The Troubles of Monsieur Bourgeois

Front matter

THE TEOUBLES OF MONSIEUR BOURGEOIS THE TROUBLES OF MONSIEUR BOURGEOIS BY GEORGE FROST Author of " 12 Ait du Patinnge.' %antsaia EDEN REMINGTON & CO PUBLISHERS HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN 1890. [All Bights reserved.} To H. F. WOOD, Esq., Author of " The Passenger from Scotland Yard," " The Englishman of the Rue Cain," "The Night of the 3rd ult.," etc. The following Humorous Sketches are Drtiicatcti As a Token of the Highest Esteem and Gratitude. CONTENTS. CHAP. PAGE I. Why he will not give another Soiree ... i II. Why he will not be on the Picnic Committee ... ... ... ... ... 5 III. Why he does not like Celebrated Artists ... 9 IV. Why he does not fellow Fashion ... ... 19 V. Why he dances at every Ball he goes to ... 25 VI. Why he will pack his own Trunk ... ... 32 VII. How he fares at a Fashionable Watering Place ... ... ... ... ... 40 VIII.

In the hands of the Fashionable Physician 49 IX. Some few of his Unpleasant Experiences at Table d'Hote ... ... ... ... 59 X. His last day at a Fashionable Watering Place ... ... ... ... ... 67 XI. His first day in Paris with his Wife and Daughter ... ... ... ... 74 XII. His Troubles with Servants ... ... 81 XIII. How he spent his evening at the Grand Opera ... ... ... ... ... 90 XIV. A Sunday Afternoon Drive, and a Visit to the Jardin d'Acclimata'tion ... ... 98 XV. How he spent a few hours away from home 107 XVI. He begins to have troubles with his neighbours, and receives an Unwelcome Visit 115 XVII. He accepts an invitation to the Duke's chateau, and attends a Stag Hunt ... 124 XVIII. His Wife and Daughter return suddenly from the Duke's Chateau, and bring him an Unexpected Guest ... ... ...132 CHAP. XIX, PAGE How he enjoyed his Wife's first reception day of the season ... .. ... 142 XX.

He is obliged to return numerous calls with his Wife and Daughter ... ... ... 148 XXI. How he was compelled to accept a Professor of English for his Daughter ... 157 XXII. How he enjoyed an hour's discussion with his Daughter's Professor of English ... 165 XXIII. He is obliged to take part in Private Theatricals in his own apartment ... 173 XXIV. His recollection of his first day on Skates at the Cercle des Patineurs ... ... 182 XXV. His advice in regard to introducing Friends 192 XXVI. How he spent his time at a Fancy Dress Ball ... ... .. ... ... 200 XXVII. Why he will not be at home next Wednesday 207 XXVIII. What effect the Duke's letter produced on his Wife's guests ... ... ... 214 XXIX. How he welcomed the young man who leads Cotillons, when he came to ask his Daughter's hand ... ... ... 221 XXX.

Chapter I. Why He Will Not Give Another Soiree

Ve did not invite ze ladee from below — because ve did not give a soiree for her daughter to get marreed. Ze ladee from below vas offended. Ve could not invite ze gentleman from above — because ve had not invited ze ladee from below. Ze gentleman from above vas offended. Ve could not invite ze pepole from opposite — because zey vere cousins of ze ladee from below. Ze pepole from opposite vere offended. B As ve had not enough dansers, ve asked ze colonel of ze regiment to bring some officiers. He could not bring zem all — because our salon is not big enough. Ze officiers who vere not invited vere offended. Ve invited ze young ladee who had a first prize at ze conservatoire, to play ze piano. She vas offended — because ve asked her to play for dansing. She vanted to sing. She played : tir — e — lir — e, ri — rri — rrri, ro — rro — rrro, tip — tap, bim — bourn ! — real opera musique, she had composed.

Nobodee could danse, nobodee could talk. Ze colonel of ze regiment, who vas standing up, and turning ze pages, vas offended — because he vanted to talk of ze armee, of his epaulettes. He had expected to have, as usual, all ze officiers, all ze ladees listening in a circle around him. Ze officiers, who had been invited to danse, to flirt, vere offended. Ze doctor vas offended — because he vanted to talk of his discoveries, of ze patients he had cured almost by miracle. Ze young genius, who had written a book : " How Ladees can Learn in Ten Lessons to Surpass ze Best Fensing Masters," looked all ze time at his foil, vhich he had hung vith a pink reebon in ze hall, under ze portrait of our daughter. He vanted to explain how to make ze salut to ze ladees, who vere yauning and feengering ze pages of his book, and admiring ze expensive paper and illustrations.

Several times he got up impatient, and crushed rosin on my floor — vhich I had myself spent ze whole morning in vaxing. But — tir — e — lir — e, ri — rri — rrri, ro — rro — rrro, tip — tap, bim — boum ! — ze opera musique vould not stop ! Ze young genius vas offended. Ze moder of ze young ladee who had a first prize at ze conservatoire vas offended — be cause nobodee said " encore ! " — (I did not dare, you understand ; I vas afraid to offend still more our guests) — only one " bravo ! " — from ze poor old colonel of ze regiment, who had a face as long as his svord. I can assure you I vill give no more soiree. Everybodee vas offended — but everybodee vas hungree. It cost me two hundred and fifty-five francs and a half — and somebodee carreed avay my vise's umberella !

Chapter II Why He Will Not Be On The Picnic Committee

I VILL go on two conditions : first, zat I pay my share — in advance ; secondly, zat I am not on the comitee. At the last pique-nique, ve vere zree on ze comitee : ze proprietaire of my house, ze gentleman of ze newspaper, and me. Ze ladees brought pigeon-pies, zey brought sandviches, zey brought ginger beer. But I had to bring filet de bceuf. I had to bring champagne — because I vas on ze comitee. Omnibuses, musique, row-boats ! Ah, pourboires everyvhere ! I could not ask ze proprietaire and his guests to pay — because he vould not have repaired my vindows. I could not ask ze gentleman of ze news paper and his guests to pay — because he vould have put everybodee's name in ze newspaper, except mine. I could not ask my vise's guests to pay Ze pepole ate of all my deeshes, and I had to eat only of zeir deeshes — because I vas on ze comitee.

Ze proprietaire made ze lobster talade, and carved ze filet de bœuf. Ze gentleman of ze newspaper took ze cork-screw of my pen knife — zere vas no ozer anyvhere (can you tell me, if you please, vhere is zat dear leetle penknife, vith an ivory handel?). He made ze corks fly, and poured my champagne full in ze biggest glasses. I had to serve everybodee — because I vas on ze comitee. Zey drank to my healz. I had to vash ze plates — because zey vere my plates. Ze champagne vas pleasant ; ze drinkers felt freesky. Ze proprietaire zrew some bread at the fat ladee ; she zought it was ze judge ; she zrew some at his eye. He zrew some at her, but hit ze colonel's vise. Ze colonel's vise zrew some at ze judge. Every bodee laughed, everybodee zrew bread. Vhat an example for our daughter ! I have brought her up for tventy years vith economic If she leaves only as big as her leetle feenger of bread at dejeuner, she finds it under her napkeen at diner ; and I can assure you, she must svallow it.

I say to her: " Mam'zelle, if you leave so much bread to-day, so much to-morrow, so much ze day after, so much every day — it is a sin ! — at ze end of ze year, you have lost so much of your dot ! " Vhen zey had vaisted two loaves of good fresh bread, zey took ze balle of ze leetle girl of ze doctor, and, like big children, zey played at tennis. Zey had no raquettes : it did not matter, zey played vith my plates — because my plates vere clean ; and zey played till my plates vere broken. Ze fat ladee fell on ze grass. I had to carree her — because I vas on ze comitee. Her uglee pug dog, vith a broken nose, carreed avay a piece of filet de bceuf biger zan I eat in one veek. Ze fat ladee laughed vhile I carreed her ; everybodee bravoed, and I had to look happee — because I vas on ze — No ; I vill go on two conditions : first, zat I pay my share — in advance ; secondly, zat I am not on ze comitee.

Chapter III. Why He Does Not Like Celebrated Artists

Ve could not allow our daughter to go to ze atelier, vith demi-monde models — because she vas brought up at a convent, and she is our daughter. Ze only room zat suited him, vas our salle a manger — because ze light vas good, just a leetle dark. He refused to paint our daughter in silk — because he did not belong to ze silk school, and it vas not natural. He vould paint her only if she vas dressed in blue vool. Ve could say nozing — because he is a celebrated artist. I ordered a preety voolen dress at ze best dressmaker. Vhen it vas fineeshed, and paid — I alvays pay for vhat I buy — he vould not paint it — because it vas new, and vithout spots. So I had to get an old dress of our cook, and give her ze preety one instead. Vhen our daughter vas dressed in our cook's dress, ze celebrated artist vanted to get inspiration for a pose.

So he vent out vith her on a promenade. Oh, heavens ! I zought I vould lose all my hair at once. How far vould zey go ? If anybodee distingue met her ! If her riche old grand aunt met her ! My vise and me, ve looked at zem from ze balconee, vith opera-glasses. Zank heavens! zey did not go very far, only across ze square. Zey met a blind beggar vith his dog. Ze dog vagged his tail, bou-voued, and licked our daughter's hand. She has a good heart. She gave ze beggar one sou (zat cost me fifteen zousand francs !) Ze celebrated artist jumped like a leetle boy, he vas so happee : " Ze very darling leetle dog I vant. I have discovered him at last ! I have zere a first medal ! " he said. " Ah, Mam'zelle ! I vill paint you just as you are, giving ze charite. You have such splendide eyes, riche mouz, and adorable nose !

" Ze young girl vas as happee as him — be cause she vas brought up at a convent, and is romantique. She promised to pose for ze charite, as much as he liked. Ze old pedlar of matches, near ze church, seeing zat ze blind beggar vas making monee, came as fast as he could, like a fly zat sees anozer fly on fresh meat. Ze celebrated artist did not like ze beggar's head — because it vas too small, and too regular. But ze pedlar's head, quite bald, vith long vhite beard, he said vas perfection. Zey came back with ze pedlar, ze beggar's dog, and ze beggar also — zey could not leave a poor blind man vithout his dog. Zey came back to our salle a manger. Ze celebrated artist vould not allow ze pedlar and beggar to vash, but he made zem change clozes ; and ze pedlar, who had become ze beggar, zut his eyes like him.

He vould not allow our cook to vash ze dog covered vith mud and fleas — because it vould not be natural. Ze pedlar, ze beggar valked on our carpets vith zeir sabots ; ze dog put his dirtee paws on our chairs and our sofa. Vhat could ve say ? Ve hoped ze ladee from below and ze gentleman from above vould complain. Zey did complain to ze concierge, who spoke to ze proprietaire. But ze proprietaire felt proud. He came, not to scold, but to ask advice of ze celebrated artist — in our salle a manger, and zow him some drawings of his boy, who vill study at ze Beaux Arts. Ze celebrated artist could not paint vithout smoking. I had to offer him expensive cigares — because he is celebrated. I could not offer different cigares to ozer pepole. And, as it vas in our salle a manger, I had, you understand, to keep on ze buffet, cognac, chartreuse and ozer drinks, a discretion.

As ze celebrated artist had vork also at his atelier, he could come only in ze morning. Our daughter had to give up her singing lesson every day for one monz. As ve had taken for one year, ve had to pay all ze same. He commenced by painting everyzing in red, zen in brown, zen in blue. Nozing must be disturbed : his palette here, on ze floor, his bruzes on zat table, zose paints (oh, how zey smelt for one monz, zose paints !) on ze cheminee. Ze colonel of ze regiment came, and, be cause he came, ze officiers came vith zeir vives, zeir seesters, zeir friends — in our salle a manger — to see ze tableau advance, and to pretend zey knew somezing about ze blue vool school. Ze pedlar and ze beggar told zeir stories a hundred zousand times — in our salle a manger. Ze gentleman of ze newspaper wrote an article full of esprit.

Vhen it vas read, ozer gentlemen of ozer newspapers came, from Paris, from Lyon, from Bordeaux, from everyvhere, to interview ze celebrated artist — in our salle a manger. Ze photographer came, ze lithographer came, ze framer came, zey all came — in our salle a manger. He painted vith big bruzes, and vith big strokes. To see ze tableau veil, you had to stand off far in ze hall. Ze door, of course, vas open all ze time. And ze drafts ! My poor rhumatisms — it vas in February. Vhen ze tableau vas fineeshed, it vas sent to ze Salon at Paris. Ve hoped it vould be refused — because our daughter did not look like our daughter, in our cook's dress. He had made her as uglee as he could. He said zat big features vere ze handsomest, and most interesting. He made her mouz, her nose, tvice as big as zey are ; and a leetle grain de beaute on ze left cheek, as big as a pea.

But ze tableau vas not refused, it vas on ze cimaise ; it got a first medal — because he vas celebrated. Zink of our daughter, for two monz looked at like a curiosite by everybodee ! If she had been in silk, if her mouz and her nose had been small, I vould have felt proud. I vill have to make her dot as big in proportion as her nose — if I vant her ever to get marreed at all. And ze rain of newspaper articles, of photographies, of critiques zat fell upon us ! I had to zank, I had to lend. Vhat do you suppose ze critiques all said ? Zat ze beggar and his dog vere ze most natural of all beggars and dogs in ze Salon ; zat ze artist had visely chosen a young girl vith certain colours and certain features, to bring out ze beggar and his dog ; zat he vill be ze greatest painter of beggars and dogs in ze vorld ; zat his fortune is made, zat he is arrive.

It is true ve vere offered a big price for ze tableau, on account of zose critiques. But ve cannot sell our daughter's face ! So ze tableau came back vith a number, and " First Medal" written on it. No place big enough, except ze pannel in our salle a manger. Oh, ze pepole zat came every day to see it ! Dling ! dling ! dling ! Zey have broken our bell twenty times already : " Pardon, Monsieur, is it not here ze tableau by ze celebrated artist, who had a first medal, who paints beggars vith dogs?" Ve cannot say zat ze young girl is our daughter. Ve hide her — zey might perhaps recognize her, after all. Even ze American young gentleman, who wrote a new guide book, came. He put ze tableau in his book, as one of ze great curiosites of ze city, and wrote zat ve vere amiable, alvays ready to zow it, and to explain.

How vill it all end ? I have offered ze celebrated artist five zousand francs more, if he vill make ze mouz smaller, ze nose less retrousse ; or else put our cook in our cook's dress. I could sell it zen ! He laughs and refuses — because he is celebrated. Still vorse : he painted pochades of our daughter's head — studies of colours, zat riche connaisseurs in ze city bought like petits pates — because he is celebrated. Ze pedlar, who is not a fool, sells every day heaps of matches in front of our vindows. Ze connaisseurs recognize his face. Zey are surprised to see zat he is not blind. " Vhat talent ! " zey exclaim. He is becoming richer zan me ; he vill soon be a rentier. Ze beggar's dog has become accustomed to ze house, so he brings his master also in front of our vindows to get sous. Ze friends of ze beggar and of ze pedlar follow zeir example.

Ve see at every meal on ze vail : zat bald head and long vhite beard, zose uglee clozes, C zat uglee dog covered vith fleas ; ve see our daughter in our cook's dress, vith retrousse nose, and big mouz, and her grain de beaute like a pea. If ve open ze vindow, ve hear ze organ grinder, ze man vith one leg, who sings false, and ve see ze pedlar and beggar in zeir own clozes ; all zeir friends ; ze dog and all his friends ; and a croud of con naisseurs looking at zem. And vhen ve go out into societe, ve see our daughter's head everyvhere, vith — ah, let me advise you, if you have a preety daughter who has been brought up at a convent, never, never allow a celebrated artist to enter your salle a manger.

Chapter IV. Why He Does Not Follow Fashion

Ze vise of ze colonel of ze regiment came back from Paris vith a leetle bit of a chapeau — not biger zan zat ; bottines so small, so pointed, zat she could not valk straight. She had to lean on her parasol, as ze good old colonel vill lean on his canne, vhen he is en retraite. She had a tournure — oh, zat tournure ! as big as herself. Her hair, zat vas becoming gray, and comme il faut (she is no more in vhat you call in Engleesh her teens) vas as red as ze hair of ze butcher's boy. She had a dog zat looked like a leetle black lion, vith moustaches, and a silver bracelet on his paw. At ze promenade, all ze riche ladees looked at her. Zey said, " Vhat cachet ! " Zey looked at one anozer, and vhen ze musique played, zey all pretended to lean on zeir parasols, zey all valked crooked — to pretend zey had small pointed bottines ; zey squeezed zeir chapeaux, zey puffed zeir dresses — to pretend zey had big tournures.

I laughed till I cried ; it vas so amusing. All ze ladees who vere not riche, laughed. My vise and our daughter laughed. I vas glad to see our daughter laugh. Ze doctor's vise, ze gentleman of ze newspaper's vise, ze proprietaire's vise laughed. But ze next veek, ze riche ladees, who had said, " Vhat cachet ! " who had pretended to lean on zeir parasols, and had squeezed zeir chapeaux, and had puffed zeir dresses, vhen ze musique played- — zis time, zey leaned really on zeir parasols, zey valked really crooked — ■ poor creatures, zey could not help it ! — Zey had really small pointed bottines zat hurt zem ; zey did not squeeze zeir chapeaux, zey did not puff zeir dresses ; zey had real big tournures. Zey had also red hair, and black dogs, vith moustaches and a seelver bracelet on zeir paw — because it vas ze mode.

I can assure you I did not laugh much : ze doctor's vise, ze gentleman of ze newspaper's vise, ze proprietaire's vise began to do ze same. My vise — I cannot zink of it vithout crying — my vise puffed our daughter's dress, and — I knew vhat vould happen ! Sapristi, it did happen ! Ze veek after zat, vhen ve vere to start for ze promenade, I hardly dared to look. Zank heavens, my vise's and our daughter's hair vas not red ; zey did not have a dog vith moustaches and a bracelet on his paw — but zey had — you can guess vhat zey had ! I opened my cupboard : my loose alpaca coat, zat I can put on in ze dark, zat I have loved for ten years, it vas gone — gone vhere? My soft Panama hat, vith big brims, zat zelters my face from ze sun, vas gone ; my best friends, zose square yellow canvas zoes, vere gone.

My vise vas delighted ; she said she had made me a nice surprise : " Look, Monsieur, look vhat ve have for you ! " Sapristi, a pair of pointed bottines, zat made me jump like a goose ; a high, gray hat, as hard as paste board, zat squeezed my poor head nearly like a pancake. " Vhere is my coat?" I asked, as angree as I could. " On ze chair." I found my redingote ; it smelt camphor, of course ; I vear it as seldom as I can. " You understand," said my amiable vise, " zat you could not offer me your arm at ze promenade, before everybodee, if you vere not dressed like — it is ze mode ; make haste." I, ze master of ze house, who had paid for everyzing, could say nozing — because ze doctor, ze gentleman of ze newspaper, ze proprietaire, and zeir vives vere vaiting for us downstairs ; and zey vere all dressed like ze mode.

At ze promenade, I zought ze boys vould zrow stones at me. Just zink ! ze cantonnier, who vas vatering ze grass, vith my loose alpaca coat, my soft Panama hat (he had a number on ze reebon) took out of his, or razer my, pocket, my dear red handkerchief, to try to hide his face : he vas laughing like a leetle boy who sees his schoolmaster fall in ze mud. He vet me all over ; my grav hat vas all spoilt. But I vas not sorree. I came home as soon as ze musique vas over. I bought a much looser alpaca coat, a much softer and biger Panama hat, and much squarer canvas zoes. I have ze key of ze cupboard in my pocket. Ze doctor, ze gentleman of ze newspaper, and ze proprietaire have done ze same. Zee ladees can say and do just as zey like ; but ve valk straight, ve vill not follow ze mode. Vhen ve feel sad, and vant to laugh, ve go to ze promenade togezer, only to look at ze mode : it is as funnee as ze theatre, and it costs nozing.

Chapter V. Why He Dances At Every Ball He Goes To

If you vill let me have my robe de chambre, my slippers, my long, sveet pipe, and my good book, you can have my svallow-tail coat, my varneeshed zoes, my chapeau a claque — open and zut it as much as you please. You can pay for ze carriage, go to ze bai instead of me, if you varrant zat my vise vill let me eat quietly at dejeuner to-morrow. Now zat our daughter is of age to get marreed, I cannot help it ; I must choose an honest and riche husband. Vhen I vas a young man, ve used to valse : one, two — around like zat ; four, five, six. Ve did not know vhat it vas to get tired. Zank heavens, I can go around still : look. To be franc with you, — vhen I vas a young man, my dansing did not cost my fader and my moder one sou. I never took a lesson of a professor. I dansed as much as I could in societe.

At first, I avoided ze girls zat I knew, and zat knew me — because zey never vere too bashful to tell me zat I valked on zeir feet, zat I fatigued zem. But zose zat I did not know, and zat did not know me, zey had to say nozing, and to zank me. Of course, I seldom asked ze same one to danse tvice. Vhen I began to know a leetle, and vas in ze sving, and needed only practice to become perfect, I vas careful never to valse in ze beginning of ze soiree vith a pardner I did not know — because, if she valsed badly, I had to valse like her ; and ze girls who valsed veil, and liked to valse vith good o valsers, zey looked tvice at zeir leetle engagement book, and pretended zey had only to spare a polka or a galop— vhich taught me nozing at all. Vhen I am in a salon, I vill not, at my age, stand in a corner near ze door — gentle men must alvays offer zeir seat — and have to smile, as ze guests arrive and go avay ; and ask news of everybodee's familee, vhile zey squeeze me and valk on my leetle toe.

If I talk, zey say I talk too much, zat I am not of zeir monde ; if I do not ask news, zey say I am come only for ze souper. I do not care, vhile I am in ze corner, vith an elbow like a nail in my poor reebs, and in front of me a head vith no hair on ze top — ze head of somebodee who looks at nozing but himself in ze glass ; I do not care to hear zat my vise's jewels are false, zat our daughter's vaist is too small. I do not vant to hear ze fat ladee — who is too fat to do one, two, zree- — say zat ze tall zin ladee, who jumps a leetle high, vhen zere is no room to go around, has a neck like a girafe. I do not vant to have to say to ze ladee vith ze poudre de riz on her nose, and a svollen cheek, zat her dress is very becoming, zat she looks younger zan our daughter. I can live very veil vithout hearing ze young men who lean against ze vail and yawn, and zink zey know everyzing — because zey go to ze cafe — say zat my cravate is too big, my gloves like ze gloves of a pompier.

Zose same young men, vhen ze ladee of ze house, who gives herself all ze trouble, and pays for everyzing, introduces zem to pardners, one has a sore foot ; ze ozer can not danse long — he has forgotten ze Trois Temps ; ze ozer pretends to know only ze Deux Temps, or ze Boston. If ze pardners are young and preety, have a big dot, or danse just as zey do, zen zey remember everyzing. I do not vant to have to smell bouquets, to fan, vhile I am standing up. No, I vill not remain in zat uglee corner. I take as many pardners as I can. Of course ze young men who yawn and lean against ze vail, ridicule me — as zey ridicule ozers and one anozer. But vhat does it matter? I see nozing, I hear nozing — because I am dizzee, because I am hot. I can be no hotter; and ze doctor said it vas good for my healz to get as hot as I can, vhenever I can.

Vhen comes ze cotillon, I choose aunts; everybodee has aunts ; ze aunts like to danse, and to be seen dansing, as much as zeir nieces. Vhy not? You see, ze nieces might tell me : " If I fatigue you, do not be afraid, Monsieur, to ask me to stop a leetle." I can assure you I know zat phrase by heart. But ze aunts do not say zat. Ah, how happee zey are, vhen zey take zeir jupe in zeir right hand, put zeir left on my zoulder. Zey get young again. If my pardner slides, I slide ; if she jumps, I jump; if she likes it, I say, "Vhat good musique." If she does not like it, and I see she cannot valse, I say : " Vhat a pity ze musique is so fast." I beat a leetle vith my foot ; one, two, zree. I take her to ze musicians, and I say to zem : " Mademoiselle zinks you play very veil — a leetle slower, if you please ; zank you."