Sarah Deck's Victory. By the author of 'Somebody and Nobody' [i.e. Mary Louisa Searle], etc

Front matter

SARAH DECK'S VICTORY. " I took out my letters to read again, first mother's, and then the letter which I read without a quiver or a tear." — Seepage 230. SARAH DECK'S VICTORY By the Author of " Rede ar Lee," "Somebody and Nobody," and "Paul Haddon." THIRD EDITION. % o u d o u : JARROLD & SONS, 3, PATERNOSTER BUILDINGS. [All Rights Reserved.] DEDICAT ION. BY PERMISSION I DEDICATE THIS LITTLE WORK TO THE FRIEND, WHO WAS MY FRIEND WHEN MOST I NEEDED ONE, AND WHOSE DISINTERESTED ACTS OF KINDNESS WILL EVER BE REMEMBERED BY ME WITH FEELINGS OF DEEPEST GRATITUDE.

Preface

. In fighting the battles of life there are many conquests to be achieved — many victories to be won ; but the greatest of them is the victory over self. It is comparatively an easy thing to conquer this, and to get the mastery over that ; but we all know how difficult a thing it is bring the lower self into subjection to the higher self — that self which has in it the elements of godliness, because breathed into us by the breath of the Divine Maker. In the simple story which Sarah Deck tells of her life, she has little new to tell, only to show that the proudest spirit may, in the valley of humiliation, clothe itself in the garments of humility, and that the most selfish being may, in the discipline of life, lose itself, and find its highest joy in living for others. AUTHOR. CONTENTS. CHAPTER pAGE I — An Unpleasant Truth - - 9 II. — Mv First Offer - - - 23 III. — The Laughton Family - 36 IV. — Forgiven, but not Forgiving - 47 V. — My Fall - • • 67 VI.— At Rest • - - 83 VII.— Not I ! - - - 95 VIII. — Mrs. Macpherson Triumphant - 109 IX. — Deceiveo - - - - 125 X. — Peter's Views - • - 139 XI. — The Mason Family - - - 158 XII. — Driven Away - • • 169 XIII.— Home Bac - - • -187 XIV. — New Experiences - • - 203 XV. — Pastoral Calls - ■ • 215 XVI.— S. D. - - ■ - 225 XVII.— Merton Rectory - - - CONTENTS.

CI1A TE1! PAGE XVIII.— Edith Rivington - - - 25 - XIX.— -Last Words - - - - 270 XX. — Mrs. Frost's Revenge - - 285 XXI. — Alone .... 300 XXII. — At Aunt Rachel's - - 321 XXIII. — In the Pawn-Shop - - - 334 XXIV. — Mrs. Frost Subdued • - 349 Conclusion — Pictures - - SARAH DECK'S VICTORY.

Chapter I. An

unpleasant truth. 5WM ET me introduce myself, not as I am now, but j fr?0Jl as I was in the year this story — which I am ' ' going to tell you — of my life, opens — Septem ber 20th, 1 8 — . Sarah Deck, eldest daughter of Thomas and Mary Deck, of the Old Hall, Metford, aged eighteen, tall, and somewhat elegant in appearance, (self-praise is no recommendation,) but whose character will not bear inspection. Ah ! over this, I often lament, even now ; but, to be candid, you would not have found me de ploring my unworthiness then. Nay ; I thought myself far superior to the majority of my acquaintances, and by no means inferior to any of my own age and sex. Personal appreciation exalted me to a position too high for me to occupy without danger, and too slippery for me to tread without falling. I believe my intelligent cranium was stuffed with a profound admiration of what / considered myself to be, rather than a knowledge of what I really was.

It is to be hoped that such delusions do not enter the heads of "finished" young ladies of the present day. We would rather cling to the hope that when I — Sarah Deck — merged into a more sensible woman, other members of society underwent a similar change, and that there no longer exists an overwhelming majority of human beings like unto what I once was. Inclination prompts me to write bitter things about myself in those early days ; but knowing how much my folly cost me, I forbear. Undoubtedly I could fill volumes if I attempted to mourn over the sins of my youth, and the wickedness of my hard heart, the doing which thing certain members of society account to themselves for righteousness, and make bold to con fess the guiltiness of the past, letting it serve as a back ground to set the future off to advantage.

I am afraid of people who hold up to view sins they think forgiven. It is seldom productive of good, — neither are women preachers universally admired, therefore I must avoid digression and tell my story. In the year named my father and mother were still living, also my three brothers and three sisters — Tom, Norton, Peter ; Mary, Dora, and Martha, two of which will not be very conspicuous in this story — Dora and Mary. Five years previous my sister Mary married the Rev. John Newport, Independent minister of Metford. It was considered an eligible match, for the father of the said gentleman was supposed to be wealthy — allowed his son handsomely — and at his decease John looked forward to enjoying a comfortable income of at least a year. Whether he went into the ministry because there was an uncertainty about his expectations PREACHLNG WLTHOUT PRACTLSLNG. 11 being realized is not known.

Some thought he was a man given to conceit, and wanted position and frequent oppor tunity to air his peculiar opinions ; while others hoped his motive was a good one ; but they were by no means sure, even though the majority of his hearers pronounced him a worthy man. Old Mr. Newport died, and though a will was found bequeathing to his dear son John all his personal property, yet it was also found that he had no property to bequeath, for it belonged to other people who unfortunately only received some three or four shillings in the pound. Consequently, about two years after his marriage the unpleasant truth forced itself upon the Rev. John Newport, that he must manage to live on £100 per annum, which was the salary given him by his congregation, who were better hands at praising than at paying.

Mary made the best of a bad bargain, and a bad bargain it was ; for although the reverend gentleman preached resignation and submission to an over-ruling Providence, yet the carrying it out in his own life seemed to be quite foreign to him, for at that period of my existence there could scarcely be found a more dis agreeable, discontented, unloveable man at his own fireside than the Rev. John Newport. How it was that he managed to continue popular with his people I know not, unless he made a point of giving them to eat on the Sabbath day the food they would be most likely to digest quickly, and troubled not their consciences with truths which would prick them ; or maybe he consulted the wishes of the upper orders of the society, and mani fested amiability of disposition by allowing those wishes to be carried out.

Problem No. 1 : — How comes it that men destitute of any depth of piety, without large mental capacities, devoid of common sense, ofttimes attain unto great popularity ? Solution : — Because their amiability of soul enables them to lean towards the north, the south, the east, the west, or whichever way the wind blows. When my education was finished, it entered the kindly head of my father's only sister, Miss Rachel Deck, (a lady of considerable property, whose purse was her ruling power,) to invite me to live with her in her luxurious home at Starston, as she was lonely, and required some one to make as miserable as she made herself. My father jumped at the offer, hoping (I fear) that the said aunt might have more kindly thoughts concerning me when making her will. Accordingly arrangements were made and carried out, greatly to my annoyance, for Miss Rachel Deck was not a favourite of mine ; and ere six months had passed I believe I almost hated the woman who continually made me feel myself under great obligations to her, and who seemed happy in wounding my pride.

At length she one day insulted me about my mother, and flying into a violent rage, I poured forth a volley of hot, hasty words, vowing I would not sleep another night in her home. Miss Deck passed the threat by with sublime indifference, little dreaming I was in earnest. That afternoon I took the first train to Metford, and astonished my parents by appearing before them late in the evening. My father's anger knew no bounds; but accustomed in a large measure to have my own way when at home, though my mother and he wished me to return, they saw it was useless insisting on what I obstinately refused to do : SOMETHLNG SERLOUS! 13 so they consented to my remaining at home, providing I occupied my time. I soon repented my act. Plenty of unpleasantnesses attend a limited income. Longed after were the lux uries I had abandoned ; and unappreciated was the love and gentleness of my self-sacrificing mother, while my pride received day after day some fresh mortification.

Father's extreme nervousness and constant irritability made me dislike home life more and more, and gladly would I have returned to the Elms — but, not I ! Things did not improve as time passed on, and on that 20th of September you may picture me sitting alone in my chamber idly dreaming of the future, and almost weary of my purposeless, ignoble life. " Sarah ! " "Yes, mother." "Your father and I wish to speak to you in the draw ing room." Turning first red and then pale, I reluctantly went downstairs. I knew by my mother's tone of voice that something serious was the matter ; and as I had been vexing them both that day, I entered the room looking very confused and ashamed. My father, looking seventy years of age instead of fifty-five, sat on a chair by the table, a pile of blue papers before him : my mother sat near him, shading her eyes with her hand.

" Shut the door, Sarah, and take this chair by your mother," said my father, looking keenly at me over his spectacles, screwing up the corners of his mouth, which always betokened that he was about to make some un pleasant communication. "Your mother has a proposition to make to you," he said. " Never to ask me to return to Aunt Rachel ? " I cried. " No, Sarah, it is not that," said my mother ; " do not jump at conclusions so hastily. We have again met with a heavy loss, and as there is no possibility of our recovering the money, our income will be considerably less, consequently expenses must be curtailed." " How was the money lost, mother ? " " Your father made an unfortunate speculation, Sarah ; but it is not worth while speaking of how it was lost ; our business is to arrange how to meet the difficulty."

I looked at my father indignantly ; and as he coughed and turned over the pile of blue papers before him, as though he had not heard what my mother had said, the thought struck me that he did nothing but make un fortunate speculations. Of course I did not say so. We had been taught to honour our parents, and although I willingly honoured my mother, yet that which was given to my father was through abject fear of rendering him any dishonour. I did not love him as I ought to have done ; I believe my wicked temper and unloveable dis position had alienated me from him, and in earlier days he had seen fit to chastise me very frequently, thinking to subdue me by corporeal punishment ; but he made a mistake. Poor father ! I am sorry I gave him so much trouble. Surely he was a good man ; but faults in Christians stand out sharper than those in people who profess no religion at all.

" What do you think of doing, mother ? " I asked, al most timidly. " When the lease has expired, we must leave this house, dear, and take a smaller one." "COMING DOWN!" 15 " A smaller one ! how dreadful ! Before Dora's wedding ? " " No ; unless we can let the house we must remain here two years longer." " That is one comfort.' " It is little use having a large house and not money enough to pay the rent," said my father with asperity. " This heavy trial has fallen upon us, and we must do the best we can under the circumstances." "Yes, father," I said demurely, pondering in my own mind whether the word " fallen " was exactly a suitable one. " I shall sell the pony and carriage," he continued, " and part with Jones. What gardening the boys cannot do must be left undone." " How horrible ! " I cried, angrily ; " people will know we are coming down then.

I was so proud of " Lincoln." " ' Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall,'" was my father's next remark, looking at me ten times more severely over his spectacles, at which I coloured and made a wry face. My father was in the habit of quoting scripture on all occasions when anxious to administer reproof; and why I then disliked the very sight of my Bible was because for punishment I had to learn verse after verse, until that sublime chapter, the 14th of St. John, became blotted with scalding tears. I remember I thought if I had twenty children (and I think so still), that they should never one of them be made to learn a single verse of scripture as a punishment. " And Sarah," said my mother, " why we sent for you particularly just now, was to say that of course we must part with Eliza ; and while the boys are at home, and the expenses of their education must be defrayed, if you remain with us, we shall also part with Susan."

" Mother ! you surely do not mean what you say ! " I cried, with a mortified sob. " I am not one to say what I do not mean, Sarah. Do take what I have to say calmly ; I intend to do my part, and you must do yours." " Be a servant ! no, indeed I will not. The thought of such a thing is disgusting. I would rather beg my bread." " Be sensible," said my father ; " there is no dis grace in work. A girl at your age ought to know better than to speak in that manner. We both wish you to stay at home and have as many comforts as we can afford to give you, especially as there are so many unpleasantnesses connected with going out as a governess. Of course we are more than ever sorry that you left your Aunt Rachel in the foolish manner you did." This roused my anger more than anything that had been said, and I retorted passionately — " I dare say you are, father ; and most likely you would have been glad had you never seen me again."

"You have no right to say such a wicked thing, Sarah ; and while you are under my roof, I will not allow you to speak to me in that way." My mother looked exceedingly pained, as she said calmly, " I could wish, Sarah, that you would learn to govern your temper ; it is getting worse and worse, and unless checked, it will be the curse of your life." " It is impossible to govern it under such severe pro- AWE OF "MRS. GRUNDY." 17 vocation. Who would like to be told that she must either be a servant or a governess ? It is too bad ! " And in my temper I was going to add, " Why cannot father take some situation instead of his daughters going out to work ? " but I am glad to say I checked myself, and only repeated " It is really too bad, mother! " " You add to my sorrow, Sarah," she replied ; " surely you are old enough to be a comfort and help to me now.

I am ashamed of you." This subdued me a little. Mother always said things so quietly, and with such a depth of meaning in her voice, that even now I distinctly remember the impres sion her words made upon me. " We will take a few days to think over it, Sarah dear," she continued ; " and I trust God will direct us how to act for the best. I think we could manage very comfortably if you would cheerfully help me with the household duties ; but unless you are prepared to do so, for my own peace, as well as that of the household, we must see about finding you some respectable situation." " What will Dora do ? " "A great part of her time will be taken up preparing for her wedding, for she will have to make most of her own things. Also Martha will not go to Miss Pym's any longer; and until June, Dora will instruct her."

"A fine wedding it will be, mother! I am surprised at father and you giving your consent to her marrying George Thompson. Aunt Rachel said it was a disgrace to the family. Think what the Arkwrights will say ! " " I never trouble myself about what people think, Sarah, so long as I do right. George Thompson is an honourable man, and a sincere Christian. It is simply B because he is in business that you despise him. Un doubtedly your brothers will all be men of business too ; and although your father was brought up to do nothing, and received a college education, yet your grandfather was a hard-working man, and accumulated, by per severance and attention to business, the money we have lost." " Indeed ! Aunt Rachel never told me that." "Your Aunt Rachel has a great deal of false pride. Because her means admit of her living in an expensive style, she is not any more a lady."

I thought differently ; and for the hundredth time since my return home did I heartily and bitterly repent the madness of the act which led me to turn my back on a luxurious home of comfort and ease. " Could we not keep a little girl, mother ? I will help with the sewing." " No, Sarah. We could not get one under six or seven pounds ; and the looking after her would be as troublesome as doing the work myself." "Would you like to write and ask your Aunt Rachel to forgive you ? " asked my father. " No, indeed ! My pride will not let me stoop as low as that: I would rather beg my bread as I have said before." " Mark my words, Sarah, the pride you speak of will have to stoop lower than that. You are ready to talk about begging your bread, but you would find it hard work." " Perhaps I should, but I would rather do anything than be a servant in my own home ; not because of the work so much, but because those stupid Arkwrights and A KLND LLTTLE SLSTER. 19 Cromptons would know it.

I will not stay at home ; it would be horrible ! " And, bursting into tears, I left the room, banging the door after me. I met Martha — my youngest sister — on the stairs, and I pushed past her so rudely that her lip quivered. Shutting the door of my bed room, I threw myself on the bed and sobbed passionately as though my heart would break. Oh ! how ashamed I am of myself when I think of it. A fine thing to break my heart about ! Ah ! if I had never known greater sorrows, I should not have been what I am now. Mortifications are not sorrows, but to •the ungoverned spirit they are harder to brook. I lay there weeping a long time, until my eyes were swollen and my head began to throb and ache. Serve me right ! A gentle tap at the door aroused me. " Tea is ready, Sarah dear," said Martha in her quiet sweet voice, so like my mothers.

" I do not wish for any tea." She opened the door and came in. I believe she loved me very much, although I was more often unkind than kind to her. " Don't cry, dear," leaning over to kiss me, and to smooth the ruffled hair from my hot forehead ; " if you will stay at home and be kind to me now that Dora is soon going away, I will do the worst part of the work for you." Dear Martha! self-sacrificing little thing! how dis tinctly I remember her pale, anxious face. My heart was not touched. " No ; I will not be a servant for anybody. Fancy Sarah Deck sweeping floors, and cleaning stoves ! a pretty idea ! Isabel Arkwright would enjoy the fun. " I will do that for you." " I am proud, but I am not mean, Martha. If I under took the work I would do it, and you should not be my drudge. I could sweep the pavements in New Zealand where I am not known, but Sarah Deck cannot be a servant at Metford."

Martha seemed to think this sounded rather grand, for she looked admiringly at my great flashing eyes, and pitied me with a depth of feeling that astonished me. " May I bring you a cup of tea upstairs, Sarah ? " "No, thank you. Tell them I am not coming down again ; my head is bad." She left the room, and I rose and locked the door after her to prevent any one else coming in ; then throw ing my scarlet shawl over my shoulders, I took a seat on the window sill, where I had been wont to sit when a child, and build castles in the air, vainly picturing my self the mistress of some beautiful home, where the sun would always shine, and no shadows to darken the sky. Oh ! mispent time — idly dreaming — making myself dis contented with the stern realities of every-day life. Here I am, still the proud, unloveable Sarah Deck, my heart full of bitter, rebellious thoughts, as I sit gazing into the orchard below.

There, I played with my sisters and brothers in the days of my childhood ; there, are the old trees we named after our names, hoping the birds would build their nests in them that we might watch them with tender care and intense interest. At the foot of the garden, beneath the apple tree we called my mother's, are the little strips of land we called our gardens ; and we were glad and joyous when the early spring flowers came out, and made them look gay ; and SPRLNG FLOWERS. 21 all over the orchard, and in the paddock through the white gate, primroses grew in abundance, and sweet scented violets — white and blue — which my mother loved so well ; and large buttercups which we gathered in bunches, and held them under our chins, believing that if they reflected a yellow hue we must be fond of butter ; and dear innocent daisies we gathered and threaded in chains, and hung them round our necks, quite happy in so doing.

Yes, around that paddock, and in the wood beyond, every beautiful wild flower came out in its season, which we hailed with childish glee, and learned from our mother to love the sweet flowers which God only watched over, tended, and cared for. She tried to teach us lessons from them ; and Dora learned, and Martha too, but I profited not, be cause I disliked any kind of instruction, even from the gentle lips of my mother. Dear me ! I wonder how it is that human beings are so different — some so pure and good, others so very bad. When I was a tiny child, I remember I used to pray ; and once when father flogged me most severely for telling an untruth, I got so frightened at what he said the consequences of such conduct would be, that I promised God, if He would only forgive me, I would never tell a lie again.

I have kept my promise ; and although I was then a most un happy girl, and mother said my violent temper would be my ruin, yet I had a love for truth : and sometimes there came longings into my heart to be noble and better than I was. Then I turned my eyes from the orchard to the far distant sea, of which I had a beautiful view from my window, and which in the sunshine glittered like glass, but with the evening shadows gathering over, it looked a deep heavy blue ; and as I watched the cold hungry waves roll on, and saw them dash fearlessly on the rocky shore, setting at defiance everything that came in their way, my proud spirit was not subdued as it had been in looking into the orchard below. When a few hours later I crept noiselessly into bed, I said, " I will be brave like the waves, and I will go out and fight my own battles on the sea of life, but I will not be a servant maid in my own home."

Chapter II My First Offer

" A change came o'er the spirit of my dream." Byron. yy%°f^A DREADED meeting my father next morning, Kw k| for I fully expected a serious lecture on the manifest evils of ill-temper ; however, my ex pectations were not realized, for in giving me his cheek to kiss, he merely said " Good morning, Sarah." Mother greeted me affectionately, asked if my head was better, and looked at me so kindly with her meek brown eyes, that I blushed with conscious shame. After breakfast she took me aside and talked to me like a mother ; and asked me quietly whether I would not like to go back to the " Elms." " No, mother ; I have fully decided to go out and earn my own living." " You will find it hard work, dear child ; and your temper will be very much against you. You will find no friends like home friends."

" Father does not love me, and he would be glad for me to go away." "You misjudge your father; he is often hasty and irritable, but never unkind. I am the one who has most MY FLRST OFFER. reason to complain of his irritability and mistaken judgment ; but there are faults in all, and each of us must expect to have some cross to take up and carry." " You are a Christian, mother, and I am not ; there fore I look at things in a different light. I should be miserable at home doing Eliza's work, father scolding from morning till night. As to returning to Aunt Rachel's, I should infinitely prefer to be independent." "There is no such thing as independence. We are all dependent, the one on the other ; and where there is ' unity there is strength.' It is ' small ' to think we can stand alone when God has ordained it otherwise."

"You are a wise woman, mother. Unity is one thing, and ' clashing ' another ; and as father and I continually clash the one against the other, separation is the best thing." " You think so now, perhaps, but you will change your mind. Another thing I wanted to speak to you about, which has made your father and me very happy — there is a chance of your becoming the wife of a good man, so that after all it may not be needful for you to go out as a governess." I blushed and looked extremely foolish. "James Sedman came to us last night and spoke in a straightforward manner of his love for you, which he says began when you used to play together in days gone by." "And what did you say to him?" I asked hastily. " How dare he ! " " Sarah ! " There was a world of meaning in the way she said my name.

THE OFFER REFUSED. 25 " It is no use, mother ; I cannot be gentle. Fancy being a bookseller's wife! I hope to make a better match than that, or I will remain Sarah Deck all the days of my life. I politely decline." " You had better decline if that is how you feel to wards him, Sarah. You are unworthy of his honest love. He is in a position to offer you a comfortable home ; and in the spring, he told us they intend moving to their own house on the hill, away from the business." " He may have twenty houses away from business, but because he is in business I refuse to marry him. I am sure he is a good fellow ; but if one sister disgrace herself, it is all the more necessary that the eldest daughter should set a better example. Never mind, mother ; I can fight my own battles, and if I have to suffer for my pride, unquestionably it will do me good.