered, perfectly unintelligible apology, makes a bolt of it, to explode outside the door, Avhile Mr. Burleigh lays doAvn his knife and fork and stares in virtuous disgust. " I Avas really afraid he ivas going to fling his glass at my head," Mamey confides to me afterwards, " or more likely he Avould have preferred to part with his plate." But the incident has the one good effect of causing my relative to retire into her shell, and allowing us to finish our dinner in peace. " I hope you brought your music, Mamey," says Kate, AA'hen Ave are back again in the draAvingroom, '' Yes? Then if you are not too tired, perhaps you will give us a song."

" Mamey," I Avhisper hastily, while Jim, Avith recovered gravity, opens the piano for her accommodation, " I hope you Avill sing proper songs, and not give us any of your rigmaroles." "What do you mean?" asks Mamey indignantly. "Do you think I Avould sing improper songs?" "You know very AveU Avhat I mean. Try," I add Avith great earnestness, " and do a-vay Avith the terrible impression you have created in the public mind." Before I can stop her, Mamey has dolefully appealed to Kate and Jim to knoAv if she has created a terrible impression on them. Of course they both disclaim any but the best impression. " Mr. Creagh is going to sleep, so I won't disturb him, but I know he likes me, because he calls me Mamey already." '■ At all events," say I, umvilling to let her ctoav over me, "there can be no doubt that Mr. Burleigh is duly horrified."

" Is he ?" Avith a glance on to the terrace AA-here Mr. Bur leigh is smoking a post prandial cigar. " I am delighted to hear it. If he is shocked already, gracious," laughing, " the Avhites of his eyes will be glued to the ceiling before he has done Avith me." " Do, like a dear girl, be nice for a change ; you can be mice if you like." " I Avill be a pattern of propriety," promises Mamey, making a great show of spreading out her skirts. "What shall I sing, ' Over the hills and far aAvay ?' " I suggest " The Danube River." I confess to a fancy for that sentimental ditty, and Mamey sings to my bidding, Avhile outside, in the mid-summer evening, the birds call to one another, the homing rooks caAv loudly, as they fluttering fly round and round their roost trees ; in the Avest the sun is fast sinking in a bank of golden-tipped clouds, and Mamey still sings on in her soft untaught voice, and Mr. Burleigh promenades the terrace in solitary state.

SomehoAv I have an imvard prevision that Mamey is not destined to take him off our hands, and so leave Jim and me more at liberty for the evening strolls I had anticipated. Rosabel Finch, Avhom I am inclined to suspect of a partiality for the Burleigh hero, AA-ould have been the better speculation ; hoAvever, it is too late to think of that now. "Are you fond of music, Mr. Burleigh ? " I ask, for some thing to say, as he comes over to the AvindoAv where Jim and I are sitting in the gloaming. "AVhat? I beg pardon, I didn't quite catch Avhat you said." I repeat the question, and fail, in my turn, to catch his answer. Simultaneously Avith his appearance the imp of mischief seems to have taken possession of Mamey : so far she had been content to proceed in the beaten track, but no sooner does she perceive the increase to her audience, than she strikes up one of her nonsensical parodies, set to an accompaniment of her own composition : " A Aveary lot is thine, fair maid, A Aveary lot is thine !