The Great Men and a Practical Novelist ... With four illustrations by E. J. Ellis

Front matter

THE GEEAT MEN AND A PEACTICAL NOVELIST PRINTED BY SPOTTSWOODE AND CO., NEW-STREET SQUARE LONDON THE VERY TIMID GREAT MAN SPEAKS THE GREAT MEN AKD A PRACTICAL NOVELIST BY JOHN DAVIDSON AUTBOIt OF 'rEKTEBVlD' 'SCARAMOUCH IN NAXOS' ETC. WITH FOUR ILLUSTRATIONS BY E. J. ELLIS JTonbrm WARD & DOWNEY YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN 1891 All rights reserved NOTE This book is not a sequel to ' Perfervid.' Although in its pages Ninian Jamieson, Cosmo Mortimer, and The Great Men reappear, they are altogether subordinate to what. they have to tell. J. D. CONTENTS THE GREAT MEN CHATTEr, PAGE I. A FESTIVE OCCASION 3 II. ' WHEN I WAS HUGH SMITH ' 15 III. THE SCHOOLBOY'S TRAGEDY . . . . . .26 IV. THE GLASGOW GHOSTS . . . . . . .66 V. WATER AND WHISKEY 80 VI. CHARLES DICKENS AND WILLIAM JAMES CONDY . .91 VII. A THEORY OF PRACTICAL JOKES 102 VIII.

EAGLE'S SHADOW ........ 108 IX. THE VERY TIMID GREAT MAN COMES OUT OF HIS SHELL 126 X. THE SALVATION OF NATURE 137 A PRACTICAL NOVELIST NOTE ............ 164 I. BAGGING A HERO ...... .165 II. THE SUITOR AND THE SUED . . . . . . 177 III. ON THE ROAD 192 IV. A ' HEAVY ' FATHER . . ..... 197 V. THE ART OF PROPOSING ..... .206 VI. LEE ENJOYS HIMSELF , . . 221 VII. THE UNEXPECTED .... ... 230 VIII. BRISCOE SEES THINGS IN A NEW LIGHT . . . . 240 IX. DEMPSTER APOLOGISES . . . . . . .245 X. THE NIGHT BREEZE . . . . . . . 257 XI. CONCLUSION , ILLUSTRATIONS the veey timid great man speaks . . . Frontispiece A REMARKABLE DUEL . . . . . . To face p. 10 ' I WOULD LIKE TO SKE THE PYRAMIDS ' . . „ 50 LYNDEN PENl'ERGWYX WATCHING LEWELLYN . . „ THE GREAT MEN B

Chapter I

A FESTIVE OCCASION ' Summer in Edinburgh ! ' It was Cosmo Mortimer who uttered that exclama tion one July evening, as he seated himself in the president's chair in the old-fashioned room where his club, The Great Men, met : an exclamation which he followed up by the very striking remark, ' I should rather think so ! ' ' Of course ! ' said the honorary secretary, in a tone that challenged, while it disdained, argument. ' Rather ! ' said the timid Great Man who was honorary steward. ' Of course — rather — what ? ' queried Cosmo, jump ing up fiercely and taking off his coat; but it was only on account of the heat. ' Summer in Edinburgh, of course," said the secretary less confidently. The honorary steward was understood to hint that he had spoken rashly, but his remark was not audible. ' Has anybody got anything to say about summer B in Edinburgh ? ' asked Cosmo, glaring round on the Great Men.

There was no reply. ' I thought not,' said Cosmo, pacified. ' I thought not. I had something to communicate about summer in Edinburgh, but I dare say it is not worth while.' ' Go on ! go on ! ' cried the five Great Men as one Great Man. ' It was a very simple remark,' said Cosmo. ' It occurred to me, as I was walking along Princes Street on my way here, that Edinburgh is the only place in the world where summer can be properly enjoyed. That is all.' He looked round with defiance, but the fullest acquiescence beamed in the faces of the Great Men. ' Well,' said Cosmo, discontentedly, ' since you all agree, there's no need why I should argue the point. I tell you what it is, gentlemen,' he continued, with rising choler, ' unless some of you begin to cultivate a habit of judicious contradiction this club will decline away and die.

Contradiction, gentlemen, is the first condition of corporate life — of all life in fact. For example, it is the basis of the British Constitution. The British Constitution is a triple contradiction — a triangular duel — sovereign, lords, and commons. Contradiction ! Wrhy, it appears everywhere from the highest to the lowest — heaven, hell — husband, wife — day, night. Gentlemen, the universe is simply a contradiction in terms.' Four of the Great Men looked astounded, but the very timid fifth Great Man remarked in a weak voice that it was rather hot, and took off his coat. ' Sir,' said Cosmo Mortimer, ' what do you mean by imitating me ? Can't you invent something of your own ?' ' I'll take my vest off, too,' stammered the very timid Great Man, suiting the action to the word. ' Good ! ' said Cosmo with an approving nod.

Whereupon the honorary secretary took off his collar, the honorary steward buckled up his sleeves, the honorary porter turned up his trousers, and the fourth Great Man, distinguished by nothing except his success in forestalling the remarks of the fifth Great Man, after several moments of intense despair, rose to the occasion and put on his hat. ' Very good, gentlemen ; very good indeed,' said Cosmo in a paternal tone. ' Always aim at originality even in the most insignificant matters.' At that moment a knock at the door, consisting of five gentle taps, evidently produced by the knuckle of a forefinger, startled the five Great Men ; but the president, without the least indication of surprise, shouted ' Come in.' Two silent and mysterious-looking waiters entered, and, having set the table for supper, withdrew.

As soon as they had gone the secretary, pale but determined, rose in his place.

He took out of his minute-book, which he had lifted from the table when the waiters began their operations, the printed constitution ofthe club, and read, with much agitation, Rule 6, which ran as follows : — ' As this club is intended exclusively for intellectual edification, nothing shall be consumed during its meetings except whiskey and tobacco— the one to keep the brains of the members at a proper tension, and the other to prevent over-excitement.' ' It is, Mr. President, my painful duty,' said the secretary, still much agitated, ' to draw the attention of the club to the fact that there are upon the table certain signs that betoken an impending infringement of this important rule.' ' Hear ! ' from the melancholy porter. ' Mr. President,' continued the secretary, encouraged by the approval of his brother official, ' I believe I have the support of every member of the club, including yourself, sir (although it would seem that you are at least acquainted with the origin of these preparations, and appear to be wholly undismayed by them), in demanding — in demanding ' ' An explanation,' suggested the honorary steward. ' Apology,' murmured the porter. ' Explanatory apology,' amended the fourth Great Man in a tentative whisper. ' in demanding an apologetic explanation,' con tinued the secretary, combining the three hints with becoming originality. ' As I said at the outset of my remarks, it is a painful duty that I have to perform in calling on our respected head to show cause why a rule which he proposed, and which we passed with acclama tion, should be overridden in this surreptitious and roughshod manner ; but I have performed it, and I sit down with a clear conscience, feeling certain that I have cleared the conscience of the club, and opened up the way for our president to clarify his.' Cosmo Mortimer was on his feet at once.

None of the Great Men dared to look at him ; but they bowed their heads and shrank together, like sensitive plants anticipating a storm. ' Gentlemen, you put me in a difficult}-,' began tlieir president ; and the very timid Great Man looked up amazed, for the tones were silvery. His amazement passed into bewilderment when he beheld the benignity of Cosmo's expression. Wrhen Cosmo went on to say that he did owe them an apology, all the other Great Men unfolded their leaves, as it were, and turned their astonished and grateful countenances towards their smiling chief. ' Yes,' continued Cosmo, ' I owe you an apology ; but I wished to give you a surprise — a surprise which I am certain will be found to be not only an apology for, but in itself a suspension of, Rule 6. If I have your confidence, gentlemen, I beg that you will allow me to offer my apology and my surprise at one and the same time.' Never had Cosmo appeared in such an amiable light ; not one member of the club could recall any former occasion on which he had deferred to the opinion of others.

The five Great Men as one Great Man shouted ' Yes,' and looked towards their secretary, who rose, and in the name of the club thanked its president for his affability, his tenderness for the feelings of others, and, if he might use the expression, for this eruption of greatness in a new place on his part. Hardly had the secretary resumed his seat for the second time, when one of the mysterious waiters opened the door, and announced in a loud voice ' Mr. Ninian Jamieson.' Whereupon that gentleman entered the room, followed by the other waiter with a little barrel in his arms which he placed tenderly on a side table. ' My surprise,' said Cosmo in an elevated voice, in dicating the ex-provost. ' My apology,' he whispered with a pawky smile, pointing to the side table. Then he introduced Ninian Jamieson to the five Great Men individually, each of whom had a novel greeting for him ; the fifth Great Man outstripping all competition in originality by grasping his hand silently, and then tui'ning his back on him. ' Gentlemen,' said Cosmo Mortimer, seating Jamieson on his right, and inviting the others by a wave of his hand to take their accustomed places, ' this is an his torical occasion.

To-night we entertain the greatest man it bas been my fortune to meet ; and to-nigbt we broach, and shall probably drink to the dregs, the last barrel of the " Dunmyatt Whiskey." When, a few days ago, Mr. Jamieson announced by letter that but one barrel of the finest whiskey the world has ever known remained, and that he destined it for me, I at once determined on the line of action, the success of which is so far realised. It remains with you, gentlemen, to carry it to a prosperous issue.' The five Great Men responded by cheering Cosmo and Ninian until the roof rang again, and without more delay the mysterious waiters began to serve the banquet. It would be impossible for the pen of any gastro nome to do justice to that banquet. It was a species of satire on banquets in general, unintended on Cosmo's part — for it was of his ordering and arranging — but simply the outcome of his greatness.

It began with Welsh rarebit and champagne — ' the best whet in the world,' Cosmo assured his hesitating guests. Then followed rump-steaks with tomatoes, mushrooms, and potatos-salad. After which came another whet in the shape of four dozen oysters apiece with flagons of stout and bitter. This whet was to prepare the way for a haggis, the ingredients of which had been selected by the giver of the feast. Ninian, in describing the enter tainment to his wife, declared that the haggis consisted of as many elements as chemistry has discovered in the earth, and that it was just about as compact and eatable as the great world-pudding itself. With the haggis they drank port. Hotch-potch followed with boiled potatoes : Cosmo insisted on every man eating potatoes with his broth. Various kick-shaws then succeede each other, and with every new dish the waiters grew more mysterious-looking, and the guests more appalled, until when gorgonzola was served with apricots the very timid Great Man turned positively pale w7ith fear.

But greater marvels were in store for them. After a third whet in the shape of fig-pudding with ices, the waiters brought in fowls, pork, salmon, whiting, interspersed with jellies, custards, tarts ; and as the consternation of the guests and the mysterious aspect of the waiters increased, Cosmo Mortimer's self-satisfaction and com plaisance grew astonishing to behold. At length coffee was served, and a sigh of relief burst from the gorged bosoms of the Great Men ; but the very timid Great Man noticed, with a sickly feeling, that the countenances of the waiters were not yet delivered of their burdens of mystery, and that there was still a prospective gleam in the self-satisfaction of Cosmo. As a matter of fact the tragic farce was not yet over, although nobody could have divined the terrible solecism with which it was to conclude.

Conversation, which had been confined during the banquet to a good-humoured soliloquy on the part of the host, was becoming general, when the door opened once more, and the waiters appeared again with a large tray between them. On this tray — hombile dicta! — was borne a born spoon, a small cog of milk, and a large cog of steaming porridge for each man. With furtive glances and abashed actions the two waiters set the dishes ; and then, their faces emptied at last of all mystery, they took A REMARKABLE DUEL up positions behind Cosmo's chair, amid a silence that, like the Egyptian darkness, could be felt. It was the very timid Great Man who broke the silence. He rose slowly, and shook himself, as if he had been a bag of corn. ' No ! ' he said lugubriously, ' there's no room.' He then took a large double-bladed knife from his pocket, and, opening both blades, closed his fist tightly on the handle. ' I believe in drinking fair and I believe in eating fair,' he continued in a for lorn voice ; ' but a man can only eat and drink his best.

It will never be said that I, Alistair McGlumpha, allowed a dish or a bottle that the Great Men ate or drank to pass me living. The first man that puts a spoon to his mouth signs my death-warrant. The knife is sharp, and I know where the jugular is.' Cosmo dipped his spoon in his milk and looked defiance ; the very timid Great Man flourished his knife. Cosmo took some porridge in his spoon, and the very timid Great Man clutched his own chin with his left hand. ' One,' counted the very timid Great Man. ' Two,' said Cosmo fiercely with a nod of his head. But neither of them said ' three,' for Ninian Jamieson interposed. ' I think,' said the ex-provost, with a twinkle in his eye, ' that this truly remarkable duel should not be allowed to go any further. It is quite evident that Cosmo is able and willing to destroy our friend at the foot of the table with one mouthful of porridge ; and it is, of course, equally evident that our friend at the foot of the table is determined not to survive the disgrace which the laws of fair eating and fair drinking and his own state of repletion would in evitably bring upon him were Cosmo to swallow one spoonful of this indubitably well made, and, I have no doubt, most delightful porridge.

Honour, therefore, is satisfied ; and I have to call upon the Great Men to prevent bloodshed by a deed of self-sacrifice — none other than the leaving this porridge unsupped. I know that it is almost beyond the powers of flesh and blood to permit such a savoury dish, coming, as it does, after a supper unparalleled in the annals of gastronomy, a supper which might be called one prolonged whet preparing the appetite for this spicy delicacy — I say that it is almost more than man can endure to permit this steaming fragrance to pass untasted ; but you are not men, you are Great Men, and I call upon you to save the life of one of your number by an abstinence which, while it may derange our health and react disastrously on our souls, will redound for ever to our humanity. In short, Mr. President and Great Men, if a proposal from me is in order, I beg to move that the porridge be held as supped.' With knife and spoon suspended the duellists at the conclusion of Ninian's speech looked across at each other unflinchingly.

Hope had dawned on the faces of the four Great Men, and murmurs of approbation now broke from their lips. Still, neither of the antagonists moved a muscle. Ninian perceived the difficulty. ' When I count three you will both lower your weapons,' he said. ' Thus neither can say that the other yielded. One, two, three.' The very timid Great Man's double-bladed knife fell on the table, and Cosmo's spoon with its charge of por ridge dropped into his cog at the same instant. Every body breathed freely, and at a sign from Ninian, who had resumed his old supremacy over Cosmo, the waiters removed the untasted porridge and milk. One of them then uncorked the barrel, and the other, having set out bottles and rummers, the waiters took their final depar ture, to the relief of the Great Men who had regarded them with very mixed feelings. ' Mr. Mortimer,' said Ninian, when everybody had decreased the contents of his rummer, ' there is one thing I should like you to tell me.

What was it that first started you on your career of Greatness ? ' Ninian, who perceived that Cosmo was very much exasperated and disgusted with the indecisive termina tion of the duel, wished to restore the little man to his own good opinion of himself. He could not have hit upon a more agreeable method of doing so. ' That is just exactly what I intended to be my contribution to the evening's entertainment,' said Cosmo, brightening. ' Gentlemen, as you know, this is our quarterly7 story night, and I hope you are all prepared. I forewarned Mr. Jamieson that he would be expected to contribute a narrative of some sort, and I hope he is prepared. / am prepared.' In his usual prompt style Cosmo launched into the story contained in the next chapter.

Chapter II

' WHEN I WAS HUGH SMITH ' When I was Hugh Smith — all the world knows now that I changed my name to Cosmo Mortimer for the benefit of my soul and body — when I was Hugh Smith I dragged out a wretched existence for some years as editor of a newspaper in Dunshalt, a little village in the kingdom of Fife. Shortly after I had assumed my irksome duties a remarkable advertisement appeared in my paper The Dunshalt Chronicle : it was so remarkable that I still remember every word of it. Here it is : — ' Wanted, to reside in Scotland, A great man. Applicants must be great men and Scotchmen. None else need apply. The advertiser has no doubt that the first need of Scotland at present is a great Scotchman, living and working within its boundaries. He hopes the above advertisement gives expression to the desire of every Scotchman.

Indeed, he is of opinion that if the hearts of most nations could be sounded to their depths the patriotic desire for a great countryman would be found at the bottom strong and true. Is it not the cry of the world, " Who will show us any good ? " It cannot be oyer-emphatically impressed upon intending applicants that they must be great men. Creed, learning, morals, age, appearance, position in society, wealth are of no moment ; greatness only is of moment in the poet, man of letters, painter, preacher, silent worker, or whoso may apply. The engagement will be for life. The salary will be very large, as it is expected that every Scotch man and woman will contribute, as God may prosper them, to the support of their great man. Application to be made to W^illiam Dunshalt of Dunshalt, Fifeshire.' I knew Dunshalt a little, but was destined to become much more intimate with him.

His sincerity in penning this advertisement, and in all that he did, no one who knew him ever questioned. Before insert ing his advertisement I called on him, and offered many objections as to the advisability of publishing it. Only one of them staggered him for a moment. I said, ' A chief characteristic of greatness is modesty : now, no modest man will answer your advertisement.' The blank look soon left his face, and he rejoined, ' Modesty is the unconscious recognition of one's place and condition. The conduct of a modest maiden is not that of a modest matron ; yet the downcast eyes of the one, and the serene forthright glance of the other are the height of modesty. It would be immodest on the part of a great man to deny that he is great ; so would it be to trumpet his greatness ; but now, when the country yearns for him and calls him, let him come forth and declare himself, not blatantly, but by great words and great deeds.' I then pointed out that it might be better to ad vertise in some more widely circulating organ than the Dunshalt Chronicle, but he would not hear of it. ' It is not of the remotest consequence,' he said, ' where the advertisement appears.

If, as I judge, the hour has come, then the man will appear, although the advertisement were stuck nowhere but on the top of Ben Nevis.' I let him alone. Applications soon begau to pour in. These Duns halt did not open before me, nor did he ever say any thing about their contents. A large number of them must, of course, have been begging letters. Artful dodgers of all sorts could not be expected to let such a chance slip ; and I have no doubt they reaped a con siderable harvest, as his innocence and kindliness would respond to every sad or desperate case with an open hand. About a fortnight after the appearance of the ad vertisement, I received an invitation from Dunshalt to dine at his house and meet a Mr. Pourie. I conject ured, and I was not mistaken, that Mr. Pourie was an applicant for the situation of Great Man for Scotland.

During dinner nothing of any importance was said, politics and agriculture being the staple of conversation. Mr. Pourie spoke quietly and reasonably. He was a little taller than Dunshalt, but might have passed for C his brother. Dunshalt's head was like a reduced copy of Melanchthon's. Pourie's brow was less prominent than Dunshalt's, and there was a keenness in his eye, contrasting strongly with the languor of the other's. The general resemblance was, however, very extra ordinary. At length when dessert was on the table, Dunshalt broke the ice by saying with great deference, ' There is one subject, Mr. Pourie, of perennial importance, about which I would like to hear what you have to say — the subject of education.' Mr. Pourie cleared his throat, and his eyes twinkled in a manner almost roguish.

I was watching him closelj-. He saw that, and seemed to be conscious of the revelation in his eyes, for they at once assumed a look as open and earnest as Dunshalt's. He set down his wine-glass, rested his folded arms on the table and said : ' All men are either philistines or poets. Children are all poets. Schools and universities are factories for the conversion of poets into philistines. Business aids in the process. The world is philistine, and begins as soon as a child is born to whip and bully it into philis tinism. How is this to be remedied ? An endeavour to carry out a sweeping reform would only raise a dust that might choke the reformers. We must sprinkle water and clear a little corner. Of all things forbidden to children forbidden books are the most tempting. They7 beg thorn from their comrades, they save their pennies to buy them.

To forbid the average child any book is to insure that it will be read. Nov7, here is my proposal : let a cheap series of " Books for Boys " be published, including Shakespeare's Venus and Adonis, Marlowe's Hero and Leander, Fielding's and Smollett's novels, Byron's Don Juan, Ovid's Metamorphoses, and all other books of less note that at present are locked away from children like costly dainties. By this means the unwholesome effects of education would be anti doted, and the children preserved from philistinism. I see in your eyes the question, " What about the girls ? " That demur is prompted by a remnant of philistinism in yourself. The girls would read these books all the more eagerly because of their being called " Books for Boys."' Water might be sprinkled on the dust by a short pre face, something to this effect : " One aim of the pub' Ushers is to prevent immorality.

These books are read by both sexes of all ages. If they be read in childhood they will not need to be read at a more advanced stage of life, when stronger passions might be led astray by them." ' ' This has some life in it,' said Dunshalt, ' and can be tried at once. But as to the acquirement of know ledge, Mr. Pourie ? ' ' Knowledge ? Ah ! ' said Mr. Pourie. ' W'hat is knowledge ? Acquaintance with the names of things. An encyclopædic head would contain the names of everything that man has named, besides the countless names he has given to invented theologies, philosophies, sciences, which are for the most part mere names. c What is originality? When it speaks or writes it is the power that calls things by their right names. It is the old truth, which, like all truths, cannot be too often repeated— at the right time.

Wisdom and knowledge by no means go hand in hand. I would teach children little more than the alphabet, and by that means we should obtain a greater variety in individuals. Perhaps there is no other originality than the originality of ignorance.' Dunshalt threw a glance at me as much as to say, ' He'll do.' Then he turned to Mr. Pourie, and said, ' By the by, I think I heard you suggest yesterday some change in the structure of cities.' Pourie saw that he was being exhibited to me, and appeared uneasy. With an effort he shook off the air of annoyance that Dunshalt's question had produced, drank a glass of wine and went at it again ; and again I saw the roguish twinkle in his eye. His eye alone seemed a little beyond his control. ' A city,' he said, ' is the most amazing monstrosity produced by civilisation : that is just saying that civil isation is itself a monstrosity.

Consider the green forests that are shorn for wood, and the shapely hills that are cut up for stone. What is given us instead ? Dead masonry and carpentry. Have you ever walked in the west-end of a city after miduight ? It is like walking in a graveyard paved with tombstones and crowded with mausoleums. It is a temporary grave yard, with beds for coffins and sleep for death, except in 'AVHEN 1 WAS HUGH SMITH' 21 such mausoleums as have been lit up and turned into ball-rooms by restless ghosts that will not be sent to their confines, even by " the cock that is the trumpet to the morn." You think of the city when it will be a ruin ; and y7ou see that the great and the rich who have reared these streets of stately mansions have only built their tombs. If the inhabited quarters are grave yards, what are the business streets after midnight ?

They are empty tombs. In them in the morning their tenants bury themselves ; at night there is a resurrec tion — from one grave to another, from business to bed — and sometimes the hell called pleasure intervenes. Cover up such a life from the light of day. Build huge arcades over London and Glasgow, and light them with gas ; they are eyesores to the sun. Wall them round and encompass them with soldiers. Charge half a guinea for a sight of the stars, one guinea to see the moon, and two to see the sun. Then would people begin to know that the stars were finer than footlights ; they would yearn for the moon and the sun. I fear there is no remedy for cities but the fire of doomsday.' Dunshalt bowed his head profoundly, and was about to speak ; but Pourie, anxious to avoid the whip with which he was being put through his paces, anticipated him.

Sitting back in his chair, he skipped about from one subject to another to keep his tongue going. ' Solomon's words,' he said, ' are quoted in some publication every day ; and in two senses they are true : there is no end to the books that are made, and the making of them serves no end. What is to be done, say, with the novels ? Make novel-writing and novel-reading heresy, and relight the fires of Smithfield ? Get every novelist to make out a list of all the books he intends to write and pay him double what he may expect for them on condition that he stays his pen ? Could not the spiritualists summon Moses with his rod to bid the plague cease ? When will the people cease to follow lies ? I would have both Houses of Parliament remodeled. Upon the introduction of a bill, as soon as it should be read, I would have the members to retire into anterooms, where, locked up separately, they might have time to consider undisturbedly the measures brought before them.