The Life and Adventures of Valentine Vox ... Illustrated

Front matter

VALENTINE VOX. LONDON : WYMAN AND SONS, PRINTERS, GREAT QUEEN STREET, Lincoln's inn fields, w.c. oAtip^^j utmvu lyflAtdhsis .? THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF VALENTINE VOX THE VENTRILOQUIST BY HENRY COCKTON "UNI ÆQUUS VIRTUT1 " WITH ILLUSTRATIONS ON STEEL LONDON GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL NEW YORK : 416 BROOME STREET ROUTIEDGE'S CROWN NOVELS. In Crown Svo. Cloth, with Illustrations. THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS. By Eugene Sue. THE WANDERING JEW. By Eugene Sue. VALENTINE VOX. By Henry Cockton. HANDY ANDY. By Samuel Lover. FRANK FAIRLEGH. By Frank E. Smedley. TOM JONES. By Henry Fielding. HARRY LORREQUER. By Charles Lever.

CONTENTS. 0 -HAP- PAGE I. — The Birth and Education of Valentine, with the Parental Peculiarities and Premature Death of his immediate Ancestor 9 2. — The Genius and characteristic Honour of a great Magician ; Valentine inspires the Spirit of his Art 12 3- — Valentine makes rapid Progress. — His first grand Public Display. — Striking Development of Political Injustice. — A sanguinary Local Rebellion subdued 15 4. — Maternal Solicitude. — Great-uncle John in Convulsions. — The Chastity of a Maiden impugned 22 5. — Explains how Valentine started for London; how entertaining Travelling Companions can be; how a valiant Blacksmith can be a Dead Shot ; how firm may be the Faith of a Coachman in Witchcraft ; and how it is possible for a Journey to be protracted 25 6. — Peculiar Liberality of the Gentleman in Black. — The Green-eyed Monster prevents the Performance of a most disinterested Act of Friendship 33 '], — Introduces Uncle John's Friend and his affectionate Relatives, with a Knight of a new Order, two invisible Burglars, and one most remarkable Sweep 38 S. — The Consultation of an interesting Family Party, at which itis decided that Something must be done 44 9. — Valentine's Visit to the House of Commons 47 ii, — In which Goodman is honoured with a peculiar Visit, and subsequently seized in tlie most mysterious Manner possible 56 II. — The Mysterious Seizure. — A Gentleman Drowned in Imagination. — First Appearance of Valentine upon the Stage of the Italian Opera - 59 12. — Valentine's Trip to Gravesend VI CONTENTS.

CHAP. PAGE 13. — In which Valentine is introduced to Three new Friends, with One of whom he passes a very pleasant Niglit 85 14. — Goodman is conducted to his new Residence. — The Liberty of the Subject illustrated. — The Commencement of an Exposition of a System which cannot be generally known 93 15. — Valentine visits the British Museum. — Imparts Breath io Memnon, and raises a Voice from the Tomb 97 16. — The Sale of Goodman's Property by Walter, and the extraordinary Stoppage thereof by Valentine 104 17. — Valentine visits Guildhall. — Becomes acquainted with those ancient and respectable Warriors, Gog and Magog, to whom he imparts Speech pro tern., and then proceeds to discuss Matters of Personal Importance with t/ie eloquent Members of the Court of Common Council. 110 18. — Shows what a Conscience Goodman's Brother had 119 19. — The Widow's Victim 124 20. — Contains a Bird's-eye View of Goodman's unenviable Position ... 129 21. — The Equal-rightites' mighty Demonstration • 132 22. — In which Horace sets to with the Ghost of Goodman, and Walter burns the Spectre out 137 23. — Valentine attends a Phrenological Lecture, and inspires a Murderer's Skull with Indignation 141 24. — Brings the Reader back to Goodman, who boldly concaves a particular Plan, the Execution of which is unavoidably postponed .. . 147 25. — Valentine visits the Victuallers' Fancy Fair 151 26. — In which Valentine visits the London Docks, and reprehensibly induces a wicked Waste of Wine 164 27. — Valentine becomes acquainted with a frightful Calamity, and has a heart-rending Interview on the Subject with Horace 176 28. — The Masquerade at Vauxhall 181 29. — In which Valentine has the Pleasure of meeting two Persons in whom he takes great Interest, and whom he accompanies to a Wax-work Exhibition jg0 30. — Goodman matures his Plan of Escape.

Chapter I

The Birth and Education of Valentine, with the Parental Peculiarities and Premature Death of his immediate Ancestor. In one of the most ancient and populous boroughs in the county of Suffolk, there resided a genius named Jonathan Vox, who, in order to make a fortune with rapidity, tried everything, but sailed to succeed in anything, because he could stick long to nothing. At the age of five-and-twenty, this gentleman, who was held to be a highly respectable Christian, in consequence of his regular attendance at church twice every Sabbath-day, became enamoured of the expectations of Miss Penelope Long, a young lady who had an uncle supposed to have made a mint of money somehow, and an aunt who was believed to have another mint somewhere. To the best of Miss Penelope's belief, she had not another relative in the world, and as this belief was singularly enough imparted to Jonathan, he at once became inspired with the conviction that he could not con veniently do better than secure Miss Penelope, seeing that, if even he were not made wealthy at once, there was wealth in the family, which must at some period or other be his, as neither uncles nor aunts, though they live much too long for the convenience of many, are immortal.

Accordingly Jonathan embraced the very earliest opportunity of assailing Miss Penelope's heart, and this he managed to do with considerable com fort to himself, and with no inconsiderable satisfaction to the lady : for while on the one hand Jonathan had been cast in an insinuating mould, on the other he and Penelope were of the self-same "order," a circumstance which, in a town where the eighteenpenny people cannot associate with the shilling individuals without being regularly cut by the half crowners, clearly renders the first advances in matters of this description peculiarly agreeable. Jonathan, therefore, at once manfully commenced the attack with an original remark, having reference to the weather ; but finding this a some what barren topic, he adroitly changed it to that of the eloquence of the minister of St. James's — a subject with which they were both of course perfectly conversant, and which lasted them, with sundry interpolations, until prudence compelled them to separate for the night.

The next evening, by appointment, the attack was renewed, and the thing was followed up with ardour for a period of fifteen >ears, Jonathan being naturally anxious to defer the consummation of his happiness as long as he possibly could, in expectation of an event which might cause both Penelope and himself to sport "the trappings and the suits of woe " At the expiration of this period, however, it having been delicately suggested by Penelope that <hey had known each other long enough to know each other well, the day was named, and in the presence of Uncle Jonn and Aunt Eleanor, Jonathan and Penelope were united. In less than twelve months from this period, Jonathan was presented with an interesting pledge of affection in the perfect similitude of a son. This, of course, made his heart glad.

He kissed his heir, sang to him, and would inevitably have killed him, but for the interposition of the nurse, who insisted upon taking the child away just as Jonathan was urging him to drink his pa's health in a glass of hot brandy-and-water. Now Jonathan, as we have stated, could never, in pecuniary matters, get on — a circumstance not attributable solely to his inability to adhere for any length of time to any one pursuit, but also to the fact that, with all his ardent love of independence— with all his eager anxiety to realize a rapid and a splendid fortune, he was exceedingly improvident, and had a really great contempt for all small sums of money. He would lend twenty pounds at any time without the most remote prospect of its ever being returned, or accept a bill of exchange for that or any other amount without a chance of its being honoured by the drawer.

This kept him perpetually poor. The more money he got, the more he thus got rid of : indeed, he was always in debt, and that always in proportion to the amount of his income. Uncle John knowing this to be one of the chief characteristics of Jonathan, and conceiving it to be high time to convince him of the pro priety of acting with less improvidence in future, sought, immediately after the christening of his heir — who, at the instance of Aunt Eleanor, was named Valentine — to impress upon his mind the expediency of reforming. Of course Jonathan saw the force of the suggestion in a moment. lie promised to reform ; and he did reform. He was inexorable for a month. He would not lend a shilling ; nor would he accept a bill to accommodate any man. He had a family, and in justice to that family he could not consent to do it.

At the expiration of the month, however, his resolution vanished. He was induced by a friend to do that which he had often done before, but which he had promised Uncle John that he would never do again, and when the time came for honouring the instrument, neither he nor his friend could make up the amount, and the consequence was that he was immediately arrested. Valentine was of course then too young to be actively engaged in pro moting the release of the author of his being ; but it is notwithstanding a fact, that he caused him to be released, seeing that through him, and through him alone, Uncle John paid the bill, and thus set him at liberty. This event had a salutary effect upon Jonathan. He had no more to do with those dangerous instruments. What he lent was lent in specie : he would not lend his name to any man after that.

Now, in obedience to Nature's immutable law, Master Valentine gradually grew older ; and when he had arrived at the age of nine years, he was placed by Uncle John under the care of the Reverend Henry Paul, a gentleman who, being unable with any great degree of comfort to support himself, a wife, and seven children, upon the ,£50 a year which he derived from his curacy, took a limited number of pupils, at twelve guineas per annum, and no extras. Mr. Paul's academy was in the immediate vicinity of Newmarket, and Mr. Paul himself was a benevolent and virtuous man. He would shrink from even the semblance of a dishonourable action, and would, rather than be guilty of one, no matter how venial in the eye of the world it might be, live, glorying in the rectitude of his conduct, on starvation's brink.

His father had been an eminent merchant, and so successful in the early part of his career, that he had at one time realized a fortune of at least He did not, however, relinquish business. Determined to do all in his power for his son — who, having received a sound preparatory education, was sent to Cambridge — he continued to pursue his old course of amassing wealth. The year, however, in which his son left Cambridge was a disastrous year to him. A series of unsuccessful speculations completely ruined him. He not only lost all he possessed, but was plunged into debt so deeply that extrication was impossible. So he became a bankrupt, and in the room in which his creditors met for the first time, the consciousness of his position overpowered him, and he died broken-hearted. Mr. Henry Paul was thus thrown upon the world without a shilling and without a friend.

He had neglected to make friends while at college, by being subservient to mere rank with a view to patronage, and had therefore no prospect of promotion. For some considerable time he was literally starving, but at last obtained a curacy, and soon after became enamoured of an accomplished young creature just as poor as himself, who was a governess in the rector's family, and whom he married, and thus in a pecuniary point of view sealed the fate of both for ever. From such a man Valentine need not have expected severity, albeit he had a lively apprehension of it at first. Mr. Paul regarded his pupils with considerate tenderness. Had they been his own children his treatment of them could not have been marked with more affection. His chief anxiety was to impart to them a knowledge of the right course, and a full appreciation of the advantages of which its pursuit is productive.

His censure was embodied in his praise of others ; his only punishment consisted in withholding reward. When Valentine had been at this academy five years, during which time he had made considerable progress, his father, while trying some nautical experiment in a narrow-bellied water-butt, pitched, to the unspeakable mortification of an extensive circle of friends, headlong to the bottom, and was drowned. This event was to Valentine a source of deep affliction.-and he left school in consequence, never to return ; for after the solemn deposit of the remains ofthe departed in the family vault, the afflicted widow, as the only means of obtaining the slightest consolation, kept Valentine at home. His grief, however, speedily vanished. He had everything he wished for— was petted and "spoiled." Uncle John allowed the widow a respectable annuity, and the widow allowed Val to do just what he pleased.

He was usually from home the greater part of the day, either shooting, hunting, fishing, driving, or cricketing, and as he became an adept at every active game, he invariably had some match or other on hand. Thus matters went on for the space of four years, when a circumstance happened which influenced his conduct through life so materially, that had it not occurred, the probability is that his adventures would never have been published to the world.

Chapter II

The Genius and characteristic Honour ofa great Magician ; Valentine inspires the Spirit of his Art. WHEN the birthplace of Valentine was visited by Signor Antonio Hes perio de Bellamoniac, juggler to the King of Naples, and teacher of the black art to Gwang Foo Twang, the Grand Emperor of China, it was announced that a wonderful exhibition of the science of legerdemain, of which the signor was for the nonce an Italian professor, would take place in a room at the back of the Bull, a well-known inn. Now the Bull was the nightly resort of a select number of townsmen, of whom the chief in the estimation of the company was a Mr. Timotheus Ironsides, the reporter and sub-editor of one of the journals — a gentleman whom the signor so delighted the evening previously to the wonderful exhibition, that he voluntarily promised to give him " a lift," — in con sideration of wliich promise the signor gave him a carte blanche to send in as many friends as he pleased.

Well, the hour at which the performances were to take place arrived, and the signor saw with dismay that he had embarked in a most atrocious speculation. There were not more than five-and-twenty patrons of art present ; of whom seven only paid the admission-fee, — namely, the small charge of 3d. ; and therefore, as the gross receipts amounted to no more than Is. 9d., Signor Antonio Hesperio de Bellamoniac determined on starting the next morning for some place in which genius was more highly appreciated, and somewhat more liberally patronized. On mentioning this, his fixed determination, after the performance, to Mr. Ironsides, that gentleman on the instant pointed out the extreme madness of the idea, explained to him that Wednesday was the grand market-day, that his paper was published on the Tuesday, that hundreds of farmers with their wives and daughters would then be in town, and that he was perfectly certain to have an audience crammed to the ceiling, after the just and impartial criticism he intended to give.

To this the signor listened with somewhere about half a smile, which was clearly indicative of the existence of a species of incredulity, with which they who are in the habit of gulling others invariably regard those who, as they imagine, are desirous of gulling them. He didn't see it clearly. He had not the smallest doubt about its being all correct; he knew that he was able to astonish them ; but how were they to be caught ? What sort of critique could be written to bring them ? These were the questions which the signor regarded as of infinite importance. " I'll show you," said Ironsides, " how we'll proceed : step here, and you shall judge for yourself." They accordingly retired to a little back parlour, in which they remained somewhat more than two hours concocting a criticism on the evening's performance, which certainly was, according to the signor's own acknow ledgment, "a flamer."

" Now," said the signor, " can you get this in?" " Certain," cried Ironsides ; " my honour 1" " I don't doubt your honour, but have you the power?" " Beyond every species of doubt !" replied the journalist. " Good," said the signor— "good, very good : the justice of it pleases. Excellent good ! Now I'll tell you what I'll do. That there's safe to draw 'em — there can't be two opinions about that. Vot say you, then ? I'll hire the large concert-room upon the Market-hill, and you shall go reg'lars in the profits." " Agreed ! " shouted Ironsides. " So certain am I that we shall have a good house, that I'll bear half the losses, whatever they may be." "That's precisely the game!" said the signor — "I'm delighted! — Have you got such a thing as a crown ? I expected some remittances this morning, which can't now be here before to-morrow."

" With pleasure ! " cried Ironsides. " I want to get some bills out," continued the signor, "very early in the morning." "Leave all that to me," observed Ironsides; "I'll undertake to do that. I'll have some flamers struck off; ay, and posted before you are up." " Good again ! " cried the signor. " You know more about them than I do. I'll leave it to you entirely." " You'll find no nonsense about me," observed Ironsides, rising and taking the signor by the hand. " Good night." " Be stirring with the lark, good Norfolk ! " cried the signor, as the journalist made his exit. " Is this to go down to Mr. Ironsides ?" anxiously inquired the landlord. " Of course ! " replied the signor — " of course. Now a light ! " In the space of three minutes Signor Antonio Hesperio de Bellamoniac — whose real name, it may perhaps be proper to observe, was John Tod — submitted to the embrace of Morpheus with great Christian resignation.

The next morning Mr. Ironsides wrote the placards, and had them printed and posted with so much expedition, that before twelve o'clock they illumined the town. The great magician beheld these flamers with delight, and when in the evening Ironsides, whose whole soul was centred in the spec, brought a paper down to show him the impartial critique, he applauded him even to the very echo. Everything was that night arranged. The room was swept, the chandelier polished, and the money-taker hired, while the cups and the balls, and the thimbles, and the swords, were placed in order, to the infinite satisfaction, not only of Ironsides, but of Signor Antonio Hesperio de Bellamoniac himself. In due course of time, the market morning arrived, and the town was, as usual, at an early hour thronged. The signor was in ecstasies when he found so many gaily-dressed persons, whose countenances seemed to indicate that their possessors were perfectly ready to be duped, walking leisurely up and down the principal streets, with their mouths wide open, ready to swallow anything.

He therefore employed himself during the day in going round and round the town with the view of witnessing the avidity with which the contents of the placards were read, and took especial care, incog. , to impress upon each group a mysterious idea of tin wonderful exhibition. Well, seven o'clock came, and the signor — sporting a pair of huge moustachios which he had purchased for this occasion expressly — wriggled his way through the crowd already assembled. The arrangements were admirable. Only one could pass in at a time, and there stood the magician, who drew a shilling from each person until the room was nearly filled, when, with an injunction to suffer no one to pass without paying, he surrendered his post to the responsible individual whom Ironsides had liberally engaged. Now the signor was what the world would call an exceedingly clever fellow.

He knew that he was perfectly uneducated, and was conscious of the construction of his sentences being anything but strictly grammatical. To conceal this, therefore, on the one hand, and to inspire the audience with the belief of his being — what he represented himself to be — an Italian, on the other, he had recourse to a jargon of his own composition — an indiscriminate mixture of Cockney English and Yankee French— which never by any chance failed him at a pinch. At eight o'clock precisely the curtain went up and discovered the great magician enveloped in a horsecloth, which he had borrowed of the ostler at the Bull, and which was meant to convey the idea of a robe. His appearance was singularly imposing, for he had tied on a long flowing beard, which had a peculiarly cabalistic and patriarchal effect, while his face — instead of being vulgarly daubed with vermilion — had been carefully rubbed over with whitening, to give him the aspect of one much addicted to study ; and lines had been made with a burnt cork, with the view of indicating the furrows wliich that study had established.

As soon as the enthusiasm with which his appearance was hailed had sub sided, the great magician, with due solemnity, stalked forward and addressed his audience briefly as follows: — "Ladi and Shenteelmongs, I have de honnare to say dis, dat I sail go troo warious parformong, and ven I sail svaller him sword town him troat, I vas give you vong specimens ob venter et loquer, dat am to say, speak in him pelly. " What was understood of this gave great satisfaction ; but what was most applauded was that which was most unintelligible. The performances then commenced, and the signor went through a variety of old tricks very cleverly. But when he came to his ventri loquism, he completely astounded his audience ; for never having heard anything like it before, they were in doubt as to whether there was not in him something superhuman.

He then commenced playing the violin ; and although he was an infamous fiddler, he managed to ravish his audience by producing a series of the most horrible sounds that ever assailed the ears of either man or beast ; and thus terminated the wonderful performances of the evening. Signor de Bellamoniac's next care was, of course, to get the money which had been taken at the door during the performance, which, added to the sum he had himself received, made the gross amount 15s. With this and his implements of jugglery — the whole of which were safely deposited in a small cotton handkerchief — he repaired to his quarters, where, of course, he was soon joined by his partner, the journalist. " Oh ! my dear sir ! " exclaimed the signor, as Ironsides entered, " I'm bound to you for hever." "Don't mention it," cried the journalist.

"You see I was right." "That talented notice of yourn did the trick," observed the signor; " that was the game ! " " You have a pretty good haul, " observed Ironsides. " Hexcellent ! " warmly exclaimed the signor ; " vords cannot express my deep gratitude. Vot'll you take ? I mean to stand a good supper to-night, if I never stand another." Accordingly, supper was ordered and eaten, and brandy-and-water ad libitum drunk, the whole of which was directed by the signor to be put down to the general account, which was accordingly done upon Ironsides' sole responsibility. " Now," said the signor, when Ironsides had drunk pretty freely, " sha'ii we divide the receipts of this glorious night now or in the morning ? " " As you please, my dear boy," said the journalist. " Well, I want to get rid, you know, of some of it," said the signor ; "but perhaps arter hall it 'ud better be done in the morning."

"Perhaps it had," hiccuped the journalist. " Vot time '11 you be down?" inquired the signor. " Any time you like," replied Ironsides. "Shall we say twelve, then?" observed the magician, "and by that time you'll be able to put down all you have paid for bills, and sutierer ; and I shall insist upon your having a couple of guineas hextra for that critic of yours in the paper." " Not a copper ! " cried Ironsides. " But I insist," said the signor. " So you may — but not a copper — not a cop " " Well I don't of course want to insult you. If you vont, vy there's a hend off the matter. — Come, drink." But Ironsides could drink no more. He felt that he had already drunk more than enough, and therefore left his friend and partner with the under standing that they were to meet the next morning at twelve.

The morning came, and the journalist was as punctual as the sun ; but Signor Antonio Hesperio de Bellamoniac was non est inventus. He had not been seen by any one connected with the Bull that morning. He had in short decamped with the money and his implements, without even leaving so much as his card ! Mr. Ironsides had therefore to pay for the concert-room, the flamers, the men, and the supper, with the collateral expenses incurred at the inn by the signor — the whole of which he paid too in absolute silence, lest the facts of the case should become known ; for he held it to be utterly inexpedient to be made the perpetual butt of the town.

Chapter III

Valentine makes rapid Progress. — His first grand Public Display. — Striking Development of Political Injustice. — A sanguinary Local Rebellion subdued. Of all the magician's auditors on the occasion to which we have alluded, Valentine was one of the most attentive ; and that portion of the per formances which most struck him was the signor's display of his power as a ventriloquist. Indeed, so deep an impression did it make upon his mind, that he firmly resolved to apply to the magician the following day, with the view of ascertaining if it were possible for him to become a ventriloquist himself. Finding, however, that the signor had so unceremoniously vanished from the town, he was left entirely to his own resources, and after trying with desperation for several days, he discovered, with equal astonishment and delight, that he in reality possessed the power of speaking with an abdominal intonation, and that zealous cultivation would cause that power to be fully developed.

He accordingly commenced a severe course of training. He rose early every morning and practised in the fields, and in doing so, frequently startled himself ; for the power that was within him, not being quite under control, would occasionally send the sound in one place when he fully intended it to have been in another. The consciousness, however, of his possessing this power urged him to persevere, and in less than six months it was entirely at his command. He then began to astonish all whom he met. He would call an individual by name, and cause the sound to proceed apparently from the opposite side of the street. If ladies were walking before him, he would instantly raise the dreaded cry of " Mad dog ! " and imitate the growlings of the animal in its paroxysms to perfection. If persons were passing an empty house, he would loudly cry " Murder ! — thieves !

" when, if he could but persuade them to break open the door, he would lead them from room to room by imitations of convulsive groans, until the house had obtained the reputation of being haunted. Valentine's first grand display, however, in public, was at a meeting con vened at the Guildhall, for the purpose of electing a sit and proper person to fill the vacancy occasioned by the lamentable death of Mr. Paving Com missioner Cobb. Party-feeling on that occasion ran high ; and the hall at the appointed hour was crowded to excess by the friends of the candidates, who looked at each other as if the laws only prevented the perpetration of cannibalism on the spot. As the mayor was about to open the important business of the day, with the expression of a lively hope that all parties would have a fair and impartial hearing, Valentine entered the hall, and having by virtue of perse verance reached the steps of the rostrum from which the electors were to be addressed, prepared at once to commence operations.

The first speaker was Mr. Creedale, an extremely thin gentleman, with an elaborately-chiselled nose, who came forward on the Liberal side to nominate Mr. Job Stone. " Gentlemen ! " said Mr. Creedale. "Nonsense!" cried Valentine, in an assumed voice, of course, which appeared to proceed from a remote part of the hall. " Gentlemen ! " repeated Mr. Creedale, with additional emphasis. " Pooh, pooh ! " exclaimed Valentine, changing the tone. " It may," said Mr. Creedale, "be nonsense, or it may be pooh, pooh ! but, gentlemen, I address you as gentlemen, and beg that I may not be interrupted." " Oh, don't mind Tibbs ; go on ! " cried Valentine. "Oh! Tibbs; indeed ;" observed Mr. Creedale, with a contemptuous curl of the lip. " It's Mr. Tibbs, is it ! " "No ! no !" cried the accused individual, who was a highly respectable grocer, and remarkable for his quiet and unassuming demeanour.