The Ups and Downs of an Old Maid's Life. By Jemima Compton

Front matter

THE UPS AND DOWNS OF AN OLD MAIDS LIFE. r:v JEMIMA COMPTON. LONDON: BELL AND DALDY, YORK STREET, COVENT GARDEN. 1S6S. LONDON; PRINTED BY WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, STAMFORD STREET AND CHARING CROSS. K Dear Olivia, You will find a manuscript hidden amongst the papers in my desk, or in the corner cupboard. Take it home and read it to your husband, children, and grandchildren. Shed no tears for me, — only be thankful that I am safely landed. Your affectionate Friend, Jemima Compton. AN OLD MAID'S LIFE **s<

Chapter I. Es

I am a veritable old maid, fidgety and nervous ; the small events of my life are of great importance to me, and I know that I often weary my friends by recounting the little worries of my monotonous existence, and yet they are very kind and bear with me patiently : I often imagine them going home and telling their husbands of their visit to me, and picture to myself that they speak of me as "Poor Jemima," and say "that I get more tedious every day." But for these friends how dreary I should be ! they supply me with books, and they come to my room and are so bright and cheery that they leave me mentally B much better, and I do try very hard to throw myself into their pursuits and interests. I need not have been an " old maid :" this used to comfort me once ; I am too far advanced in life to want any such consolation now.

Every one likes to be loved ; and a solitary old age is sad indeed. I have the comforting knowledge that I resisted a feeling which could easily have been fanned into a strong passion, because duty said plainly,. " Be firm, it will be better for both, however much it may cost you now." You will understand what I mean when you have read my history, if I live long enough to write it, and I trust that you will think that my life has been spent as usefully as if I had married. Do not expect me to record marvellous incidents which have called forth the display of strong character in its various phases, for you will be disappointed ; but I think that you will agree with me that I have had more " ups and downs " than fall to the lot of most women. I am just seventy years of age when I begin to record the story of my life ; and these thoughts of the past have come to me during some months of sickness, a time for meditation when memory goes back, and we old ones live the scenes of youth over again, and dream ourselves young once more.

How vividly every portion of my life stands out before me! Age seems to sharpen the intellect with regard to the past ; and as to the present, I sometimes find that it is difficult to remember from day to day. Mine has been a life of struggle ; I have had many hours of sharp suffering when all around me has been dark, and I have felt very desolate, but in later years I have trusted in God and have learnt to cast all my7 cares on Him. I need not add more to make y7ou understand why I cannot be entirely alone now, even though I am an old maid. I am sitting in my bedroom. It is a simply furnished apartment, small but very comfortable. I cannot think too long, or sit up to write for more than half-an-hour, so that I am afraid my story will progress slowly. The writing of it will afford me great amusement and considerable pain, for I shall have to turn to my diary many times, and read over numbers of old letters; on the other hand, I believe the effort will do me good, even though pleasure and pain be pretty equally balanced.

I am withered in face, and bent in figure ; my ey7es grow weary at night, and I sometimes think the many tears that I have shed have had some effect on them. My teeth are all gone ; and though I have a false set, I never put them in when I am alone, just because I have a nervous feeling that if I wore them constantly I should have to pay the dentist more money before I die ; and as I am not rich, I want to avoid this bill if possible, for my income is so limited that I can only just eke it out sufficiently to supply board and lodging, and make a few presents now and then to some of my dear friends. Olivia's children often come and see me in the early morning before I have time to put my teeth in, for they run up the stairs too rapidly for me to attempt to adjust them when I hear their footsteps in the distance, and they scold me heartily for sitting without them, for they say " I mumble," and that I need not fear that they will wear out ; and if they did, there were plenty more to be had in London.

I laugh with them, and promise to mend my7 ways, but inwardly resolve that Olivia and her children shall not be taxed, for already these friends of mine give me too much. I shall begin from the early part of my life and tell you my name, my father's position, and what kind of an appearance I presented then. My name is Jemima Compton ; I was born in the heart of this great metropolis ; my father was a member of parliament, and supposed to be a very rich man. He lived in the time of George III. and the Pitt administration, and was proud of his position in the House of Commons. He was a tall, handsome man, but not a general favourite in society, for he was imperious to those beneath him, and inclined to be cringing to his superiors. I was never pretty, and only of middle height, but I possessed a good figure, and had a slim waist, of which I was very proud.

My hair was my chief beauty. I wore it in long black curls, and its texture was so exquisitely fine and my ringlets so silky looking, that they were the admiration of all, and the envy of much handsomer women. My manners were said to be light and pleasant ; and I was so cheerful that I was deemed an ac quisition to any gathering of friends, and was often told " that beauty was not missed in my case, I had so many charms in myself that they amply compensated for a pretty face." Do not deem me conceited, I must be truthful if I am to give you a fair estimate of myself. My education was far beyond the usual average of those days ; many of my friends called me a " blue-stocking." I was a good musician, a perfect French scholar, danced well, and was skilled in all the literature of my time. I had only one sister, who married very early in life, and was the daughter of my father by his first wife.

I took a prominent posi tion in my own family when I left the schoolroom, but never gained the regard of my half-sister, who treated me with open contempt if not awed into respect by my father's presence. He loved me truly, and she was compelled to be outwardly courteous when visiting at our house if my parent happened to be within hearing, or she knew that he was in his study. I did not understand the reason that made my sister act thus until after my father's death, then all became clear, and the secret antipathy that she showed to my mother was fully comprehended by me. I must say that my mother was a very arbitrary person, and I rather feared than loved her. I knew that she hated me in her heart, for though she fawned over me when my father was at home, during his long absences she entirely neglected me, or only sent for me from the schoolroom to scold me.

It was well that I had a clever and kind governess, and to her good training I owe much of my future success. She was instructress, friend, and almost mother from my earliest infancy until my educa tion was complete, and our close intercourse was only severed by her sudden death, which event took place soon after I reached my twentieth year. My father had a large house in London and a very pretty cottage in the country, and our time was spent between the two residences. During the session of parliament, we were of course in London ; but I always hailed the months that came after it was over, for then I enjoyed more uninterrupted intercourse with him, and was not troubled by my sister's visits. My father was a Tory, but invariably voted with the reigning ministry ; and I remember as a child overhearing a whisper in company that was not intended for my ears, and which roused my curiosity : the import of it was that my father had a secret arrangement with the Government, and that his politics changed most conveniently as occasion required.

I could not endure to hear the mock ing sneer that accompanied these words, and when I returned home I went to my father's study and repeated the substance of the con versation that I had listened to. He smiled an answer to my question, which was put in some such words as these, "Papa, what do people mean by calling you a turncoat?" and then he kissed me tenderly and said, — " My dear child, do not worry yourself about what the world says of me. I am quite able to defend myself when it is necessary." I never troubled him again with any gossip, for I was a little crestfallen at the sly look that accompanied his words. He saw that I was hurt, and soothed me so tenderly that I could not help saying, — " Whatever your politics are, papa, you love me, and I love you, but I like others to think as well of you as I do."

My father's most intimate friends were Lord and Lady Railton, and I was a special favourite of theirs, and when I left the schoolroom I mixed with very gay and fashionable society under their escort, and it was Lady Railton who introduced me at Court. I was almost like a daughter to her, for she had no children of her own, and thoroughly entered into all my difficulties at home. They seemed to increase as I grew older, and thus I was glad to be staying with any friends rather than be alone with my mother. Lord and Lady Railton were very fond of playing practical jokes on me, and I was easily taken in. A circumstance occurred in connection with them when I was about eighteen that will illustrate my friends' powers of amusing them selves at my expense. I was a very modest girl, and I think I should have been deemed a prude by the young ladies of the present day ; thus what I am about to relate, and the trouble it caused me, will be scarcely credited, nevertheless I assure you my anger and distress were not feigned.

I had been staying for a few days with Lord and Lady Railton ; their house was about three miles distant from my father's, and in one of the most fashionable parts' of London. I had accompanied my friends to a soiree which Lady Northly had given, and to which I had received a special invitation. At this party I excited the admiration of an old gentleman, who scarcely left my side during the whole evening, and overwhelmed me with marked attentions. Lord Railton teased me during the drive home, and was most un merciful the next morning, supposing all kinds of improbable means that my " old admirer," as he called Sir Edward Meymott, would adopt in order to meet me again. I was glad to escape from my tormentor soon after luncheon, and accompany Lady Railton on a shopping expedi tion, and I was to be taken home as soon as we had completed our various purchases.

In the course of the afternoon my garter became un clasped, and dropped without my being aware of it, just at the moment when Sir Edward Mey mott, my beau of the previous evening, came forward and spoke to me. I had not observed him as we entered the shop, and was covered with confusion, the result of Lord Railton's un sparing fun at Sir Edward's expense. When we stopped at my father's house, Lady Railton turned to me, and said in the gravest manner, "Jemima, have you dropped your garter, I saw one lying at Sir Edward's feet." — " My garter, Lady Railton," I replied ; " what do you mean ? Of course it is here, for my stocking feels quite firmly fixed." Lady Railton made no further remark, and did not tell me that it was safe in her pocket. When I reached my bedroom I soon discovered that I was minus my garter, and was very much distressed about it.

One minute I wondered if Sir Edward Meymott had really picked it up, the next I felt sure he would not take the trouble, for how could he know that it belonged to me. I was vexed about the occurrence and sorely tempted to write and ask Lady Railton if she had really seen Sir Edward pick it up, but I decided at last that I had better wait until I saw her again. The next morning, when the letter which I copy here arrived, my annoyance and mortification were complete. " To Miss Compton. " Honoured and much-respected Madam — " Pardon me for thus addressing you after so short an acquaintance. At this moment I have reposing near to my heart an article of dress which I know belongs to you, and yet I cannot part with it, or return it to its rightful owner. You will not, dear lady, be hard-hearted enough to ask for it, when I assure you that the possession of it is enhanced ten thousand times by the remembrance of the wearer.

Say, oh say, that it may be mine for ever, and confer a lasting obligation on your most devoted servant ! " E. M." This letter caused me so much discomfort and shame that I summoned my father's old servant John to accompany me, and immediately started off to call on Lady Railton, and be advised by her how to act in the matter. John was a trusted domestic, with powdered wig, and grave face, and it was only when attended by him that I was allowed to walk alone in London. When I reached Lady Railton's house, I was rejoiced to find that she was at home, and I immediately begged her to peruse my7 letter, expressing at the same time the intense vexation I felt that my garter had fallen into Sir Edward's hands. Lady Railton advised me to write at once and demand it back again, and I had positively commenced an answer, when I was startled by a burst of laughter from Lord Railton, who had entered the room un noticed by me.

I instantly understood that I had been taken in somehow, and went home very angry with Lord Railton for having duped me so completely. Lady Railton called in the after noon and returned my garter to me, and my temper had so far cooled that I readily forgave Lord Railton the vexation he had caused me, though I always felt that he carried his joke too far. You may think I made much ado about a very7 small matter ; but I can assure you that, in my youthful days, young ladies were taught to be oj 12 so guarded in their habits, behaviour, and dress, that the other sex were not supposed to know of the existence of such articles of toilette as were not patent to the eye. It seems to me that all this decorum has passed away of late, and par ticularly since crinolines have been worn ; but then I am an old woman now, and perhaps inclined to be a little over-particular.

I cannot tell how I should have acted if I had been still young — probably have done as my compeers did, made myself unartistic for Fashion's sake, and worn a crinoline. I hear this fashion will soon change, and I should be very glad of it, only that I am afraid that a more extravagant one may come into vogue ; but perhaps, after all, when I was a girl female attire was as much regarded and as preposterous as at the present day. I think that the grandest out-door dress that I ever had was at the beginning of the season of the y7ear that I was introduced at Court. My father seemed suddenly to grow enormously wealthy, and insisted on my presentation, and he gave Lady Railton carte blanche to furnish me with any kind of expensive toilettes that she deemed desirable. This was in the year 1807, and at the end of April my walking-dress came home.

I wore it at the opening of the Royal Academy. It consisted of a short mantle of orange and an Old Maid' s Life. 13 purple velvet, which fastened on the right shoulder, and crossing the bosom, was confined with a rich cord and tassels under the left arm. The dress was made of silk of the same colours, and the whole was trimmed with spotted leopard fur. I had a straw hat with a quilling of French net inside, and it was tied down under the chin with a silk handkerchief. My petticoat was made of clear India muslin, and had a train : it was very full and untrimmed. I had shoes of the same colour as the dress, and white gloves. I cannot quite recall what occasion this toilette was made for, and I find it omitted in my diary, but I know that I received many compliments on my appearance at the Royal Academy, and I think I was more taken up with myself than the pictures.

If I remember rightly, we went to the private view, and thus met many of our own set. I know there were several portraits of Lord Nelson, and that his various naval engagements formed some of the principal subjects for the paintings of that vear. Wilkie's " Blind Fiddler," too, created an immense excitement. Certainly on this occasion my dress, and the attentions that I received, were uppermost ; but I went many times during the season, for I was really fond of painting for my own amusement, and enjoyed good pictures. When I contrast my costume of those day7s Ups and Downs of an Old Maid's Life. 14 with my present wardrobe, I can hardly believe that I ever wore expensive materials, for I rarely have a new gown now, and am thankful to remake Olivia's black silks. Fortunately, I am shorter than she is, and can cut off all the worn parts, and thus manage to get tidy and respect able dresses.

I always put on my best when I go and spend a long day with any of my friends. I cannot walk as I used to do, and am obliged to be drawn in my little pill-box as I call it, or hand chair, and I never' return empty handed. Pies, apples, tea, pheasants, jam, and all kinds of delicacies have accompanied me home for many years on these gala occasions, which form the great excitement of my life now.

Chapter II Must

go back some y7ears, and introduce you to the friends with wfiom I became acquainted when I was about sixteen years old. Mr. Burnand and his family exercised no small influence over my future destiny7, and were my warmest and truest friends ; they came forward and took me home when fortune failed, and the many acquaintances of my bright days forsook me. But for their kindly aid in that crisis I know not what would have become of me. Once in a lifetime we form these strong attachments but not oftener, at least that is my experience, and standing as I do, and have done, without a single relative to lean upon, I am deeply thankful that my lot was cast with them. Ours has been a strong love, it has sur vived three generations, and bids fair to continue through the fourth, for little feet often come pattering up the staircase, and little voices are heard in my room asking after my welfare, and bringing nice delicacies to tempt my failing appe tite.

These young ones are charged, too, with many a kindly message of greeting from their parents : certainly they do their part towards cheering the " old maid's " declining days. Mr. Burnand's position was a good one. He ranked amongst the first-class gentry, and had amassed a considerable sum of money in business. He was much respected by all who knew him, and was esteemed amongst his friends as a liberal giver, and a most hospitable entertainer. He resided with his wife and daughters in the country, or rather in what is now considered the suburbs of London. At the time of which I write, some five miles from the city was really country, and houses were only scattered about at long intervals, and surrounded by green fields on every side. The old house still stands, but habitations large and small hem it in on every side, whilst the whistle of the trains that run in several directions disturb the solitude of past days, and the beautiful garden and its fine old elm trees alone remained untouched.

I do not care to pass Elm House now, it looks so different — I had rather cherish the memory of pleasant days spent in social intercourse with those I valued so truly. an Old AI aid's Life. 17 On the first occasion that we met Mr. Bur nand, he still retained his business-house in the Strand, and thither I accompanied my parents to view the pageantry that celebrated Duncan's victory, on which occasion His Majesty George III. went to St. Paul's to return thanks to God for the naval successes that his fleet had accom plished. My father had had some transactions in business with Mr. Burnand, and solicited from him the favour of being allowed to have seats that would command the procession. We were kindly welcomed and most courteously entertained by Mr. Burnand, and received many attentions from his wife and daughters.

It was with the eldest, who was about my own age, that I commenced a friendship which lasted through our lives. We were mutually pleased with one another at this our first introduction, and much time was not allowed to elapse before visits were exchanged between the two families. My father and Mr. Burnand thought differ ently on almost all subjects, and totally disagreed with one another in politics and religion. I have heard them argue very difficult questions, but both were so essentially gentlemen, that they never forgot to be courteous to one another, or made use of expressions unfit for ladies' ears; and the mothers and daughters used to sit by and c enjoy the racy debates that were carried on between the two. Perhaps I should not write " mothers " for there was little in common with Mrs. Burnand and my mother, and the intimacy did not ripen in the same degree as between the fathers and daughters of the families.

Mr. and Mrs. Burnand had two daughters. Charlotte, the eldest, who became my intimate friend, and Olivia, an intelligent child, her mother's darling, who had just completed her eighth year. I wish that I could do justice to Mrs. Bur nand's character, but it will be a difficult matter, she seemed to soar so much above all other women that I have ever known. There is one whom I except, and that is her daughter Olivia, who is the type of her mother now. Mrs. Burnand was a Quakeress, and I may just say in passing, that her husband was also a member of the Society of Friends, and that Charlotte and Olivia were brought up in the same faith, though neither of them adopted the rigid costume. Mrs. Burnand was tall and thin. When I first knew her there were several grey streaks visible in hair that once must have been raven black.

Her manners were calm and dignified, and she possessed such perfect repose in her self that she gave the tone to those around her. The most beautiful trait in her character was her love of peace ; she would sacrifice herself to keep and establish perfect family concord. I realized this fully as her daughters grew older, for perhaps two more uncongenial spirits never existed, and it was her influence alone that softened the rough edges of both natures. She was the most unselfish woman that I ever met with, and possessed an immense faculty of throwing herself into every one's troubles or pleasures, and this I think was one of her greatest charms. Far and wide amongst the circle of relations and friends who gathered round the hospitable board at Elm House Mrs. Burnand was consulted : there was no fear of her expressing ennui ; she was known to be a true helper, and ever ready to listen attentively and give her advice cheerfully.

At the same time she inspired deep respect and lasting gratitude, for a friend in whose ears you can pour out the sorrows of every-day life is a choice boon and a rare jewel that money will not buy7. I can testify to this from my personal experience. My chosen companion, Charlotte, had no special merit to claim description in the way of good looks, she was a thorough lady in her movements and words, and formed a direct contrast to her very rapidly improving sister Olivia, who, as years rolled on, grew more and more like her mother, and bid fair to be extremely hand some. My father rose high in his parliamentary offices, and was introduced to many members of the aris tocracy. Through his influence I became one of their set, and this of course gave a tone to my' character which it might otherwise have wanted, for my mother was not a gentlewoman, nor could any effort of my father's make her one, and yet in spite of this she had much influence over him.

My intimacy with Lady Railton did not di minish one whit ; and when my father was at the zenith of his prosperity as it seemed to me, I was presented at Court. It was in the month of June. I remember it was the birthday of King George III. He completed his sixty-ninth year; and I believe no more brilliant drawing-room was ever held. There was another reason for the great crowd that assembled there, which was this, — the Princess of Wales returned once more to grace the royal circle. It is not for me to enter into the various family troubles of those days, but I know that her presence on that occasion lent a more than ordinary degree of interest to the drawing-room. I felt very nervous, and was glad when I had made my curtsey, for then I was able to enjoy myself and take in the various points of interest.

The princesses formed an elegant group, and the dress of the Princess of Wales excited universal admiration. The colour was lilac, and it was richly decorated with silver. Of course I remember every detail of my own toilette, for I have gathered my pupils round me many times and told them the most minute circumstances con nected with my presentation at Court, and many ey7es have been opened wide at the idea of poor insignificant me having passed before a queen in court dress and feathers! My father told Lady Railton to spare no expense, as he had a par ticular end in view which he considered could only be attained by my presentation and a very elaborate toilette. I never learned why he wished all this, but he was very peremptory, so though I was nearly twenty-six, I had to yield ; but if I had consulted my own taste I should not have gone to the drawing-room.

Any shade of yellow, or orange, suited my complexion best, and harmo nized well with my jet black hair. After many long confabs between the dressmaker and Lady Railton it was at last decided that I should have a petticoat of pale yellow silk embroidered with silver, and a deep border of silver round the bottom of it ; a double skirt made of thin material caught up with tassels in festoons, and a train of yellow crape entirely covered with silver spangles, and finished with an embroidered border. My head-dress was composed of pale yellow feathers and diamonds, the latter belonged to Lady Railton, who considered my coiffure most becoming, and was quite satisfied to be my chaperone on this occasion. We dined a large party at Lord Railton's after the drawing-room, and we all adjourned to the theatre in the evening.

Mrs. Siddons was then attracting crowds every night that she made her appearance. She acted Queen Katherine in Henry VIII., and it was the first time that I had seen her in this character, and I think she excelled herself. She appeared under so many different phases, and seemed to me to unite feminine gentleness with regal majesty when she addressed the king in these words : — " Sir, I desire you, do me right and justice, And to bestow your pity on roe ; for I am a most poor woman, and a stranger, Born out of your dominions." I can only^say that if Queen Katherine urged her right as Mrs. Siddons urged it for her, surely none but a Henry VIII. and a Wolsey could have resisted the appeal ; and when the latter and Cardinal Campeius pressed that arguments should be produced and heard, the voice in which Mrs Siddons pronounced these words, " Lord Cardinal!" thrilled through me.