Crooked Paths

Preface

. A few years ago I was staying in Rome. One evening I went to the Pantheon to view its interior by moonlight. As the beauty of the effect met my eyes I was suddenly conscious that I had seen it before. I knew, however, that this was impossible, and for the moment dismissed the idea, merely regarding it as an experience common to many of us on visiting a place for the first time. We are on these occasions often under the impression that in some dimly remembered period of our existence we had seen the place, for the scenery is familiar to us. When I returned to my hotel I found that I could not refrain from thinking of this mysterious feeling, and so in order to satisfy myself I went again to the Pantheon on the next night. For several evenings until the moon waned, I sat there for hours endeavouring VI

PREFACE.

. to fix the time when I had previously seen all this. Gradually and piece by piece, as a smith picks a lock, I opened the clogged-up cells of my brain, until I clearly knew that this was not the first time I had lived. What memory thus set free revealed to me I have related in the pages of this work.

Chapter I

My wife has just brought our little Harry into my room to bid me good-night. How wistfully he looks at me, as if he comprehended all ; as if he knew that this illness could have but one inevitable ending ; that his mother's white face and sorrow-stricken expression portended a coming catastrophe — how near who could say ? Without a word she led him to my bedside. "Good-night, father. I hope you will be better to-morrow." " Good-night, Harry my boy ; I hope I may, so that we shall be able to go about together again, and then we will enjoy ourselves, won't we ? " Harry says nothing, and his mother is silently crying. He kisses me and then rushes to her arms. She takes him up and quietly leaves the room. A trivial incident this, it may be said. Yes, but in the light of after events the simplest occurrence is often magnified into one of great importance.

This was the last time during my life that I saw my child. Ah, Harry, if I had only known the future it would have been better that you were dying beside me too. Dying at thirty years of age with the best of wives and a lovable child — with money and friends and surroundings that the greatest might envy, beloved and esteemed as I believed by all. Dying ! How many a poor wretch who gazes longingly at the flowing river from the London bridges at night-time would envy me that state ; what poverty-stricken women and houseless men look forward to that consummation when the misery and wretchedness that they have inherited will cease for ever. Dying ! How easy to die ! says the suicide as he hurries himself into eternity ; nothing to keep him here, and with no fear of the future to deter him. To numbers of people death may have no horrors — may, in fact, be something that will better a condition that cannot, they think, be made worse ; but to me it is a dreadful thing.

Life is so pleasant just now — enjoy ments of all kinds are within my reach ; with my darling wife beside me I could look forward to many years of happiness and peace. Dying ! To the old it is an agreeable thought to contemplate death as the goal of existence, to have lived and delighted in the pleasures that the world has given them, to have seen their children grow up and settle in life, and then, as their friends fall off one by one they can look with clear eyes and unmoved brow upon the angel of death when he comes to call them away. For I was to die. When first the awful truth was conveyed to me I had struggled bitterly against my fate. The idea of experiencing death itself gave me no uneasiness ; it was the knowledge that I should exist no more that I dreaded. It was hard to leave a world that gave me so many blessings.

How I wished there was a Something or Somebody that could be induced to look upon me and pity me ; how I wished that I could make myself believe in that Somebody, even though he did not exist, in order that I might be a little comforted by looking forward to a possible miracle that would take away my disease, and give me life again. What had the science of medicine taught us, I would mentally exclaim, that left the doctors in my presence as ignorant as the wizards of old ? why all this labour after knowledge, this endless striving for the key of Nature's secrets that left each struggler weak and exhausted, and unhappily without the victor resigning any of her great lore? One after the other men have stood up to wrestle with Nature, one after the other they have fallen before her, she has been as powerful against the last as against the first ; they may come against her singly or in crowds, she resists and vanquishes them all, not one can make her weak in order that the next may be able to get something, be it ever so small, from her grasp ; they are all beaten and retire worsted from the fray ; and at this period of the world's life what do we know beyond what was known thousands of years ago ?

The nurse has moved to put the blinds down and shut out the fast-fading daylight. " Don't light the gas yet," I say, and she sits quietly down again. This morning the doctors had been in consultation and they have given me no hope. To my in quiries they have told me they are powerless to avert the end, and that there is no chance whatever that I can recover. I may live a day, a week, or I may die at any moment. One of them gently whispered that I must prepare myself for the next world. Ah, the next world ! where indeed was that? Was I to pass through the valley of the shadow of death to find it, or was it a myth invented by some well meaning man to satisfy the longings and aspirations of the human race ? Oh that I, could pierce the cloud that overshadowed me and see, if but for a moment, the beyond !

As I lay in the dark, my thoughts travelled back wards and forwards. To what end had I been born ? Why should I grow up, and die when I had just reached maturity ? why had I been endowed with a mind that looked to something beyond the mere existence of a few mortal years ? why was it that I regarded the human beliefs with pity at their childish ness and utter incapacity to satisfy the cravings of any but the smallest of intellects ? It seemed as if some Power had given with one hand and taken away with the other. If there was a Personal Governor where could I look around the world and see that his subjects were properly governed ? Why had he not explained to us, one and all, the reason that justified our existence? And what was the meaning of all these people in the world ? Why did they live their few years of life and pass away into utter oblivion ?

What enjoyment and pleasure had the majority of them, living like animals, with animal passions and desires, with little knowledge of good and evil, with many vices and few virtues ? My mind is getting as dark as the room. I feel like one rushing to the edge of a precipice, not able to stop himself, and soon to be cast to the bottom, whose depths he knows not. I am growing very weak, or why these sudden doubts of the future ? What voice is this I hear asking me why I doubt the truth of Christianity, and suggesting that I have no proofs and that there is prepared in Hell for me an eternity of torments ? Eternity of torments ! I laugh at the absurdity and this brings me to myself. My wife enters the room. " What, all in darkness, Edward ! " " Yes, light the gas." The nurse does so and leaves us.

Every day has my dear Alice spent hours by my bedside. Although in our talks we never touch on religious subjects I know she feels deeply my desire to die as I have lived the last few years, without any of the superstitious nonsense (as I call it) taught by the Churches. She was a true Christian herself, and I had never attempted to argue her out of lier belief; it mattered not to me what particular form of faith she professed. I, perhaps somewhat cynicaily, regarded all the votaries of religion with a little con tempt for their petty-mindedness, and I lived without feeling the want of any faith. When doubts first began to assail me I had struggled hard against them, and it was with great regret that I felt obliged to resign my early beliefs. My wife knew all my doubts ; I had told her of all my mental anguish at parting with a something that tried, however imper fectly, to teach us whence we come and whither we go.

And now there was nothing left in place of that faith ; I was a negative being, and although I hoped there was a happy future for us all I had no positive belief on the subject. To-night Alice was very much depressed. The decision of the doctors, although expected, was a great blow to her. She had been hoping against hope that there might yet be a chance that my life would be saved. This illusion was now dispelled, and we both had to face the awful fact that death was near. She sat silently beside my bed, stifling the rising sobs. Although I had long ceased to regard the Bible as a God-inspired work I still read it for its many beautiful passages and its grand poetry. May its noble influence upon English thought never cease. " Read me the fourteenth chapter of John's Gos pel," I said. To tread the dark path of death is no easy task.

Each moment that was bringing me nearer to eternity was plunging me deeper in darkness and doubt : each day as my physical powers were getting weaker and causing my mind to grow weaker too, the memories of my younger days became more vivid ; again and again was I hearing all that my mother had taught me — all that the priests had instilled into me of a faith that to our youth seems so beautiful, but which most of us throw off like an old garment when we grow up. Perhaps the first doubt is caused by the shock to our feelings when we discover how different people are to what we have been led to believe ; perhaps when we find that the ethics of Christianity are openly disregarded and laughed at in our practical business life. And now as I lay on my death-bed I began to have doubts — doubts that had I been in good health I should have ridiculed, but which I could not now keep down.

All the demons of Hell seemed whisper ing to me : " You will be for ever a tormented being ; you may have been a good citizen ; you may have helped the poor ; you may have comforted many ; your mind may be pure, your nature good ; you may have loving thoughts for all ; but you have not be lieved in Christ : did He die for you in vain ? ' He that believeth not shall be damned ; ' and you have not believed, nay more, you have deliberately rejected the belief." As I breathed I seemed to hear the words : " Tor ments for ever, torments for ever, eternity, eternity, eternity ! " My wife commenced to read the beautiful words from the chapter I had selected, and as she went on I began to feel more at ease, my thoughts took a happier turn and my reason became more balanced : no longer was I assailed with doubts ; no longer did I dread the future.

If death were but the gate of an eternal life then surely I should meet with the Spirit of Truth, whom, the writer of the fourth gospel so truly says, " the world cannot receive, because it seeth Him not, neither knoweth Him ". The words soon became indistinct and were like a peaceful murmur in my ears. They were pleasant to listen to, but they conveyed no meaning to me, my ideas became confused, and then I suppose I fell asleep, for all was dark and silent.

Chapter II

When I became conscious of outward things I was standing on an immense plain that was covered with a misty fog-like vapour. In front of me I could not see distinctly, for the base of the hill that in the distance appeared was hidden in a thick mist, but the summit was flooded with a bright light that seemed the reflec tion of a glorious, unseen sun. High and inaccessible seemed the top, and yet I longed to climb. I looked around ; the plain was full of people — men, women, and children — who unceasingly were walking towards the hill ; some with eyes strained as if they would pierce through the mist that surrounded them, some with eyes bent on the ground, some with body erect gazing at the sunlit hill, some, alas, how few ! looked happy, many were shedding tears, many looked with patient resignation straight before them.

And I wondered what these people meant. But as I gazed at the cloud of mist at the foot of the hill I saw that in the middle, almost hidden, stood a Man. " Who is the Man ? " I asked, but no one replied. The multitudes were still walking, walking, weary but never still, and I noticed that as they approached the hill they became less numerous, and were nearly all old ; sometimes amongst these a young man would be seen, but as soon as he drew near the hill he disappeared. From the distance all round as far as eye could see the young ones came running joy fully on, pleased with the bright vision before them, and as they ran they grew older. Although there were many that walked alone, yet I noticed that a young man and a young woman would often clasp hands and walk together ; and then for a few steps they hurried on with smiling faces, but soon their speed slackened and the smiles died away.

But all made for the hill that was covered in sunshine. And in agony I cried again, " Who is the Man ? " and a voice of thunder replied, " It is the Christ ". And then I knew Him that was seen so dimly and whom the people strove to reach with such anxious faces. And I too began to walk towards the hill, quickly at first, but my feet began to tire ; others got in my way and delayed me ; some did so not seeing me, but many endeavoured to keep me back on purpose, but something within me urged me not to stop. So I walked for many days but I got no nearer the hill, and I tried to hasten, but I could not, for I was tired. And a man stood up and spake and said : " Why do ye walk, ye men, towards the hill ? you will never reach there, and the Man you see is a vision of your own brains, He does not exist.

Look around and see and enjoy the things that are within your grasp ; the things you see near you are brighter than the sunshine on the hill and more pleasant." And I noticed that the faces of the people grew more troubled, and one said : " Our thoughts of themselves worry us, do not you worry us too ". And the man who spake laughed and said : " You will never get to the hill, you will die first ". And the same voice replied : " We will die striving to reach the Ideal, otherwise we have lived in vain ". And then it seemed that I walked on for many years, but never could I get nearer the hill, and my heart grew faint within me and I murmured and said : " The hill and the Man and the bright sunshine do not exist, and I will strive no more ". Then I looked around to see if any were with me, and I found but a few, and some seemed determined to pierce the mist, but others fainted with weariness.

And 1 spoke to one, but as I did so he appeared to pass away, and I felt I was alone, although the men around me were ever near. And I walked on in tears, and then I grew weary and stopped. " Is this to be the end of all ? " I cried in anguish, and a voice that sounded sweeter than music on a summer's sea replied, " No ". I looked whence the voice proceeded and was entranced ; for standing in front of me was the fairest vision that mortal eyes had ever seen. It was an angel woman clothed in garments of purest white. Her eyes were bright like coals of fire, her dark wavy hair fell over her shoulders and reached to her feet. Her wings were outstretched, and her hands were clasped across her bosom. As I looked I trembled violently, for the sight of such matchless beauty made my senses reel. And I would have fainted but she spoke again : — " Walk on in peace," she said, and pointed to the Man.

" Who are you ? " I asked. " The Spirit of Truth," she replied, and she smiled; and in her smile I forgot the plain and the mist and the weary struggle for the hill, but I could see the Man more clearly. Then still pointing to the Man she floated onwards in front of me and I followed. Soon she had passed away and I saw her standing in the sunshine on the summit of the hill. Then she appeared to melt away in the rays of the heavenly sun, and I saw her no more. And then I came to the foot of the hill and found that the mist had rolled away. But the Man I could not see, and as I wondered, being in doubt, I glanced upward at the frowning heights above me. Again I felt the desire to climb to the top, but as I put one foot forward to commence the ascent, lo ! I was on the summit. Then I looked downwards away from the plain whence I had come and beheld on all sides such an immensity of light that my eyes were dazzled.

I could see nothing for the great brightness, but the source of the light was not revealed to me. Gradu ally my eyes became accustomed to the glare and soon I perceived a woman standing by herself. As I watched her she looked up, and a cry of joy broke from me, for I recognised my mother. She smiled and beckoned me to come to her. And then I thought I would hasten down to her, but to my horror I found I could not move. I struggled hard but some mysterious power had hold of me and kept me still. Then she beckoned once more. I tried again and again to advance towards her, but my efforts were of no avail. I was as one glued to the spot. I attempted to cry out but no sound came. I was helpless and dumb. And then I knew that I should never reach her and the knowledge of it made me miserable. It was terrible to stand there and see her whom I loved so well and not to be able to go to her.

Soon I perceived that she knew I could not move, and she looked troubled and sad. I made one final attempt to break away from the awful place on which I stood. I moved, but, alas ! it was only to fall backwards away from her and onwards to the misty plain. The fearful sensation of falling made me cry out, and as I did so I awoke to find myself lying in bed and my dear Alice looking anxiously at me.

Chapter III

The dream had been so vivid that for a few seconds I was unable to grasp the fact that I was not dead, but gradually I became aware that I was still alive and in bed and that I was yet to experience the sensation of dying. " Have I slept long ? " I asked. " Only a few seconds," replied Alice, I commenced to tell her the dream, but the power to speak had become difficult I tried to continue the narrative, but the effort was too much. I must have become much weaker during the last few minutes, for hitherto I could converse without feeling tired. Seeing that it was a labour for me Alice suggested that I should tell her in the morning. " Read me the chapter again," I said at last, con vinced that I was fast sinking. She opened the book again and read : — " Let not your heart be troubled ; ye believe in God, believe also in me ".

Thoughts, ah, sad thoughts ! will come to the dying. Can they lie in bed and not think when they know the cold passage from life to death is so near and that they must pass through it — and alone ? How horrible to die alone ! That is the most fearful part of the ordeal. If only we could have some one with us, some one with whom to clasp hands and then to gether to face the awful future ! There would be some comfort to the dying if companionship were vouchsafed to them. The tones of my wife's voice sounded very sweetly in my ears. "In my Father's house are many mansions. . . . I go to prepare a place for you. . . . And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know." Beliefs of all kinds become shadowy in the presence of death. The soul looks beyond the earth at that time. Christianity has never succeeded in doing any thing great or even worthy of the human race.

What fruits has it brought forth ? The ambitious projects of the Popes of Rome, the horrors of the Inquisition, the fires of Smithfield, and tortures of every imaginable vindictiveness. It has taught an unnatural morality ; it has caused wars innumerable ; at this moment the nations that profess to be Christian are those that are armed to the teeth ready to spring at and slay one another. The greatest enemies to education and free dom of thought have been the priests of all Churches, and they are so still. In England the clergy are but the paid servants of the rich — paid to preach content ment with the present unreal state of society by which the rich only have the power to choose the blessings of life. Oh, these bitter thoughts ! how they crowded into my fast-waning mind, they seemed to become more bitter as I approached nearer the grave.

" I am the way, and the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by me." So she read on. It was getting dark. I thought the gas had been lighted. Well, I must die. My worldly affairs are in order and everything has been arranged for the future that will not know me. There is nothing left undone. I have only to die. Nothing, ah ! is there nothing ? What is that strange voice that whispers to me : " I am the way, the truth, and the life. There is no other Name under heaven by which you shall be saved " ? Am I dreaming again or did I hear it ? No ; there is only Alice near me and I can hear her reading. I am alone with my God. O awful loneliness ! And now what of the boasted strength of mind ? why do I be gin to fear that I may have been wrong? Why do I tremble? Oh, if the Bible is after all true and the priests are right !

Is there an eternity of torment for me ? What has my life been and what good have I done ? Suppose I have always been upright and just, suppose I have always done my duty — what then if I have rejected Christ ? I tried to oust these terrible thoughts from my mind and to listen to Alice, but the same ideas kept re volving within me and kept repeating themselves. What if it is all a mistake and I am doomed to ever lasting punishment ? And now within the very jaws of death it is too late to repent, too late to retract. I must go on. I cannot stop the hand of time. I am being hurled mercilessly forward to the abyss of eternity. " Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you ; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." With a stifled cry I attempted to rise in the bed.

In a moment Alice had her arm round me and I had regained possession of my faculties. My physical powers were now at their lowest ebb ; I could almost feel the strength leaving my body as I trembled with the exhaustion caused by the frustrated movement Alice gave me a startled look, at which I tried to smile but found I could not. Surprised at my in ability to do so simple a thing, I closed my eyes in painful weariness. \\ hen I opened them again the nurses were in the room. The end was coming with unexpected rapidity. I could see it in their faces. Some one had apparently fetched the doctor, for he was standing by the bedside holding my hand. Per haps I had been dozing. I pressed his hand and could feel his responsive grasp. Ah, my dear Harry, if I could only speak and thank you for your faithful attachment, but I cannot utter a syllable.

Many a friendship would not have stood the test that yours underwent. Good-bye, old friend, this is the last time we shall see one another in this world. God bless you always ! He was looking at my wife and I could read his thoughts. This was the closing scene. The silence was intense and how dark it was. I could say nothing. Why did they not speak ? I looked helplessly at them. It would soon be all over. I had but a few mo ments to prepare for an eternal silence, or for an existence without an end where time is not. I was now about to unravel the mystery of death. Even then in my benumbed condition I was conscious of a feeling of exultation. In less than a minute I should be wiser than any person on the earth. Unhappy fate was mine that now I was to be severed from those I loved — from wife and child and the truest of friends.

Death is a leveller, it is said, but surely it is not so. To take me now from happiness in the prime of my manhood was not dealing me equal justice with that dealt to others. Death is inequitable and unkind. It is bitter and cold and lonely — oh, so lonely ! I shuddered as these final regrets for my unfortunate lot came to me. These thoughts had been mine before and I imagined I had successfully passed the stage that brought them. In these last precious moments when the utter hopeless ness of my position came home to me so forcibly the future was forgotten, and I was only regretting the present which was shutting me out for ever from those I loved, who were everything to me and whose loss made death so bitter. Not a word was spoken by those round my bed. The anguish depicted on their faces told me too well that words were useless.

And now my breath came in short gasps. I vainly tried to rise to regain some of the ebbing life. They did not notice my desire, for movement of any kind was impossible. I made one last desperate effort to speak. " Good-bye ! " I whispered and fell exhausted from the effects of the struggle. " My husband ! my love ! " cried Alice, as she gave me the last longing kiss whilst I lived. Another gasp and my limbs were rigid. I could not hear myself breathe. The silence was terrible. I looked at their stricken faces and a feeling of satisfied happiness came over me. Then I lay still. Harry placed my hand down on the bed, and looked at me intently as he rested his hand gently on my heart. " He is dead," he said. And the tears fell thickly from his sorrowful eyes.