Chapter XXIV
“Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure, If we're not to enjoyment awake; Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure, Deserve not the little they take.
I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring. And fitting and cutting by rules, And ----- me--dear me, I beg pardon for swearing, All that follow such fashions are fools.
For let who may be undone, I say Life in London, Of pleasure's the prop and the staff, That sets ev'ry muscle In a comical bustle And tickles one into a laugh.”
~~334~~~ The long protracted visit to Vauxhall being at length finally arranged, our party soon found themselves in the midst of this gay and fascinating scene of amusement.
“These charming gardens,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “which you may perhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, having lately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction and management, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificence perhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear to have studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well as their own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before the night is spent.”
“Right,” replied Sparkle, “I am not fond of far fetched descriptions, which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in the imagination of the author than in reality to exist.”
“At all events,” continued Tom, “the Gardens themselves are beautiful and extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefully illuminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never fail to be attractive.”
~~335~~~ Our heroes rushed forward to the splendid scene of enchantment, which had drawn forth the previous observations, mingling with the crowds of well dressed persons, who like themselves were upon the alert to witness this delightful place of summer amusement in the new form which it has recently assumed: the virandas tastefully festooned with painted canvass--the brilliantly illuminated orchestra, and the animated countenances of the company, conspired to produce an effect almost inconceivable, while new objects of delight were continually bursting upon their view. The illuminated colonade newly decorated with carved and painted flowers, fruit, and foliage, and Mr. Singleton's original whole length transparent portrait of his Majesty in his coronation robes, alternately attracted attention, as well as the four cosmoramas constructed in various parts of the gardens, consisting of some very pretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes in Switzerland, &c. In the musical department, Sparkle was much pleased to find some of the old favourites, particularly Mr. Charles Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well as with the performance of a Miss Graddon, who possesses a rich voice, with considerable power and flexibility, and of Madame Georgina, an East Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very charmingly in the Rotunda, accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a style which proved her to be a most skilful performer.
But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedly called “The Heptaplasiesoptron,” or fancy reflective proscenium, which is placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda. It is entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probability originated in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and the looking glass curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendid exhibition is fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents a fountain of real water illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees, serpents, foliage, and variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placed as to reflect each object seven times. This novelty appeared to excite universal admiration, inspiring the company with ideas of refreshing coolness. The bubbling of water, the waving of the foliage, and the seven times reflected effulgence of the lamps, gave the whole an appearance of enchantment, which sets all description at defiance.
~~336~~~ Having taken a complete circle through this round of delights, interrupted only by the congratulations and inquiries of friends, the appointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works arrived, when they were additionally gratified by a display of the most splendid description, and the famous ascent a la Saqui was admirably executed by Longuemarc; after witnessing which, they quickly retired to a box, where they gave directions for supper. It is but justice to say, that upon this being furnished, they found the refreshments to be of the best quality, and supplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the London Wine Company, and the viands by Mr. Wayte.
About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departure from this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure and delight.
On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell, with information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession to the estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without a will. This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to none more so than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situated in the neighbourhood of his own residence.
“Merrywell,” said Dashall, “will become a gay fellow now, as he will have ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never been wanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to any scheme to keep the game alive.”
“True,” said Sparkle, “without crossing and jostling, and if he has his own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choose an amiable partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolis occasionally; for to live in this land of temptations, where you can hardly step across the way without getting into error, must be baneful in effect to a young man like him, of an ardent mind. What say you, friend Tallyho?”
“I confess,” replied Bob, “that I entertain thoughts very similar to yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has had sufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation.”
~~337~~~ “Pshaw,” rejoined Dashall, “you are getting completely unfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in London--high life and low life--shake the castor, tip the flash, and nibble the blunt. Look for instance at young Lord Lappit--cares for nothing--all blood and spirit--fire and tow--up to every thing, and down as a hammer.”
“His is a general case,” replied Sparkle, “and is only one among numerous others, to prove that many of the disorders which are daily visible in high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the want of education of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shocking and insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school among common boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No, no,--he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to teach him nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not quite a fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost without reading, and at all events without knowing what they have written, merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons in existence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the public schools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes his thesis, translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well as he is able. In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of the frailties of the living, than he does of the instructions of departed characters. The family connections and the power of purse, with which the students are aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license, and to set at complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and it may be justly remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situated for the indulgence of their propensities: for instance, Westminster School is fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of a famous place of instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields, where every species of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners the most depraved, are constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy the great advantages of learning the slang language, and of hearing prime chaunts, rum glees, and kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang up style. He has likewise a fine opportunity of contracting an unalterable penchant for the frail sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting, bull and badger baiting, donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering, and other refined amusements, so necessary to form the character of an accomplished gentleman.”
~~338~~~ “Again, Harrow School is happily so near to the metropolis, as to afford frequent opportunities for occasional visits to similar scenes of contagion and fashionable dissipation, that the scholars do not fail to seek advantages of taking lessons in all those delectable sciences.
“Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery of improvement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is not necessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, and other fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstanding they are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there can scarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures to advantage, whenever they are let loose upon society.
“Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sporting notoriety, Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that a youth of an aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a race course--understanding betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling, sweating and training--know all the jockeys--how to give or take the odds--lay it on thick, and come it strong. Some have an unconquerable ambition to distinguish themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tip top style, and become proficients in buckish and sporting slang--to pitch it rum, and astonish the natives--up to the gab of the cad. They take upon themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yet noted for the appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with which they can manage the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves on driving the long coaches--'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dash along at full speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of your heads--never kill'd but one woman and a child in all my life--that's your sort.'”
“Fine pictures of a University Education,” said Tom, “but Sparkle always was a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to be said, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of the sports.”
“True,” continued Sparkle, “and, like many others, have had something like enjoyment in them too.”
“Aye, aye, no doubt of that,” said Bob, dryly,--“but how does it happen that you have omitted Oxford altogether?”
~~339~~~ “Nay,” said Sparkle, “there is not much difference in any of them. The students hate all learning but that which they acquire in the brothel, the ring, or the stable.
They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, and their vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothing more of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This, however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstanding there are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided, a nobleman or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles or riches, without any regard to the rules and regulations in such cases made and provided.
“From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughly accomplished in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make their appearance as exquisites or dandies--a sort of indescribable being, if being such things may be called. Others take the example of the bang ups--make themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talking flash, and mail coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive them into Abbot's preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check upon the sports--though if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is very soon down upon the coves his creditors,{1} bowls them out by harassing expenses, and walks out himself, up to snuff, and fly.”
1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses.--A proof of the power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a daily paper:--
An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors' Court, for having resisted particular creditors with vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the time clerk of the Court,) stated, that in a debtor's book he found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to harass creditors.' He had heard, he said, that it was sold from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d. each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book, from which the following extract was read,--it is extracted from the Parliamentary Report:--
'Law proceedings.--When arrested and held to bail, and after being served with a declaration, you may plead a general issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s., your plaintiff, 31L. as expenses. If you do not mean to try the cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book, which you must return with 7s. 6d. otherwise you will not put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple, and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney before the master, which puts him to a very great expense, as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. and your plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. or 6L.; and if he answers it, it will cost him 80L. more. After this you may file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L.; and if he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction, and at the same time an attachment from the court against him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not like to incur any further expense, after having been at so much.'
Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L. 10s. and all because the laws allowed him to sue for his own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court.'
~~341~~~ “I perceive,” said Tom, “that your imagination is flying away from your subject; though I admit the justice of your remarks, as generally applicable to what is termed the higher ranks of society, and that they are imitated or aped in succession to those of the lower orders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a long descriptive conversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of drawing inferences from actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile.”
“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, “I see you wish to change the subject: however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will think more seriously, and act more usefully.”
“Upon my life you are growing sentimental.” “Never mind,” said Bob, “keep your spirits up.”
“The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious The bliss and delight it contains; Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes, Except a few torments and pains.
Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting, Where each toper each care sweetly drowns; Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in, Except when we're cracking their crowns.”
By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, and taking their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner of which,--“there,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “that is the celebrated Lord Shampetre, of whose name and character you have before heard.”
“Indeed,” said Bob. “Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street, I should have supposed him to be an old clothesman.”
“Hush,” said Sparkle, “don't be too severe in your observations, for I have been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignation upon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledge it is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I mean popular characters, will force themselves into public notice by their follies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right to complain.”
~~342~~~ “And pray,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “where is one to be found who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question, and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable world is full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of a celebrated actress,{1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say
1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do better than give insertion to the following police report:--
PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER!
Bow Street.--An application was lately made for a warrant to apprehend Miss B., the sister of a celebrated actress, for stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers. The application was made by the mother of the accused, in consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, resting on the arm of a Mr. B., well known in the fashionable circles. Mr. C. a solicitor, appeared with the mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own, purchased with money given to her by her friends. In corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a conversation, in which Mrs. B. blamed her daughter for spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and were given up without the slightest objection when she applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the return of Miss B., had been lost sight of. Mr. B. then said, he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B. for the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. had sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P., who had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of Lord P.'s letters were then read, which abounded in vicious ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen. Miss B., then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up with Lord P. with her mother's knowledge, when indecent attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should have an allowance of 500L. a-year. The mother strongly denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only 16,) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable to both parties, Mr. B. to pay all the expenses.
Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the following by way of elucidation.
The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B.,' the gentleman under whose protection she is living, or rather was living, is a gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on his head.' The third party, 'Lord P.,' is a nobleman, whose chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is,-- what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing.' We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she accompanied Lord P. and her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's ennui.
~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except the quiz that his liberal offer of £500. would be about £25. per annum, or 9s. 7d. a week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and therefore a good bargain.”
“I believe,” continued Sparkle, “there is little about him, either as to person or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time, which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects.”
“Apropos,” said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, “do you observe a person on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult to ascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr. Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, and stable assistants; whose language and manners it is one of the principal studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being a good driver of four in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in a mail carriage, is the ne plus ultra of his ambition. He will take a journey of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive up a mail coach, paying for his own passage, and feeing the coachmen for their permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capes and mother o'pearl buttons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square, wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his glass of gin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the passengers to get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as much at home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, and every thing in the world.' He is, however, not singular in his taste, for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this class, save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent than any person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his fore teeth punched out, in order to enable the noble aspirant to give the true coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as to project the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, into the hedge on the near side of the road.”
“Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of a noble mind,” rejoined Tallyho.
“And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, of course,” continued Sparkle; “and as I have not had a lounge in these Corinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnished with a key to characters that may be new to me.”
“There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as he has made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentleman whose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated Sir George Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at the Opera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinary affectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, the chief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-green coat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time become a dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew; and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from which is suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardly attacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at this moment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way of defaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has been displayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances. His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he was called the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity of wearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to act at all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keep moving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said, that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Man and Still.'”{1}
1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a pubic-house in Oxford Road.
~~345~~~ “Why,” cried Bob, “there seems to be as little of still life about him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who is that dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, and who appeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the opposite side--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor.”
“That,” replied Tom, “is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsome daughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a complete termagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib for a sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediately after flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a penchant for her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; and having seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she made her appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, and in the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of never transgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission would be allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without her host,--for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to her proposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and the deserted though still cara sposa, has kept the portals of his door, as well as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since.”
At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressed young man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a hearty shake, exclaimed,--
“Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you are there too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--going any where--or any thing to do--eh--d------me.”
“Quite ad libitum,” replied Dashall, “happy to see Gayfield well and in prime twig,--allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq.”
“You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new--can't live without novelty--who's up, who's down--what's the wonder of the day--how does the world wag--where is the haven of destination, and how do you weather the point.”
~~346~~~ “Zounds,” replied Tom, “you ask more questions in a breath than we three can answer in an hour.”
“Never mind--don't want you to answer; but at all events must have something to say--hate idleness either in speech or action--hate talking in the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a statue. Talking of statues--I have it--good thought, go see Achilles, the ladies man--eh! what say you. D------me, made of cannons and other combustibles--Waterloo to wit--Come along, quite a bore to stand still--yea or nay, can't wait.”
“With all my heart,” said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, “it is quite new since my departure from town; “and joining arms, they proceeded towards the Park.
“Been out of town,” continued Gayfield,--“thought so--lost you all at once--glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in the country--always inquire--can't live without novelty--go to see every thing and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers--Irish distresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can you live in the country--can't imagine.”
“And I apprehend,” replied Sparkle, “it will be of little use to explain; for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must know every thing.”
“Good, but severe--never mind, I never trouble my head with other people's thoughts--always think for myself, let others do as they like. Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. Never ask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen the celebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre,--the Egyptian Tomb,--the------”
Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlasting prater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, or even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation to laugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob.
~~347~~~ “What is the matter,” inquired Gayfield, unconscious of being the cause of their risibility. “I see nothing to laugh at, d------me, but I do love laughing, so I'll enjoy a little with you at all events; “and immediately he became a participator in their mirth, to the inexpressible delight of his companions; “but,” continued he, “I see nothing to laugh at, and it is beneath the character of a philosopher to laugh at any thing.”
“Never mind,” said Dashall, “we are not of that description--and we sometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the present instance.”
“I perfectly agree with the observation,” rejoined Sparkle; “it is a case in point, and very well pointed too.”
“Nothing could be better timed,” said Tallyho.
“What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D------d vulgar really---quite outre, as we say. No, no, you ought to consider where you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a good motive--what is the use of laughing.”
“A philosopher,” said Tom Dashall, “need scarcely ask such a question. The superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer.”
“Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to be informed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us.”
“And at least,” said Sparkle, “that is better than nothing.”
The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, who produced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discovered the diamond ring upon his finger--pulled up his shirt collar--and at the same time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by such means he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost upon his companions.
“And this,” said Sparkle, “is the so much talked of statue of Achilles--The Wellington Trophy--it is placed in a very conspicuous situation, however--and what says the pedestal--
TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, CAST FROM CANNON TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO IS INSCRIBED BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN.
~~348~~~ “Beautiful,” said Gayfield--“Elegant--superb.” “Bold,” said Dashall, “but not very delicate.” “A naked figure, truly,” continued Bob, “in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and fashion, is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of modesty or propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they were originally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if not the artist.”
“For my part,” said Sparkle, “I see but little in it to admire.”
During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with his quizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing to be highly amused and delighted.
“It affords opportunities for a variety of observations,” said Dashall, “and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. The public prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and I know of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other.”{1}
1 In all probability the following remarks will be sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much talked of statue:--
Kensington Gardens and the Park.--From three to seven o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an over-How with the élite of the fashionable world. The infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed there.
There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the 'Wellington promenade,' it was altogether neglected. Whether it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by some of these good folks upon this giant exotic--this Greek prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the like!'--'Come along, Martha, love,' rejoined her scarlet- faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!--I wonder they pulled the tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready.' 'What a great green monster of a man it is,' exclaimed a meagre elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband--'Do na ye think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!' replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away. 'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss--little girls must not ask questions about them sort of things.' 'Be th' powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they walked round till they got to sunward of it.' Be th' powers, but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to be straddling up there without a shirt--is it Dennis?' 'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o' this kind, ye see.' ''Faith, and what do they call it?' asked the other. 'Is it--what do they call it?' re-joined Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag--'Why they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses,' as the German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses of the thing may view it with other eyes.
~~349~~~ On their return from the Park, our party looked in at Tattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. Dashall and his Cousin had previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy a day's sport, and were so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a considerable sum, by taking the long odds against a favourite horse. They therefore expected now to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of the poet, by “uniting profit and delight in one.”
“Yonder,” says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, “is H. R. H.; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at the late, as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished at play, with heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a rich harvest. The consequences have been, not only the sale of the fine estate of O--t--ds by the hammer, but even the family plate and personal property have been knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins's Rooms.”
“I should have expected,” replied Bob, “that so much fatal experience, which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a useful lesson, and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent.”
~~350~~~ “Psha, man,” continued his Cousin, “you are a novice indeed to suppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated in these mysteries, can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the powerful spell which binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this fatal passion seems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: indeed it may be said there are comparatively but few of the great families who are not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating towards it, in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice.”
THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1}
Air--'Oh, the Sight entrancing.' Oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing,{2} Without a shirt Or Highland skirt,{3} “Where ladies' eyes are glancing:
1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man,' is merely out of compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their expulsion from Eden.
2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste, discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude, still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable share of popularity.
3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!--It is really entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity (much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles among them, and made him join his regiment.
Each widow's heart is throbbing, Each married lady sobbing, While little miss Would fain a kiss Be from Achilles robbing!' Then, oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, Or breeches made of leather, That gave delight, By day or night, Or draw fair crowds together.{2} Let those wear clothes who need e'm; Adorn but max with freedom,{3} Then, light or dark, They'll range the Park, And follow where you lead 'em. For, oh, the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting subject during the present week, we are quite sure our readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, or even faintly delineated it.
2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c. have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex together--at a grand review, for instance.
3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty--not licentiousness.
~~352~~~ Having succeeded in their object, Dashall and his Cousin pursued their course homeward; and thus terminated another day spent in the developement of Real Life in the British Metropolis.
But still the muse beseeches If this epistle reaches Achilles bold, In winter cold, That he would wear his breeches:{1} For though in sultry weather, He needs not cloth nor leather, Yet frosts may mar What's safe in war,{2] And ruin all together.
But still the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing.
1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, nay, kind--that the ladies will be equally kind and considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation in which he is placed.
2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable. Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a twinkling.
We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtues of the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seen in the Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, the Marchioness of C-----m's delicacy is so shocked, that she intends to quit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more modest site can be chosen!
Chapter XXV
Lack a day! what a gay What a wonderful great town! In each street, thousands meet, All parading up and down. Crossing--jostling--strutting--running, Hither--thither--going--coming; Hurry--scurry--pushing--driving, Ever something new contriving. Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown.
~~353~~~ Escorting to the ever-varying promenade of fashion, the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted investigation of Life in London was now drawing to a close, proceeded this morning to amuse themselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this arcadia of dignified equality was thronged, the carriage-way with dashing equipages, and the pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged and whiskered; there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, like an Amazon, shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then “passed smiling by” a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe shallow. A noted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, whom the day before she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The gentleman with the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on a thorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted along with dusty shoes and coat; the “lady of easy virtue” stared her keeper's wife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, en passant, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped and minced his words quite as well as my lord.
Tom pointed out some of the more dashing exhibitants; and Bob inquiring the name of a fine woman, rather en bon point, with a French face, who was mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen in the haunts ~~354~~~ of fashion--“That lady,” said he, “goes by the name of Speculator; her real name is Mademoiselle Leverd, of the Theatre Français at Paris: she arrived in this country a month since, to “have an opportunity of displaying her superior talents; though it is whispered that the object of her journey was not altogether in the pursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making an important conquest.”
“And who is that charming woman,” continued Bob, “in the curricle next to L------d F------?”
“That,” returned Tom, “is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man next you, is the “commercial dandy,” or as Lord G----l styles him, Apollo; and his Lordship is a veracious man, on which account R------ calls G------ his lyre.”
“Ah, do you see that dashing fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended by a lad with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M------,who doubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of his decoys, to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, and be fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving £100. for every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his country banker.”
“Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. There is the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingers the ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to the wight who incurs the lash of either.
“That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, who squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, is Parson A------. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming iniquity, at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B------re, by whom he was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with church preferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, the celebrated singer, Miss M--h--n, whom he abandoned, with his infant family. This lady found a protector for herself and children in the person of the Rev. Mr. P------s, and having since obtained a divorce from her former husband, has been married to him. The parson boasts of his numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of the act. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the Gothic Hall, with F------r T------n, Mr. Charles S------, and Lord D------, he used to frequent the most notorious g------g houses, ~~355~~~ occasionally picking up a half crown as the pigeons were knocked down by the more wealthy players. But, chousing his colleagues out of their shares, and getting the Gothic Hall into his own hands, he has become the great man you see, and may truly be called by the title of autocrat of all the Greeks.
“And who,” inquired Bob, “is that gay careless young fellow in the Stanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?”
“That,” replied Tom, “is the Hon. and Rev. Fitz S------, with the best heart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is really one of the most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, the best judge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a segar in Maiden Lane.”
“You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskers and florid complexion. (The Earl of Y------, of course). Madame B. tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. His Lordship had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B. to know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lordship, when she returned--'Fifty pounds,' she replied.--'Hem!' said his lordship, 'I will wait till next year, and can have her for five-and-twenty.'”
“By this hand, another female equestrian de figure.' That tall young woman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P------, sister of Lord U------. They say, that she has manifested certain pawnbroking inclinations, and has shewn a partiality in partnership at Almack's, to the golden balls. “That fine young woman, leaning out of the carriage window, whose glossy ringlets are of the true golden colour, so much admired by the dandies of old Rome, is his Lordship's wife. He's not with her. But you know he shot Honey at Cumberland Gate, when he was two hundred miles off, and therefore he may be in the carriage, though he's away.
“The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pair of horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle ever condescended to engage in.”
“And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and the groom in grey?”
~~356~~~ “What, you're not up to the change of colour? That's our old friend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, (if I mistake not), a visit to Berkeley square. His R------ H------ must take good care, or that bit of blood will be seized while standing at the door of the Circe, as his carriage was the other day, by the unceremonious nabman. But that's nothing to what used to occur to the Marquis of W------. They say, that if he deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, a hand and arm, like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen to introduce itself bon-gre, mal-gre, through the casement, and instantly they became 'scarce.'”
“But I have heard,” said Bob, “of a fashionable nabman asking the Duke the time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible.”
The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, and Tom and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes in Covent Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directed their steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amusement from the proceedings of justice in the principal office on the establishment of the metropolitan police, and in this anticipation they were not disappointed.{1}
1 More Life in St. Giles's.--Mr. Daniel Sullivan, of Tottenham Court Road, green-grocer, fruiterer, coal and potatoe merchant, salt lish and Irish pork-monger, was brought before the magistrate on a peace-warrant, issued at the suit of his wife, Mrs. Mary Sullivan. Mrs. Sullivan is an Englishwoman, who married Mr. Sullivan for love, and has been “blessed with many children by him.” But notwithstanding she appeared before the magistrate with her face all scratched and bruised, from the eyes downward to the tip of her chin; all which scratches and bruises, she said, were the handy-work of her husband.
The unfortunate Mary, it appeared, married Mr. Sullivau about seven years ago; at which time he was as polite a young Irishman as ever handled a potatoe on this side the Channel; he had every thing snug and comfortable about him, and his purse and his person, taken together, were “ondeniable.” She herself was a young woman genteely brought up--abounding in friends and acquaintance, and silk gowns, with three good bonnets always in use, and black velvet shoes to correspond. Welcome wherever she went, whether to dinner, tea, or supper, and made much of by every body. St. Giles' bells rang merrily at their wedding--a fine fat leg of mutton and capers, plenty of pickled salmon, three ample dishes of salt fish and potatoes, with pies, pudding and porter of the best, were set forth for the bridal supper; all the most “considerablest” families in Dyott Street and Church Lane, were invited, and every thing promised a world of happiness--and for five long years they were happy. She loved, as Lord Byron would say, “she loved and was beloved; she adored and she was worshipped;” but Mr. Sullivau was too much like the hero of the Lordship's tale--his affections could not “hold the bent,” and the sixth year had scarcely commenced, when poor Mary discovered that she had “outlived his liking.” From that time to the present he had treated her continually with the greatest cruelty; and, at last, when by this means he had reduced her from a comely young person to a mere handful of a poor creature, he beat her, and turned her out of doors.
This was Mrs. Sullivan's story; and she told it with such pathos, that all who heard it pitied her, except her husband.
It was now Mr. Sullivan's turn to speak. Whilst his wife was speaking, he had stood with his back towards her, his arms folded across his breast to keep down his choler; biting his lips and staring at the blank wall; but the moment she had ceased, he abruptly turned round, and, curiously enough, asked the magistrate whether Mistress Sullivau had done spaking.
“She has,” replied his worship; “but suppose you ask her whether she has any thing more to say.”
“I shall, Sir!” exclaimed the angry Mr. Sullivan. “Mistress Sullivan, had you any more of it to say '!”
Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyes to the ceiling, clasped her hands together, and was silent.
“Very well, then,” he continued, “will I get lave to spake, your Honour?”
His Honour nodded permission, and Mr. Sullivan immediately began a defence, to which it is impossible to do justice; so exuberantly did he suit the action to the word, and the word to the action. “Och! your Honour, there is something the matter with me!” he began; at the same time putting two of his fingers perpendicularly over his forehead, to intimate that Mrs. Sullivan played him false. He then went into a long story about a “Misther Burke,” who lodged in his house, and had taken the liberty of assisting him in his conjugal duties, “without any lave from him at all at all.” It was one night in partickler, he said, that he went to bed betimes in the little back parlour, quite entirely sick with the head-ache. Misther Burke was out from home, and when the shop was shut up, Mrs. Sullivan went out too; but he didn't much care for that, ounly he thought she might as well have staid at home, and so he couldn't go to sleep for thinking of it. “Well, at one o'clock in the morning,” he continued, lower-ing his voice into a sort of loud whisper; “at one o'clock in the morn-ing Misther Burke lets himself in with the key that he had, and goes up to bed--and I thought nothing at all; but presently I hears something come tap, tap, tap, at the street door. The minute after comes down Misther Burke, and opens the door, and sure it was Mary-- Mistress Sullivan that is, more's the pity--and devil a bit she came to see after me at all in the little back parlour, but up stairs she goes after Misther Burke. Och! says 1, but there's some-thing the matter with me this night! and I got up with the night-cap o' th' head of me, and went into the shop to see for a knife, but I couldn't get one by no manes. So I creeps up stairs, step by step, step by step,” (here Mr. Sullivan walked on tiptoe all across the office, to show the magistrate how quietly he went up the stairs), “and when I gets to the top I sees 'em, by the gash (gas) coming through the chink in the window curtains; I sees 'em, and 'Och, Mistress Sullivan!' says he: and 'Och, Misther Burke,' says she:--and och! botheration, says I to myself, and what shall I do now?” We cannot follow Mr. Sullivan any farther in the detail of his melancholy affair; it is sufficient that he saw enough to convince him that he was dishonoured: that, by some accident or other, he disturbed the guilty pair, whereupon Mrs. Sullivan crept under Mr. Burke's bed, to hide herself; that Mr. Sullivan rushed into the room, and dragged her from under the bed, by her “wicked leg;” and that he felt about the round table in the corner, where Mr. Burke kept his bread and cheese, in the hope of finding a knife.
“And what would you have done with it, if you had found it?” asked his worship.
“Is it what I would have done with it, your honour asks?” exclaimed Mr. Sullivan, almost choked with rage--“Is it what I would have done with it?--ounly that I'd have digged it into the heart of 'em at the same time!” As he said this, he threw himself into an attitude of wild desperation, and made a tremendous lunge, as if in the very act of slaughter.
To make short of a long story, he did not find the knife; Mr. Burke barricadoed himself in his room, and Mr. Sullivan turned his wife out of doors.
The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace towards his wife and all the King's subjects, and told him, that if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than the knife.
There not being any other case of interest, Tom and Bob left the office, not, however, without a feeling of commiseration for Mr. Sullivan, whose frail rib and her companion in iniquity, now that the tables were turned against them by the injured husband's “plain unvarnished tale,” experienced a due share of reprobation from the auditory.
~~558~~~ Pursuing their course homeward through St. James'-square: “Who have we here?” exclaimed Tom; “as I live, no other than the lofty Honoria, an authoress, a wit and an eccentric; a combination of qualities which frequently contribute to convey the possessor to a garret, and thence to an hospital or poor house. It is not uncommon to find attic salt in the first floor from heaven, but rather difficult to find the occupier enabled to procure salt whereby to render porridge palateable. The lady Honoria, who has just passed, resides in a lodging in Mary-le-bone. She having mistaken stature for beauty, and attitude for greatness, a tune on her lute for fascination, a few strange opinions and out of the way sayings for genius, a masculine appearance for attraction, and bulk for irresistibility, came on a cruise to London with a view to call at C------House, where she conceived she might be treated like a Princess.
“She fondly fancied that a certain dignified personage who relieved her distress, could not but be captivated with the very description of her; in consequence of which, she launched into expenses which she was but ill able to bear, and now complains of designs formed against her and of all sorts of fabulous nonsense. It must, however, be acknowledged, that an extraordinary taste for fat, has been a great som-ce of inconvenience to the illustrious character alluded to, for corpulent women have been in the habit of daily throwing themselves in his way under some pretence or other; and if he but looked at them, they have considered themselves as favourites, and in the high road to riches and fame.
“It is well known that a certain French woman, with long flowing black hair, who lived not an hundred miles from Pimlico, was one who fell into this error. Her weight is about sixteen stone--and on that account she sets herself down as this illustrious person's mistress; nay, because he saw her once, she took expensive lodgings, ran deeply in debt, and now abuses the great man because he has not provided for her in a princely style, “pour se beaux yeux;” for it must be admitted, that she can boast as fine a pair of black eyes as ever were seen. The circumstance of this taste for materialism, is as unfortunate to the possessor, as a convulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was never without being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked down to him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings at these places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay for peeping, just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to make the rich gentleman pay for his nodding at them.”
“Fat, fair, and forty, then,” said Sparkle, “does not appear to be forgotten.”
~~360~~~ “No,” was the reply, “nor is it likely: the wits of London are seldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for instance the following lines:--
“When first I met thee, FAT and fair, With forty charms about thee, A widow brisk and debonair, How could I live without thee.
Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied, It made me still the fonder, I swore though false to all beside, From thee I'd never wander.
But old Fitzy now, Thou'rt only fit to tease me, And C----------M I vow, Has learn't the art to please me.”
By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashall directed the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side of the street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air.
“That,” said he, “is a new species of character, if it may properly be so termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir Edward Knowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable class of persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds with geometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive finery of dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all times wears a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes care to decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries.
“The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned by the braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell, and partly by the pride of wealth and rank.
“There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one to imagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have depended upon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserably deceived; for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so your philosophic coxcomb's apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to cover his stupidity.
“Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, or pretends to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservient to his health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions of aspect not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are ever selfish, and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch, or perhaps by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are in distress, Sir Edward hears your tale with the most stoical indifference, and he contemplates your happiness with an equal degree of apathy--a sort of Epictetus, who can witness the miseries of a brother without agony or sympathy, and mark the elevation of a friend without one sentiment of congratulation: wrapt up in self, he banishes all feeling for others.
~~361~~~ “This philosopher has a great number of imitators--perhaps not less than one thousand philosophic coxcombs visit London annually; and if Sir Edward were to die, they might all with great propriety lay claim to a participation in the property he might leave behind him, as near relations to the family of the Knowells. These gentlemen violate all the moral duties of life with impunity: they are shameless, irreligious, and so insignificant, that they seem to consider themselves born for no useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such perfect blanks in the creation, that were they transported to some other place, the community would never miss them, except by the diminution of follies and vices. Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse their contagious effluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are forgotten for ever.”
“Whip me such fellows through the world,” exclaimed Sparkle, “I have no relish for them.”
On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servant had been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters having arrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellent reasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents, the party immediately returned to Piccadilly.
Chapter XXVI
“-----Mark the change at very first vacation, She's scarcely known to father or relation. No longer now in vesture neat and tight, Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite. But crop't--a bosom bare, her charms explode, Her shape, the tout ensemble a-la-mode. Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late? This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate. What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench, You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French; Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste, And wear their bosoms naked to the waist, D'ye think you shall--No, no, I loathe such ways, Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays.”
~~362~~~ The morning arose with smiles and sunshine, which appeared almost to invite our party earlier than they intended to the enjoyments of a plan which had occupied their attention on the previous evening, when Sparkle proposed a ride, which being consented to, the horses were prepared, and they were quickly on the road.
Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall, that he could not help thinking that the manners and information of the rising generation ought to be greatly improved.
“And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?” was the reply.
“Why certainly,” continued Sparkle, “if the increase of public schools round the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met my eye during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence that education is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. Yet I question whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, as to require such a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the market overstocked with these heads of seminaries, similar to the republic of letters, which is overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakers and books.”
~~363~~~ “This remark,” replied Tom, “might almost as well be made upon every trade and profession which is followed; in the present day there are so many in each, that a livelihood can scarcely be obtained, and a universal grumbling is the consequence.”
“Well,” said Bob, “I can with safety say there are but two trades or callings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which I have discovered no rivalship.”
This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his two friends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded.
“I mean,” continued he, “the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequently to be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity of voice as singular as the article he has for sale,--'Buy my doll's bedsteads;'--and the other, a well known whistler, whom you must both have heard.”
“Egad you are right,” replied Sparkle; “and although I recollect them both, I must confess the observation now made has never so forcibly struck me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your time in town without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor the circumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and although the introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previous remarks, and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has some reference, and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But I was about to consider what can be the causes for this extraordinary host of ladies of all ages, classes and colours, from the Honourable Mistress------to the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment for the education of young ladies in a superior style; and whether in consequence of this legion of fair labourers in learning and science, our countrywomen (for I am adverting particularly to the softer sex) are chaster, wiser, and better, than their mammas and grand-mammas.”
“A most interesting subject, truly,” replied Tom, “and well worthy of close investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase of tutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion of knowledge.”
~~364~~~ “There can be no doubt of it,” continued Sparkle, “and some of those causes are odd enough--very opposite to wisdom, and not more conducive to improvement; for amongst them you will find pride, poverty, and idleness.
“For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeper in the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of a chandler's shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished.
“E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent, Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent, Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write, And grace his table with a wit polite. To make for father's sense a reparation-- The day arrives for fatal separation; When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe, And goes to boarding-school--at Pimlico.”
“Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, and ornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up to domestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmetic necessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is the consequence?--the change in her education quite unfits Miss for her station in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa--and Ma--as persons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is looking up with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably an officer); and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without the consent of her parents on a visit to the church.''
“You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles,” said Dashall; “though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instances in which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct to which you allude.”
“Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education should not have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she really has prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares of ambition; Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife, and she must either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacher at a school, or be set up as the Minerva of an evening school--half educated herself, and exposed in every situation for which she is conceived to be fitted, to numerous temptations, betwixt the teachers of waltzes and quadrilles--the one horse chaise dancing-masters--the lax-moraled foreign music-master--or the dashing Pa--of her young pupils (perhaps a Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice as of circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in the way of poor Miss So and So's path through life--all originating from pride.”
~~365~~~ “Well,” said Bob, “since you have been amusing us with this description, I have counted not less than eight seminaries, establishments, and preparatory schools.”
“I do not doubt it,” continued Sparkle; “and some of them on the meanest scale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they are introduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters, not unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as 'Mesdames Puerdon's Seminary,' the lady's real name being Martha (or, if you please, Patty) Purton, and a deformed relative completing the Mesdames: the 'Misses de la Porte,' (whom nature had made simple Porter), and no great catch to obtain either: the 'Misses Cox's preparatory school for young gentlemen of an early age,' all seem to bespeak the poverty, false pride, and affectation of the owners. Notwithstanding the fine denominations given to some of these learned institutions, such as 'Bellevue Seminary'--'Montpeliere House'--'Bel Retiro Boarding School,' &c. &c.
“To such artifices as these are two classes of females compelled to resort, namely, reduced gentlewomen and exalted tradesmen's daughters, who disdain commerce, and hate the homely station which dame nature had originally intended them to move in. Such ladies (either by birth or adoption) prefer the twig to the distaff, the study to the shop, and experience more pleasure in walking out airing with their pupils, taking their station in the front, frequently gaudily and indiscreetly dressed, than to be confined to the counter, or the domestic occupations of the good old English housewife of former times.
“Such ladies are frequently to be met with on all the Greens and Commons, from dirty Stepney or Bethnal, to the more sumptuous Clapham or Willisdon. Some of them are so occupied with self, that the random-shot glances of their pupils at the exquisites and the dandy militaires about town, do not come within the range of their notice, while others are more vigilant, but often heave a sigh at the thought that the gay and gallant Captain should prefer the ruddy daughter of a cheese-monger, to the reduced sprigs of gentility which they consider themselves.
~~366~~~ “At all events, many of these ladies,and worthy ones too, are placed, par force of poverty, in this avocation, unsuited to their abilities, their hearts, their habits, or their former expectations. The government of their young flock is odious to them, and although they may go through the duties of their situation with apparent patience, it is in fact a drudgery almost insupportable; and the objects nearest the governess's heart--are the arrival of the vacation, the entrance-money, the quarter's schooling, and a lengthy list of items: the arrival of Black Monday, or a cessation of holidays, brings depressed spirits, and she returns to her occupation, deploring her unlucky stars which placed her in so laborious a situation--envies her cousin Sarah, who has caught a minor in her net; nay even perhaps would be happy to exchange circumstances with the thoughtless Miss Skipwell, who has run away with her dancing-master, or ruined a young clergyman, of a serious turn, by addressing love-letters to him, copied from the most romantic novels, which have softened his heart into matrimony, and made genteel beggars of the reverend mistress, himself, and a numerous offspring.”
“Very agreeable, indeed,” cried Dashall.
“Perhaps not,” said Tallyho, interrupting him, “to the parties described.”
“You mistake me,” was the reply; “I meant the combination of air and exercise with the excellent descriptions of our friend Sparkle, who by the way has not yet done with the subject.”
“I am aware of it,” continued Sparkle, “for there is one part which I mentioned at the outset, which may with great propriety be added in the way of elucidation--I mean Idleness: it is the third, and shall for the present be the last subject of our consideration, and even this has contributed its fair proportion of teachers to the world. Miss Mel ta way, the daughter of a tallow-chandler, who ruined himself by dressing extravagantly his wife, and over educating his dear Caroline Matilda, in consequence of which he failed, and shortly afterwards left the world altogether,--was brought up in the straw line; but this was no solid trade, and could not be relied upon: however, she plays upon the harp and the guitar. What advantages! yet she also failed in the straw-hat line, and therefore Idleness prefers becoming an assistant teacher and music mistress, to taking to any more laborious, even though more productive mode of obtaining a livelihood.
~~367~~~ “Then Miss Nugent has a few hundred pounds, the remnant of Pa's gleanings (Pa having been the retired butler of a Pigeoned Peer.) A retail bookseller sought her hand in marriage, but she thought him quite a vulgar fellow. He had no taste for waltzing, at which she was considered to excel--he blamed her indulgence in such pleasures, and ventured to hint something about a pudding. Then again, he can't speak French, and dresses in dittoes. Now all this is really barbarous, and consequently Miss Nugent spurns the idea of such a connection.
“Let us trace her still further. In a short time she is addressed by a Captain Kirkpatrick Tyrconnel, who makes his approaches with a splendid equipage. The romantic sound of the former, and the glare of the latter, attract her attention. The title of Captain, however, is merely a nom de guerre, for he is only an ensign on half-pay. Miss is delighted with his attentions: he is a charming fellow, highly accomplished, for he sings duets, waltzes admirably, plays the German flute, and interlards his conversation with scraps of French and Spanish. Altogether he is truly irresistible, and she is willing to lay her person and her few hundreds at the feet of the conquerer. The day is appointed, and every preparation made for the nuptial ceremony; when ah! who can foresee,
“The various turns of fate below.”
An athletic Hibernian wife, formerly the widow of Dennis O'Drumball, steps in between the young lady and the hymeneal altar, and claims the Captain as her husband--she being the landlady of a country ale-house where he had been quartered, whom he had married by way of discharging his bill. The interposition is fortunate, because it saves the Captain from an involuntary trip to Botany Bay, and Miss from an alliance of a bigamical kind; though it has at the same time proved a severe disappointment to the young lady.
“Crossed in love--wounded in the most tender part--she forswears the hymeneal tie; and under such unfortunate circumstances she opens a Seminary, to which she devotes the remainder of her life.”
~~368~~~ “Pray,” said Bob, whose eyes were as open as his ears, “did you notice that shining black board, with preposterous large gold letters, announcing 'Miss Smallgood's establishment for Young Ladies,' and close alongside of it another, informing the passenger,--' That man-traps were placed in the premises.'”
“I did,” said Sparkle--“but I do not think that, though somewhat curious, the most remarkable or strange association. Young ladies educated on an improved plan, and man-traps advertised in order to create terror and dismay! For connected with this method of announcing places of education, is a recollection of receptacles of another nature.”
“To what do you allude?” inquired Tallyho. “Why, in many instances, private mad-houses are disguised as boarding schools, under the designation of 'Establishment.' Many of these receptacles in the vicinity of the metropolis, are rendered subservient to the very worst of purposes, though originally intended for the safety of the individual, as well as the security of the public against the commission of acts, which are too frequently to be deplored as the effect of insanity. Of all the houses of mourning, that to which poor unhappy mortals are sent under mental derangement is decidedly the most gloomy. The idea strikes the imagination with horror, which is considerably increased by a reflection on the numerous human victims that are incarcerated within their walls, the discipline they are subjected to, and the usual pecuniary success which attends the keepers of such establishments,--where the continuance of the patient is the chief source of interest, rather than the recovery. That they are useful in some cases cannot be denied, but there are many instances too well authenticated to be doubted, where persons desirous of getting rid of aged and infirm relatives, particularly if they manifested any little aberration of mind (as is common in advanced age), have consigned them to these receptacles, from which, through the supposed kindness of their friends, and the management of the proprietors, they have never returned. If the parties ail nothing, they are soon driven to insanity by ill usage, association with unfortunates confined like themselves, vexation at the treatment, and absolute despair of escape; or if partially or slightly afflicted, the lucid intervals are prevented, and the disorder by these means is increased and confirmed by coercion, irritation of mind, and despair.”
~~369~~~ “This is a deplorable picture of the state of things, indeed,” said Tallyho.
“But it is unvarnished,” was the reply; “the picture requires no imaginary embellishment, since it has its foundation in truth. Then again, contrast the situation of the confined with the confinera. The relatives have an interest in the care of the person, and a control over the property, which in cases of death frequently becomes their own. The keepers of these receptacles have also an interest in keeping the relatives in a disposition to forward all their views of retaining the patient, who, under the representation of being seriously deranged, is not believed; consequently all is delusion, but the advantages which ultimately fall to the tender-hearted relative, or the more artful proprietor of the mad-house; and it is wonderful what immense fortunes are made by the latter; nay not only by the proprietors, but even the menials in their employ, many of whom have been known to retire independent, a circumstance which clearly proves, that by some means or other they must have possessed themselves of the care of the property, as well as that of the persons of their unfortunate victims.”
“This is a dull subject,” said Dashall, “though I confess that some exposures which have been made fully justify your observations; but I am not fond of looking at such gloomy pictures of Real Life.”
“True,” replied Sparkle; “but it connects itself with the object you have had in view; and though I know there are many who possess souls of sensibility, and who would shrink from the contemplation of so much suffering humanity, it is still desirable they should know the effects produced almost by inconceivable causes. I know people in general avoid the contemplation, as well as fly from the abodes of misery, contenting themselves by sending pecuniary assistance. But unfortunately there are a number of things that wear a similarity of appearance, yet are so unlike in essence and reality, that they are frequently mistaken by the credulous and unwary, who become dupes, merely because they are not eye witnesses of the facts. But if the subject is dull, let us push forward, take a gallop over Hampstead Heath, and return.”
~~370~~~ “With all my heart,” cried Dashall, giving a spur to his horse, and away they went.
The day was delightfully fine; the appearance of the country banished all gloomy thoughts from their minds; and after a most agreeable ride, they returned to Piccadilly, where finding dinner ready, they spent the remainder of the evening in the utmost hilarity, and the mutual interchange of amusing and interesting conversation, principally relative to Sparkle's friends in the country, and their arrangements for the remainder of their time during their stay in the metropolis.
Chapter XXVII
“E'en mighty monarchs may at times unbend, And sink the dull superior in the friend. The jaded scholar his lov'd closet quits, To chat with folks below, and save his wits: Peeps at the world awhile, with curious look. Then flies again with pleasure to his book. The tradesman hastes away from Care's rude gripe, To meet the neighbouring club and smoke his pipe. All this is well, in decent bounds restrained, No health is injured, and no mind is pain'd. But constant travels in the paths of joy, Yield no delights but what in time must cloy; Though novelty spread all its charms to view, And men with eagerness those charms pursue; One truth is clear, that by too frequent use, They early death or mis'ry may produce.”
~~371~~~ THE post of the following morning brought information for Dashall and his friends, and no time was lost in breaking open the seals of letters which excited the most pleasing anticipations. A dead silence prevailed for a few minutes, when, rising almost simultaneously, expressions of satisfaction and delight were interchanged at the intelligence received.
Merry well's success had proved more than commensurate with his most sanguine expectations. He had arrived at the residence of his dying relative, just time enough to witness his departure from this sublunary sphere, and hear him with his expiring breath say,--“All is thine;” and a letter to each of his former friends announced the pleasure and the happiness he should experience by an early visit to his estate, declaring his determination to settle in the country, and no more become a rambler in the labyrinths of London.
This was a moment of unexpected, though hoped for gratification. Sparkle applauded the plan he intended to pursue.
Tallyho confessed himself tired of this world of wonders, and appeared to be actuated by a similar feeling: he conceived he had seen enough of the Life of a Rover, and seemed to sigh for his native plains again.
~~372~~~ Dashall's relish for novelty in London was almost subdued; and after comparing notes together for a short time, it was mutually agreed that they would dine quietly at home, and digest a plan for future proceedings.
“Never,” said Tom, “did I feel so strong an inclination to forego the fascinating charms of a London Life as at the present moment; and whether I renounce it altogether or not, we will certainly pay a congratulatory visit to Merry well.”
“Example,” said Sparkle, endeavouring to encourage the feeling with which his friend's last sentiment was expressed, “is at all times better than precept; and retirement to domestic felicity is preferable to revelry in splendid scenes of dissipation, which generally leads to premature dissolution.”
“Agreed,” said Tom; “and happy is the man who, like yourself, has more than self to think for.--Blest with a lovely and amiable wife, and an ample fortune, no man upon earth can have a better chance of gliding down the stream of life, surrounded by all the enjoyments it can afford--while I------”
“Oh, what a lost mutton am I!”
Sparkle could scarcely forbear laughing at his friend, though he was unable to discover whether he was speaking seriously or ironically; he therefore determined to rally him a little.
“How,” said he, “why you are growing serious and sentimental all at once: what can be the cause of this change of opinion so suddenly?”
“My views of life,” replied Dashall, “have been sufficient to convince me that a Like in London is the high road to Death. I have, however, tried its vagaries in all companies, in all quarters; and, as the Song says,
“Having sown my wild oats in my youthful days, I wish to live happily now they are done.”
By this time Sparkle was convinced that Dashall was speaking the real sentiments of his mind, and congratulated him upon them.
~~373~~~ Tallyho expressed himself highly delighted with the information he had acquired during his stay in London, but could not help at the same time acknowledging, that he had no wish to continue in the same course much longer: it was therefore agreed, that on that day fortnight they would leave the metropolis for the residence of Merrywell, and trust the future guidance of their pursuits to chance.
“It would argue a want of loyalty,” said Tom, “if we did not witness the royal departure for Scotland before we quit town; and as that is to take place on Saturday next, we will attend the embarkation of his Majesty at Greenwich, and then turn our thoughts towards a country life.”
Sparkle was evidently gratified by this determination, though he could hardly persuade himself it was likely to be of long duration; and Bob inwardly rejoiced at the expression of sentiments in exact accordance with his own. At a moment when they were all absorbed in thoughts of the future, they were suddenly drawn to the present by a man passing the window, bawling aloud--“Buy a Prap--Buy a Prap.”
“What does the fellow mean?” interrupted Tallyho.
“Mean,” said Dashall, “nothing more than to sell his clothes props.”
“Props,” replied Bob, “but he cries praps; I suppose that is a new style adopted in London.”
“Not at all,” continued Sparkle; “the alteration of sound only arises from an habitual carelessness, with which many of what are termed the London Cries are given; a sort of tone or jargon which is acquired by continually calling the same thing--and in which you will find he is not singular. The venders of milk, for instance, seldom call the article they carry for sale, as it is generally sounded mieu, or mieu below, though some have recently adopted the practice of crying mieu above. The sort of sing-song style which the wandering vendera of different goods get into as it were by nature, is frequently so unintelligible, that even an old inhabitant of the town and its environs can scarcely ascertain by the ear what is meant; and which I apprehend arises more from the sameness of subject than from any premeditated intention of the parties so calling. Other instances may be given:--the chimney-sweeper, you will find, instead of ~~374~~~ bawling sweep, frequently contracts it to we-ep or e-ep; the former not altogether incompatible with the situation of the shivering little being who crawls along the streets under a load of soot, to the great annoyance of the well dressed passengers; however, it has the effect of warning them of his approach. The dustman, above curtailment, as if he felt his superiority over the flue-faker, lengthens his sound to dust-ho, or dust-wo; besides, he is dignified by carrying a bell in one hand, by which he almost stuns those around him, and appears determined to kick up a dust, if he can do nothing else. The cries of muffins in the streets it is difficult to understand, as they are in the habit of ringing a tinkling bell, the sound of which can scarcely be heard, and calling mapping ho; and I remember one man whom I have frequently followed, from whom I could never make out more than happy happy happy now. There is a man who frequently passes through the Strand, wheeling a barrow before him, bawling as he moves along, in a deep and sonorous voice, smoaking hot, piping hot, hot Chelsea Buns; and another, in the vicinity of Covent Garden, who attracts considerable notice by the cry of--Come buy my live shrimps and pierriwinkles--buy my wink, wink, wink; these, however, are exceptions to those previously mentioned, as they have good voices, and deliver themselves to some tune; but to the former may be added the itinerant collector of old clothes, who continually annoys you with--Clow; clow sale. The ingenious Ned Shuter, the most luxuriant comedian of his time, frequently entertained his audience on his benefit nights with admirable imitations of the Cries of London, in which he introduced a remarkable little man who sold puffs, and who, from the peculiar manner of his calling them, acquired the name of Golly Molly Puff; by this singularity he became a noted character, and at almost every period some such peculiar itinerant has become remarkable in the streets of London. Some years back, a poor wretched being who dealt in shreds and patches, used to walk about, inviting people by the following lines--
“Linen, woollen, and leather, Bring 'em out altogether.”
~~375~~~ Another, a sleek-headed whimsical old man, appeared, who was commonly called the Wooden Poet, from his carrying wooden ware, which was slung in a basket round his neck, and who chaunted a kind of song in doggerel rhyme, somewhat similar to the following--
“Come, come, my worthy soul, Will you buy a wooden bowl? I am just come from the Borough, Will you buy a pudding stirrer. I hope I am not too soon, For you to buy a wooden spoon. I've come quick as I was able, Thinking you might want a ladle, And if I'm not too late, Buy a trencher or wood plate. Or if not it's no great matter, So you take a wooden platter. It may help us both to dinner, If you'll buy a wooden skimmer. Come, neighbours, don't be shy, for I deal just and fair, Come, quickly come and buy, all sorts of wooden ware.”
“Very well, indeed, for a wooden poet,” exclaimed Bois; “he certainly deserved custom at all events: his rivals, Walter Scott or Lord Byron, would have turned such a poetical effusion to some account--it would have been dramatized--Murray, Longman, &c. would have been all in a bustle, puffing, blowing, and advertising. We should have had piracies, Chancery injunctions, and the d------1 to pay; but alas! it makes all the difference whether a poet is fashionable and popular or not.”{1}
1 Lord Byron, in his preface to a recent publication, complains that among other black arts resorted to, for the purpose of injuring his fair fame, he has been accused of receiving considerable sums for writing poetical puffs for Warren's blacking. We can safely acquit his Lordship of this charge, as well as of plagiarism from the poems he alludes to; but it has led to a curious rencontre between the blacking-laureat, and his patron the vender of the shin-ing jet; and after considerable black-guardism between the parties, the matter is likely to become the subject of legal discussion among the gentlemen of the black robe.
The poet, it appears, received half a crown for each production, from the man of blacking, which the latter considered not only a fair, but even liberal remuneration for poetic talent; not overlook-ing, that while the pecuniary reward would produce comfort, and add a polish to personal appearance, the brilliance of the composition, (both of poetry and blacking), would be fairly divided between he authors of each; and that the fame of both would be conjointly
handed down to posterity, and shine for ever in the temple of fame.
Now it requires no uncommon sagacity to perceive, that but for this unfortunate mistake of the public, the poet would have remained satisfied, as far as pecuniary recompence went, with the half-crown,--looking to futurity for that more complete recompence, which poets ever consider far beyond pudding or sensual gratification,--fame and immortality; but, alas!
“From causes quite obscure and unforeseen, What great events to man may sometimes spring.”
Finding from Lord B.'s own statement, that the public had duly appreciated the merit of these compositions, and had attached so high a value, as even to mistake them for his Lordship's productions, our bard was naturally led into a train of reasoning, and logical deductions, as to what advantage had, and what ought to have resulted to himself, according to this estimate, by public opinion.--Lord B. and his great northern contemporary, it appeared, received thousands from the public for their poems, while half-crowns (not to be despised, during certain cravings, but soon dissipated by that insatiable and unceasing tormentor, the stomach,) was all the benefit likely to accrue in this world to the original proprietor: in a happy moment, a happy thought flitted athwart the poet's mind; and like the china seller in the Arabian Nights, he found himself rolling in ideal wealth; and spurning with disdain the blacking merchant, the blacking, and the half-crowns, he resolved on a project by which to realize his fondest wishes of wealth, happiness, and independence.
The project was this: to collect together the fugitive blacking sonnets, so as to form a volume, under the title of Poems supposed to be written by Lord Byron, and offer the copyright to Mr. Murray; and in case of his refusing a liberal sum, (that is, some-thing approaching to what he pays the Noble Bard per Vol.) to publish them on his (the author's) own account, and depend on the public for that support and encouragement which their favourable decision had already rendered pretty certain.
Now then comes 'the rub;' the blacking vender, hearing of our poet's intention, files a bill in Chancery, praying for an injunction to restrain the publication, and claiming an exclusive right in the literary property: the poet, in replication, denies having assigned or transferred the copyright, and thus issue is joined. His Lord-ship, with his usual extreme caution, where important rights are involved, wished to give the matter mature consideration, and said, “he would take the papers home, to peruse more attentively.” It will be recollected, that in the cause, respecting Lord Byron's poem of Cain, his Lordship stated, that during the vacation he had, by way of relaxation from business, perused that work and Paradise Lost, in order to form a just estimate of their comparative merits; and who knows but during the present vacation, his Lordship may compare the blacking sonnets with “Childe Harold,” “Fare Thee Well,” &c.; and that on next seal day, the public may be benefited by his opinion as to which is entitled to the claim of superior excellence; and how far the public are justified in attributing the former to the noble author of the latter.
~~377~~~ “Then,” continued Sparkle, “there was a rustic usually mounted on a white hobby, with a basket on one arm, who used to invade the northern purlieus of London, mumbling Holloway Cheesecakes, which from his mode of utterance, sounded like 'Ho all my teeth ake.'”
“Ha! ha! ha!” vociferated Tallyho, unable to restrain his risibility.
“Numerous other instances might be adduced,” continued Sparkle: “among many there was a noted Pigman, whose pigs were made of what is called standing crust, three or four inches long, baked with currant sauce in the belly, who used to cry, or rather sing,--
'A long tail'd pig, or a short tail'd pig,' &c.
There was another singular character, who used to be called Tiddy-doll, a noted vender of gingerbread at Bartholomew, Southwark, and other fairs; who to collect customers round his basket used to chaunt a song, in which scarcely any thing was distinctly articulated but the cant expression Tiddy-doll: he used to wear a high cocked hat and feather, with broad scolloped gold lace on it; and last, though not least, was Sir Jeffery Vunstan, of Garrat fame, who used to walk about the streets in a blue coat with gold lace, his shirt bosom open, and without a hat, accompanied by his daughter, Miss Nancy, crying ould wigs.”
“Old wigs,” reverberated Bob, “an extraordinary article of merchandize!”
“Not more extraordinary than true,” replied Dashall; “but come, I suppose we shall all feel inclined to write a few lines to the country, so let us make the best of our time.”
Upon this signal, each flew to the exercise of the quill, and indulged his own vein of thought in writing to his friend; and the day closed upon them without any further occurrence deserving of particular remark.
Chapter XXVIII
Haste away to Scotland dear, And leave your native home; The Land of Cakes affords good cheer And you've a mind to roam.-- Here splendid sights, and gala nights Are all prepar'd for Thee; While Lords and Knights,--['mid gay delights!)
And Ladies bend the knee. Haste away to Scotia's Land, With kilt and Highland plaid; And join the sportive, reeling band, With ilka bonny lad.-- For night and day,--we'll trip away, With cheerful dance, and glee; Come o'er the spray,--without delay, Each joy's prepared for Thee.
~~378~~~ The morning arose with a smiling and inviting aspect; and as it had been previously rumoured that his Majesty would embark from Greenwich Hospital at half-past eight o'clock, on his intended voyage to Scotland, our party had arranged every thing for their departure at an early hour, and before seven o'clock had seated themselves in a commodious and elegant barge moored off Westminster Bridge, intending, if possible, to see the City Companies, headed by the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, start, as had been proposed, from the Tower. They were shortly afterwards gliding on the surface of the watery element towards the scene of action: by this time the numerous parties in pursuit of the same object were on the alert; and from almost every part of the shore as they passed along, gaily dressed company was embarking, while merry peals of bells seemed to announce approaching delight. The steeples on shore, and the vessels in the river, exhibited flags and streamers, which gave an additional splendour to the scene. All was anxiety and expectation; numerous barges and pleasure-boats, laden with elegant company, were speeding the same way, and every moment increasing, so that the whole view displayed a combination of beauty, fashion, and loyalty not often surpassed.
~~379~~~ On arriving off the Tower, it was soon ascertained that the Lord Mayor and City Companies had got the start of them, and consequently they proceeded on their journey, not doubting but they should overtake them before reaching Greenwich; and in this expectation they were not disappointed; for soon after passing Rotherhithe Church, they came up with the City State Barge, which was towed by a steam boat, accompanied by several other state barges, the whole filled with company. The brightness of the morning, and the superb appearance of these gaily manned, and it might be added gaily womaned gallies, (for a numerous party of fashionably attired ladies added their embellishing presence to the spectacle) formed altogether a picture of more than ordinary interest and magnificence.
“This Royal Visit to Scotland,” said Sparkle, “has for some time past been a prevailing topic of discussion from one end of the Land of Cakes to the other, and the preparations for his Majesty's reception are of the most splendid description--triumphal arches are to be erected, new roads to be made, banquets to be given, general illuminations to take place, body guards of royal archers to be appointed, and the dull light of oil lamps to be totally obscured by the full blaze of Royal Gas. Then there are to be meetings of the civil and municipal authorities from every town and county, presenting loyal and dutiful addresses; and it is expected that there will be so much booing among the “Carle's when the King's come,” that the oilmen are said to be not a whit disconcerted at the introduction of gas lights, the unctuous article being at present in great demand, for the purpose of suppling the stiff joints of the would-be courtiers, who have resolved to give a characteristic specimen of their humble loyalty, and to oulboo all the hooings of the famed Sir Pertinax.”
“However,” observed Dashall, “it is not very likely they will be able to equal the grace with which it is acknowledged the King can bow; and he is to be accompanied by the accomplished Sir Billy, of City notoriety; so that admirable examples are certain of being presented to the Scottish gentry: reports state ~~380~~~ that the worthy Baronet, who is considered to be of great weight wherever he goes, is determined to afford his Majesty, in this visit to Edinburgh, the benefit of that preponderating loyalty which he last year threw into the scale of the Dublin Corporation; and that he has recently purchased from a Highland tailor in the Hay market, a complete suit of tartan, philebeg, &c. with which he means to invest himself, as the appropriate costume, to meet his royal master on his arrival at Edinburgh.”
“In that case,” said Sparkle, “there is one circumstance greatly to be regretted, considering the gratification which our northern neighbours might have derived, from ascertaining the precise number of cwts. of the most weighty of London citizens. I remember reading a day or two back that the weigh-house of the City of Edinburgh was disposed of by public roup, and that a number of workmen were immediately employed to take it down, as the whole must be cleared away by the 6th of August, under a penalty of 50L.: what a pity, that in the annals of the weigh-house, the Scotch could not have registered the actual weight of the greatest of London Aldermen.”
Tom and Bob laughed heartily at their friend Sparkle's anticipations respecting the worthy Baronet; while Bob dryly remarked, “he should think Sir Willie would prove himself a honnie lad among the lasses O; and nae doubt he would cut a braw figure in his Highland suit.”
“But,” continued Dashall, “we are indulging in visions of fancy, without paying that attention to the scene around us which it deserves, and I perceive we are approaching Greenwich Hospital. There is the royal yacht ready prepared for the occasion; the shores are already crowded with company, and the boats and barges are contending for eligible situations to view the embarkation. There is the floating chapel; and a little further on to the right is the Marine Society's School-ship, for the education of young lads for his Majesty's service. The Hospital now presents a grand and interesting appearance. What say you, suppose we land at the Three Crowns, and make inquiry as to the likely time of his Majesty's departure.”
“With all my heart,” replied Sparkle, “and we can then refresh, for I am not exactly used to water excursions, and particularly so early in the morning, consequently it has a good effect on the appetite.”
~~381~~~ By this time the City Barges had taken positions in the front of the Hospital, and our party passed them to gain the proposed place of inquiry: here, however, all was conjecture; the people of Greenwich Hospital appeared to know as little of the time appointed as those of the metropolis; and finding they had little chance of accommodation in consequence of the great influx of company, they again embarked, and shortly after attacked the produce of their locker, and with an excellent tongue and a glass of Madeira, regaled themselves sufficiently to wait the arrival. Time, however, hung heavily on their hands, though they had a view of thousands much worse situated than themselves, and could only contemplate the scene with astonishment, that serious mischiefs did not accrue, from the immense congregated multitude by which they were surrounded.
Anxiety and anticipation were almost exhausted, and had nearly given place to despondency, when about three o'clock the extraordinary bustle on shore announced the certainty of the expected event being about to take place; and in about half an hour after, they were gratified by seeing his Majesty descend the steps of the Hospital, attended by the noblemen, &c. under a royal salute, and rowed to the vessel prepared to receive him. The royal standard was immediately hoisted, and away sailed the King, amidst the heartfelt congratulations and good wishes of his affectionate and loyal people, the firing of cannon, the ringing of bells, and every other demonstration of a lively interest in his safety and welfare: leaving many to conjecture the feelings with which the heart must be impressed of a person so honoured and attended, we shall select a few descriptive lines from the pen of a literary gentleman, in his opinion the most likely to be expressive of the sentiments entertained on the occasion.
ROYAL RECOLLECTIONS.
As slow the yacht her northern track Against the wind was cleaving; Her noble Master oft look'd back, To that dear spot 'twas leaving: So loth to part from her he loves, From those fair charms that bind him; He turns his eye where'er he roves, To her he's left behind him. When, round the bowl, of other dears He talks, with joyous seeming, His smiles resemble vapourish tears, So faint, so sad their beaming; While memory brings him back again, Each early tie that twin'd him, How sweet's the cup that circles then, To her he's left behind him.
Ah! should our noble master meet Some Highland lass enchanting, With looks all buxom, wild, and sweet, Yet love would still be wanting; He'd think how great had been his bliss If heav'n had but assign'd him, To live and die so pure as this, With her he's left behind him. As travelers oft look back at eve, When eastward darkly going, To gaze upon that light they leave, Still faint behind them glowing.
So, ere he's been a month away, At home we sure shall find him, For he can never longer stay, From her he's left behind him.
The gay assemblage before them, and the ceremony of the embarkation, the sound of music, and the shouts of the populace, and animated appearance of the river, which by this time seemed all in motion, amply repaid our friends for the time they had waited; and after watching the departure of the Royal Squadron, they returned to town; and as they passed the London Docks, it occurred to the mind of the Hon. Tom Dashall, that his Cousin had not yet paid a visit to these highly interesting productions of human genius; and it was agreed that a day should be devoted to their inspection before his departure from the Metropolis.
Chapter XXIX
----Where has Commerce such a mart, So rich, so throng'd, so drained, and so supplied, As London; opulent, enlarged, and still Increasing London? Babylon of old Not more the glory of the earth, than she; A more accomplish'd world's chief glory now.
~~383~~~ According to arrangements previously made, our friends met in the morning with a determination to shape their course eastward, in order to take a survey of the Commercial Docks for the accommodation of shipping, and the furtherance of trade; and the carriage being ordered, they were quickly on their way towards Blackwall.
“The Docks of the Port of London,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “are of the highest importance in a commercial point of view, and are among the prominent curiosities of British Commerce, as they greatly facilitate trade, and afford additional security to the merchants.”
“Yes,” said Sparkle, “and it is to be presumed, no small profit to the share-holders of the Companies by which they were established; but I expect your Cousin will derive more gratification from a sight of the places themselves, than from any description we can give, and the time to explain will be when we arrive on the spot; for it is scarcely possible for any one to conceive the immensity of buildings they contain, or the regularity with which the business is carried on.--” How do ye do?” (thrusting his head out of the window, and moving his hand with graceful familiarity,)--“I have not seen Sir Frederick since my matrimonial trip, and now he has passed by on horseback I really believe without seeing me; Dashall, you remember Sir Frederick Forcewit?”
“Perfectly well,” replied Tom; “but I was paying so much attention to you, that I did not notice him. The liveliest fellow, except yourself, in the whole round of my acquaintance.”
~~384~~~ “And you are one of the best I ever met with to gain a point by a good turn; but take it, and make the most you can of it--I may have an opportunity of paying you off in your own coin.”
Tallyho laughed heartily at the manner in which Sparkle had altogether changed the conversation, but could not help remarking that Sir Frederick had not given a specimen of his politeness, by avoiding a return of Sparkle's salutation.
“And yet,” continued Sparkle, “he is one of the most polished men I know, notwithstanding I think his upper story is not a bit too well furnished: he has a handsome fortune, and a pretty wife, who would indeed be a lovely woman, but for an affectation of manners which she assumed upon coming to the title of Lady Forcewit: their parties are of the most dashing order, and all the rank and fashion of the metropolis visit their mansion.”
Sparkle, who was in his usual humour for conversation and description, now entertained his friends with the following account of a party with whom he had spent an evening just previous to his departure from town.
“Mrs. Stepswift is the widow lady of a dancing-master, who having acquired some little property previous to his decease, left his partner in possession of his wealth and two daughters, though the provision for their education and support was but scanty. The mother had the good luck a few years after to add to her stock ten thousand pounds by a prize in the lottery, a circumstance which afforded her additional opportunities of indulging her passion for dress, which she did not fail to inculcate in her daughters, who, though not handsome, were rather pleasing and agreeable girls; and since the good fortune to which I have alluded, she has usually given a ball by way of introduction to company, and with the probable view, (as they are now marriageable), to secure them husbands. It was on one of these occasions that I was invited, and as I knew but one of the party, I had an excellent opportunity of making my uninterrupted remarks.”
“Then,” said Dashall, “I'll wager my life you acted the part of an observant quiz.”
“And I should think you would be likely to win,” observed Tallyho.
~~385~~~ “I am bound to consider myself obliged,” continued Sparkle, “for the bold construction you are kind enough to put upon my character and conduct by your observations; but never mind, I am not to be intimidated by the firing of a pop-gun, or a flash in the pan, therefore I shall proceed. Upon my introduction I found the widow playing a rubber with a punchy parson, a lean doctor, and a half-pay officer in the Guards; and consequently taking a friend I knew by the arm, I strolled through the rooms, which were spacious and well furnished. In the ball-room I found numerous couples 'tripping it on the light fantastic toe,' to the tune of 'I'll gang no more to yon town,' and displaying a very considerable portion of grace and agility. In the other room devoted to refreshments and cards, I met with several strollers like myself, who being without partners, or not choosing to dance with such as they could obtain, were lounging away their time near the centre of the room. I was introduced to the two young ladies, who behaved with the utmost politeness and attention, though I could easily perceive there was a considerable portion of affectation mingled with their manners; and I soon discovered that they operated as the load-stone of attraction to several dandy-like beaux who were continually flocking around them.
'“My dear Miss Eliza,' said a pug-nosed dandy, whom I afterwards understood to be a jeweller's shopman, 'may I be allowed the superlative honor and happiness of attending you down the next dance?' The manner in which this was spoken, with a drawling lisp, and the unmeaning attitude of the speaker, which was any thing but natural, provoked my risibility almost beyond forbearance; his bushy head, the fall of his cape, and the awkward stick-out of his coat, which was buttoned tight round his waist; the drop of his quizzing glass from his bosom, and the opera hat in his hand, formed altogether as curious a figure as I ever recollect to have seen; though my eyes were immediately directed to another almost as grotesque, by the young lady herself, who informed the applicant that she had engaged herself with Captain Scrambleton, and could not avail herself of his intended honor; while the captain himself, with a mincing gait, little compatible with the line of life to which it was to be presumed he was attached, was advancing and eyeing the would-be rival with all the apparent accuracy of a military scrutiny. The contrast of the two figures is ~~386~~~ inconceivable--the supplicating beau on the one hand, half double, in the attitude of solicitation, and the upright position of the exquisite militaire, casting a suspicious look of self-importance on the other, were irresistible. I was obliged to turn on one side to prevent discovering my impulse to laughter. The captain, I have since learned, turned out to be a broken-down blackleg, seeking to patch up a diminished fortune by a matrimonial alliance, in which he was only foiled by a discovery just time enough to prevent his design upon Miss Eliza.”
“Mere butterflies,” exclaimed Dashall, “that flutter for a time in sunshine with golden wings, to entrap attention, while the rays fall upon them, and then are seen no more! but I always like your descriptions, although you are usually severe.”
“As soon as I could recover my solemnity, 1 tound a little gentleman, who reminded me strongly of cunning little Isaac in the Duenna, advancing towards Miss Amelia with true dancing-master-like precision. I soon discovered, by her holding up her fan at his approach, that she held him in utter aversion, and found he received a reply very derogatory to his wishes; when stepping up to her by the introduction of my friend, I succeeded m obtaining her hand for the dance, to the great mortification and discomfiture of Mr. O'Liltwell, who was no other than an Irish dancing-master in miniature. There is always room enough for observation and conjecture upon such occasions. There were, however, other characters in the rooms more particularly deserving of notice. In one corner I found Lord Anundrum, the ex-amateur director, m close conversation with Mr. Splitlungs, a great tragedian, and Tom Little, the great poet, on the subject of a new piece written by the latter, and presented for acceptance to the former by. Mr. Splitlungs, the intermediate friend of both. I discovered the title of this master-piece of dramatic literature to be no other than 'The Methodical Madman, or Bedlam besieged.' A little further on sat Dr. Staggerwit, who passes for a universal genius: he is a great chemist, and a still greater gourmand, moreover a musician, has a hand in the leading Reviews, a share m the most prominent of the daily papers; is president of several learned institutions, over the threshold of which he has never passed, and an honorary member of others which have long been defunct: he appeared to be absorbed in contemplation, and taking but little notice of the gaieties by which he was surrounded. My friend informed me he was just then endeavouring to bring before Parliament his coup de maître, which was a process for extracting a nourishing diet for the poor from oyster shells.”
~~387~~~ “What the devil is the matter?” exclaimed Dashall, thrusting his head out of the carriage window upon hearing a sudden crash.
“Matter enough, your honour,” bawled an athletic Irishman in the habit of a sailor; “by the powers, here's Peg Pimpleface, the costermonger's great grand-daughter, at sea without a rudder or compass, upset in a squall, and run bump ashore; and may I be chained to the toplights if I think either crew or cargo can be saved.”
It appeared that Peg Pimpleface had been round Poplar, Limehouse, and their vicinities, to sell her cargo of greens, potatoes, and other vegetables; and having met with tolerable success, she had refreshed herself a little too freely with the juniper, and driving her donkey-cart towards Whitechapel, with a short pipe in her mouth, had dropped from her seat among the remains of her herbage, leaving her donkey to the uncontrolled selection of his way home. A Blackwall stage, on the way to its place of destination, had, by a sudden jerk against one of the wheels of Peg's crazy vehicle, separated the shafts from the body of the cart, and the donkey being thus unexpectedly disengaged from his load, made the best of his bargain, by starting at full speed with the shafts at his heels, while the cart, by the violence of the concussion, lay in the road completely topsy turvey; consequently Tom looked in vain for the fair sufferer who lay under it.
“Poor Peg,” continued the Irishman, “by the powers, if her nose comes too near the powder magazine, the whole concarn will blow up; and as I don't think she is insured, I'll be after lending her a helping hand; “and with this, setting his shoulders to the shattered machine, at one effort he restored it to its proper position, and made a discovery of Peg Pimpleface, with her ruby features close to a bunch of turnips, the whiteness of which served to heighten in no small degree their effect: the fall, however, had not left her in the most delicate situation for public inspection; the latter part of her person presenting itself bare, save and except that a bunch of carrots appeared to have sympathized in her misfortune, and ~~388~~~ kindly overshadowed her brawny posteriors. As she lay perfectly motionless, it was at first conjectured that poor Peg was no longer a living inhabitant of this world: it was, however, soon ascertained that this was not the fact, for the Hibernian, after removing the vegetables, and adjusting her clothes, took her up in his arms, and carried her with true Irish hospitality to a neighbouring public-house, where seating her, she opened her eyes, which being black, shone like two stars over the red protuberance of her face.
“By J------s,” says Pat, “Peg's a brilliant of the first water; give her a glass of max, and she'll be herself in two minutes:” at the sound of this, animation was almost instantaneously restored, and Tom and his friends having ascertained that she had sustained no bodily harm, gave the generous Irishman a reward for his attentions, jumped into the carriage, and proceeded on their journey.
They were not long on their journey to Black wall; where having arrived, the first object of attention was the East India Docks, to which they were introduced by Mr. M. an acquaintance of Dashall's.
“These Docks,” said Tom to his Cousin, “are a noble series of works, well worthy of the Company which produced them, though they generally excite less interest than the West India Docks, which are not far distant, and of which we shall also have a sight.”
“It should be remembered,” observed Mr. M. “that these docks are solely appropriated to the safe riding of East Indiamen. The import dock is 1410 feet long, 560 wide, and 30 feet deep, covering an area of 18 acres and a half. The export dock is 780 feet long, 520 feet wide, and 30 feet deep, covering nine acres and a half, with good wharf, and warehouse room for loading and unloading.”
“Pray,” said Bob, “what are those immense caravans, do they belong to the shew-folk, the collectors of wild beasts and curiosities for exhibition at the fair? or------”
“They are vehicles of considerable utility, Sir,” replied Mr. M.; “for by means of those covered waggons, all the goods and merchandize of the East India Company are conveyed to and from their warehouses in town, under lock and key, so as to prevent fraud and smuggling. They are very capacious, and although they have a heavy and cumbrous appearance, they move along the road ~~389~~~ with more celerity than may be imagined; and the high wall with which the docks are surrounded, prevents the possibility of any serious peculation being carried on within them. The Company are paid by a tonnage duty, which they charge to the owners. Coopers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, are continually employed in repairing the packages of goods, landing, and snipping; and a numerous party of labourers are at all times engaged in conveying the merchandize to and from the shipping, by which means hundreds of families are provided for. The Company is established by Act of Parliament, and for the convenience of the merchants they have an office for the transaction of business in town.”
“It is a very extensive concern,” said Tallyho, “and is doubtless of very great utility.”
Having satisfied themselves by looking over these extensive works, Mr. M. informed them, that adjoining the Docks was a ship-building yard, formerly well known as Perry's Yard, but now the property of Sir Robert Wigram. “Probably you would like to take a view round it.”
To this having replied in the affirmative, they were quickly introduced.
“Sir Robert,” said Mr. M. “has been, and I believe still is, a considerable managing owner of East India Shipping, whose fortune appears to have advanced as his family increased, and perhaps few men have deserved better success; he was born at Wexford, in Ireland, in the year 1744, and was brought up under his father to the profession of a surgeon: he left Ireland early in life, to pursue his studies in England, and afterwards obtained an appointment as surgeon of an East Indiaman, and remained some years in the service: he married Miss Broadhurst, the youngest daughter of Francis Broadhurst, of Mansfield, in Nottinghamshire, an eminent tanner and maltster; soon after which he commenced his career as owner of East India Shipping. The General Goddard, commanded by William Taylor Money, Esq. sailed under his management, and was fortunate enough during the voyage to capture eight Dutch East Indiamen, of considerable value, off St. Helena; since which he has been one of the most eminent ship-owners in the City of London.”
~~390~~~ “A proof,” said Sparkle, “of the advantages to be derived from perseverance, and the active exercise of an intelligent mind.”
“His first wife,” continued the informant, “died in the year 1786, leaving him five children; and in the following year he married Miss Eleanor Watts, daughter of John Watts, Esq. of Southampton, many years Secretary to the Victualling Office, who is the present Lady Wigram, the benevolence of whose heart, and gentleness of manners, have not only endeared her to her husband, but gained her the esteem and regard of all who know her, and by this lady he has had seventeen children.”
“Zounds!” said Bob, “a man ought to have a mine of wealth to support such a numerous progeny.”
“They are, however, all of them well provided for; and Sir Robert has the happiness, at an advanced age, to find himself the father of a happy family; he rejoices once a year to have them all seated at his own table; and has in many instances surprised his friends by an introduction. It is related, that a gentleman from the Isle of Wight met him near the Exchange, and after mutual salutations were passed, he invited the gentleman to dine with him, by whom an excuse was offered, as he was not equipped for appearing at his table. 'Nonsense,' said Sir Robert, 'you must dine with me; and I can assure you there will be only my own family present, so come along.' Guess the surprise of his visitor, on being introduced to a large party of ladies and gentlemen. He was confused and embarrassed. He begged pardon, and would have retired, declaring that Sir Robert had informed him that none but his own family were to be present. This Sir R. affirmed he had strictly adhered to, and introduced his friend to his sons and daughters by name, which it may fairly be presumed, though it explained, did not exactly tend to decrease his visitor's embarrassment.”
“And these premises,” inquired Bob, “belong to the man you have described?”
“The same,” said Mr. M.; “they are managed and conducted under the superintendence of two of his sons. Here, East India ships are built, launched, and repaired: there are two on the stocks now of considerable magnitude; the premises are extensive and commodious, and that high building which you see is a mast-house, and the other buildings about the yard are devoted to sail lofts, and shops for the various artizans, requisite to complete the ~~391~~~ grand design of building and fitting out a ship for sea. From this yard you have a fine view over the marshes towards Woolwich, and also a commanding prospect of Greenwich Hospital. The various vessels and boats passing and repassing at all times, give variety to the scene before you; and when a launch takes place, the whole neighbourhood represents something of the nature of a carnival; the river is covered with boats filled with company, and every part of the shore near the spot from which the magnificent piece of mechanism is to burst upon its native element, is equally occupied; temporary booths are erected upon each side of what is termed the cradle, for the accommodation of invited visitors; bands play as she moves, and a bottle of wine is thrown at her head as she glides from the stocks, when her name is pronounced amidst the universal shouts of huzza.”
“It must be a most gratifying sight,” observed Bob, “to see her cleave the watery world; indeed it is a very pleasing view we have already had of these floating castles, though I must also remark, that your descriptions have added greatly to the enjoyment, and I think we are much indebted for your kindness.”
They now parted with Mr. M.; and after refreshing with a glass of wine and a sandwich at the Plough, they proceeded to the West India Docks, the entrance to which required no introduction. “Here,” said Dashall, “you will find a much longer space occupied than at the East India Docks. These were undertaken according to an Act of Parliament passed in 1799, and the place was formerly called the Isle of Dogs, though it might almost as appropriately have been called the Isle of Boys. Upon the wharfs and quays adjoining, all West India ships unload and load their cargoes.”
“And exclusively, I suppose,” interrogated Tallyho, “for the accommodation of West India Shipping?”
“Exactly so,” continued Tom; “the West India Trade generally arrives in fleets, and formerly used to create much crowding, confusion, and damage in the river; but these ships being now disposed of in the docks, the overgrown trade of the port is carried on with pleasure and convenience; for notwithstanding they have occasioned a very important trade to be removed to a considerable and even inconvenient distance from the metropolis, yet the advantages to the Port of London are upon the whole incalculable.
~~392~~~ “The Northern Dock for unloading inwards is 2600 by 510 feet, and 29 feet deep, covering a space of 30 acres, and capable of containing from two to three hundred sail of vessels, in greater security than the river could afford them; and the West India Dock Company are reimbursed for the accommodation by a tonnage of 6s. upon the burthen of every ship which enters the docks; besides which they are entitled to charge for wharfage, landing, housing, weighing, cooperage, and warehouse room; certain rates upon all goods that are discharged, such as 8d. per cwt. upon sugar; 1d. per gallon upon rum; Is. 6d. per cwt. upon coffee; 2s. 6d. per cwt. upon cotton, wool, &c.: and all this immense business is conducted with a general order and regularity which greatly facilitates the business of the merchant.”
“But,” said Sparkle, “I apprehend it subjects him to something more of expense than he incurred by the former mode of proceeding.”
“I am not able decidedly to answer,” continued Tom; “but in the main, I expect that if so, it is well worth what is paid to have the additional security. The forms of conducting the business may sometimes be attended with considerable trouble, but there are persons so well acquainted with them by habitual practice, that there cannot be much difficulty at this period. This is the Export Dock, which covers an area of 24 acres, and is 2600 by 400 feet, and 29 deep. The immense buildings round the two docks, are warehouses for the reception of goods, and are of the most substantial description; and to enable shipping in their passage up and down the Thames to avoid the circuitous and inconvenient course round the Isle of Dogs, a canal has been cut across this peninsula, through which, upon paying certain moderate rates, all ships, vessels, and craft, are permitted to pass in their passage up and down the river. In seeing this, and the East India Docks, you have seen pretty well the nature of the whole, for they are all of a similar construction, for similar purposes, and under similar management: but we will now look in at the London Docks, which are situated between Ratcliffe Highway and the Thames, then home to dinner, and to dress for Lady M.'s party in the evening.”
~~393~~~ Thus saying, they took their way towards the place he had mentioned. It would, however, be extending description more than necessary, after the preceding observations of the Hon. Tom Dashall, except to state that the Dock covers 20 acres of ground, and is 1262 feet long, 699 feet wide, and 27 deep. The warehouses, situated at the eastern extremity, are two in number, appropriated for the reception of tobacco; the largest 762 feet long, and 160 feet wide, equally divided by a strong partition wall, with double iron doors; the smallest is 250 feet by 200. They consist of a ground floor and vaults, the latter of which are devoted to the care and housing of wines, in which are usually 5000 pipes. They are solely under the control of the Customs, and the proprietors of the Docks have nothing more to do with them than to receive the rent. Other warehouses are devoted to the reception of the various articles of commerce, and the small buildings situated near the edge are appropriated to counting-houses for clerks and officers, and for weighing and pileing the goods, workshops, &c. as in the West India Docks. The capital of the Company is about £2,000,000, and the ultimate profits are limited to 10 per cent. The building was commenced in 1802, and the grand dock was opened in 1805. In the immense subterraneous caverns under the warehouses, all wines imported by the London merchant are deposited, without paying the import duty, until it is fully disposed of by the owner: a practice which is termed bonding, and saves the proprietor the advance of the duty to government out of his capital. When the merchant finds a person likely to become a purchaser, he directs a written order to the cellarman, to peg certain pipes which are a part of his stock, in order that the visitor may taste the various samples, and select from them such as he is most agreeable to purchase.”
“And no small convenience, of course,” said Bon, “and of course the goods are not allowed to be removed till the duties and charges are paid by the purchaser.”
“Certainly,” was the reply; “they are held as a security for their ultimate payment; but come, as we have already seen enough of docks, let us make the best of our way home.”
~~394~~~ Upon arrival in Piccadilly, a letter from Merrywell reminded Tom of his proposed journey to the country, with the additional attraction of Merrywell's description of the parson's daughter, whom he suggested might in all probability become his wife.
Sparkle likewise received a letter from home, reminding him of the expectations entertained of his early arrival. After dinner the evening was spent in the most agreeable and pleasant way, where our friends engaged themselves with tripping it on the light fantastic toe at Lady M.'s, till the beams of the morning darted upon them.
Chapter XXX
I'm amaz'd at the signs As I pass through the town, To see the odd mixture, “A Magpie and Crown,” “The Whale and the Crow.” “The Razor and Hen,” “The Leg and Seven Stars,” “The Bible and Swan,” “The Axe and the Bottle,” “The Tun and the Lute,” “The Eagle and Child,” “The Shovel and Boot.”
~~395~~~ The proposed time for departure having pressed hard upon our friends, (who though determined to quit the gaieties of London, still seemed to linger, like the moth about the candle, unwilling to separate themselves from its delights,) preparations were at length decided and acted upon; the Hon. Tom Dashall having ordered his servants to proceed on the road with the carriage, horses, and other appendages of his rank, giving time for arrival at the place of destination by easy stages, in order to avoid over fatiguing either his attendants or his horses, an example which was followed by Sparkle and Tallyho, who had mutually agreed to travel by the Mail; for which purpose places were accordingly taken at the Bull and Mouth, which being announced to Tallyho, he took occasion to ask his Cousin for an explanation of so singular a sign for an Inn.
“As far as I am able to learn,” replied Tom, “it was originally the Mouth of Boulogne Harbour, or Boulogne Mouth,--and from thence corrupted to the Bull and Mouth. There are, however, many curious signs, to trace the original derivation of which, has afforded me many amusing moments during my perambulation through the streets of the metropolis; indeed it has often struck me, that the signs in many instances are so opposite to the several professions they are intended to designate, that some remedy should certainly be applied.”
~~396~~~ “And how,” said Sparkle, “would you propose to have the exhibition of signs regulated?”
“That,” said Dashall, “as a subject of deep importance, ought to be subjected to the legislative body for decision: it will be enough for me to point out a few instances which have come under my own immediate notice.
“A short time back, as I was passing near Smithfield, I was surprised at observing the sign of 'The Cow and Snuffers;' and whilst I was endeavouring to throw some light upon this subject, and puzzling myself in endeavouring to discover how it was possible for a Cow to snuff a Candle, or even a farthing rushlight; nay, even how it could happen that so strange an association should take place, I was diverted from my study on turning round, to find that some artist had exercised his ingenuity in painting a Goat in Jack Boots. At first I conceived this must be intended as a satire on our old debauchees, many of whom hide their spindled shanks in the tasselled hessian. These proving inexplicable to my shallow understanding, I pursued my walk, and observed against a strong newbuilt house--'A Hole in the Wall;' and not far from the Fleet Prison, I perceived, with some surprise, 'A Friend at Hand.' Over a house kept by Nic. Coward, I saw 'The Fighting Cocks;' and at a crimping rendezvous, remarked, 'The Tree of Liberty.'--'The Jolly Gardeners' were stuck up at a purl house; and I can assure you, it was with much mortification I detected 'The Three Graces' at a gin shop.”
“Ha, ha, ha,” said Tallyho, laughing, “very natural combinations of characters and subjects for a contemplative philosopher like yourself to exercise your ingenuity upon.”
“Passing by a public-house,” continued Tom, “the landlady of which was exercising her tongue with the most clamorous volubility, I could scarcely credit my eyes to find the sign of 'The Good Woman,' or, in other words, a woman without a head. Entering a house for refreshment, I was told, after calling the waiter for near an hour, that I was at the sign of 'The Bell;' and upon desiring the master of 'The Hen and Chickens,' to send ~~397~~~ me home a fine capon, he shewed me some cambric, and assured me it was under prime cost. The most ominous sign for a customer, I thought, was 'The Three Pigeons;' and I own it was with considerable astonishment when, after ordering a bed at 'The Feathers,' I was compelled to pass the night on a straw mattrass. I have breakfasted at 'The Red Cow,' where there was no milk to be had; and at the sign of 'The Sow and Pigs,' have been unable to procure a single rasher of bacon. At 'The Bell Savage,' (which by the way is said to be a corruption of La Belle Sauvage, or 'The Beautiful Savage,') I have found rational and attentive beings; and I have known those who have bolted through 'The Bolt in Tun,' in order to avoid being bolted in a prison.”
“Vastly well, indeed,” exclaimed Sparkle; “and after all there is much to be done by a sign as well as by an advertisement in the newspapers, however inappropriate. The custom is of very ancient date, having been made use of even by the Romans; and not many years back a bush of ivy, or a bunch of grapes, was used for the purpose; nay, to the present day they may be met with in many places. The Bush is perhaps one of the most ancient of public-house signs, which gave rise to the well-known proverb,
“Good wine needs no bush.”
That is to say, it requires nothing to point out where it is sold. At country fairs, you will frequently see the houses in its vicinity decorated with a Bush or a Bough, from which they are termed Bough Houses, where accommodation may be found. This practice, I know, is still in use at Boroughbridge, in Yorkshire, during their annual fair in June, which lasts a week or ten days. But putting up boughs as a sign of any thing to be sold, was not confined to alehouses; for in old times, such as sold horses were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, to reveal that they were vendible.{1}
1 In all probability from this practice originated the well known proverb,
“As fine as a horse,”
an illustration of which, from the “Life of Mrs. Pilkington,” is here subjoined:--
“They took places in the waggon for Chester, and quitted London early on May morning; and it being the custom on the first of this month to give the waggoner at every Inn a ribbon to adorn his team, she soon discovered the origin of the proverb 'as fine as a horse;' for before they got to the end of the journey, the poor beasts were almost blinded by the tawdry party-coloured flowing honours of their heads.”
~~398~~~ In Scotland, a wisp of straw upon a pole, is or was some years ago the indication of an alehouse; and to this day a ship or vessel for sale may be discovered by a birch broom at the mast head. I remember reading, that in Fleet Market, on the eastern side, there were some small houses, with a sign post, representing two hands conjoined, with words, “Marriages performed within” written beneath them, whilst a dirty fellow assailed the ears of the passengers with the reiterated and loud address of, “Sir, will you walk in and be married,” (as if the dread of any stoppage in the trade of conjugality was threatening mankind with premature extinction,) and the parson was seen walking before his shop, ready to couple you for a dram of gin or a roll of tobacco.”
“Those were the times for getting married,” exclaimed Bob, “no affidavits, certificates, and exposures at church doors!”
“No,” continued Sparkle, “those are signs of altered times. A witty wigmaker adopted the sign of Absolom hanging to a tree, with King David lamenting at a distance, who was represented with a label issuing from his mouth, containing these words--
“O Absolom! my Son! my Son! Had'st thou a peruke worn, thou had'st not been undone.”
This sign, if I remember right, was to be seen a few years since in Union-street, Borough, and is not uncommon even now in France, where you may also find the 'Cochon sans Tete,' (the pig without a head,) which is generally a restaurateur's sign, indicating that 'good pork is here--the useless animal's head is off,' illustrative of the Negro's opinion of a pig in England--“de pig,” said Mungo, “is de only gentleman in England--man workee, woman workee, horse workee, ass workee, ox workee, and dog workee--pig do nothing but eat and sleep--pig derefore de only gentleman in England.'”
~~399~~~ The conversation increased in interest as they proceeded, and Tallyho was all attention; for it must be observed, that as his inquiry had occasioned it, he was willing to listen to all that could be advanced on the subject; and the Hon. Tom Dashall determined to have his share in the explanation.
“The 'Man in the Moon,'” said he, “is derived from the old observation, that a tipsy person is 'in the wind,' or 'in the moon,' (a lunatic.) The sign may therefore be thought to give this advice, 'Here is good drink, gentlemen, walk in and taste it; it will make you as happy as the man in the moon; that is to say, steep your senses in forgetfulness.'--'The Bag of Nails' was the sign of an Inn at Chelsea, which may perhaps be noticed as the ne plus ultra of ludicrous corruption, having originally been a group of Bacchanals.”
Here risibility could no longer be restrained, and a general laugh ensued.
“A group of Bacchanals, however,” continued Tom, “is certainly not an out of the way sign for an Inn, nor do I conceive its corruption so very outre, when we look at others that have suffered much stranger metamorphoses; for who would have thought that time could have performed such wonderful changes as to have transformed a view of Boulogne Harbour into a Black Bull, and a tremendous mouth sufficiently large to swallow its neighbours, horns and all; or the name La Belle Sauvage, or Beautiful Savage, into a bell, and a gigantic wild man of the woods.”
“Then again,” said Sparkle, “taking up the subject, “the pole and bason, though no longer the exhibited emblems of a barber's occupation in London, are still very often to be met with in its environs and in the country, where they are ostentatiously protruded from the front of the house, and denote that one of those facetious and intelligent individuals, who will crop your head or mow your beard, 'dwelleth here.' Like all other signs, that of the barber is of remote antiquity, and has been the subject of many learned conjectures: some have conceived it to originate from the word poll, or head; but the true intention of the party-coloured staff, was to indicate that the master of the shop practised surgery, and could breathe a vein, as well as shave a beard; such a staff being to this day used by practitioners, and put into the hand of the patient while undergoing the operation of phlebotomy: the white band, which no doubt you have observed encompassing the staff, was meant to represent the fillet, thus elegantly twined about it.
~~400~~~ “And this,” said Sparkle, “appears to be the most reasonable conjecture of any I ever heard, as it is well known the two businesses were in former times incorporated together, and the practiser was termed 'A Barber Surgeon.' Then as to their utility: the choice of a witty device, or splendid enluminure, was formerly thought of great consequence to a young beginner in the world; and I remember reading of an Innkeeper at Cassel, who having considerably profited by his numerous customers under the sign of 'The Grey Ass,' supposing himself well established in his trade and his house, began to be tired of the vulgar sign over his door, and availed himself of the arrival of the Landgrave of Hesse, to make (as he thought) a very advantageous change. In an evil hour, therefore, 'The Grey Ass' was taken down and thrown aside, in order to give place to a well painted and faithful likeness of the Prince, which was substituted for it as a most loyal sign.
“A small and almost unfrequented house in the same town, immediately took up the discarded sign, and speculatively hoisted 'The Grey Ass.' What was the consequence? Old codgers, married men with scolding Avives at home, straggling young fellows, and all the 'fraternity of free topers,' resorted to the house, filled the tap-room, crammed the parlour, and assailed the bar: the Grey Ass had the run, and was all the vogue; whilst the venerable Prince of Hesse swung mournfully and deserted at the other place, and enticed no visitors, foreign or domestic; for it should be observed, that 'The Grey Ass' had such reputation all over Germany, that every foreign nobleman or gentleman who came to Cassel, was sure to order his coach or chaise to be driven to the inn of that name; and this order of course was still continued, for how was it to be known by travellers coming from Vienna, Hungary, or Bohemia, that a certain innkeeper at Cassel had altered his sign? To the inn, therefore, which was denominated 'The Grey Ass,' they still went.
“What could the poor deserted innkeeper do in such a case? To deface the fine portrait of his master, would have been high treason; yet losing his customers on the other hand was downright starvation. In this cruel dilemma he dreamt of a new scheme, and had it executed.
~~401~~~ The portrait of the Prince was preserved, but he had written under it, in large characters,
'This is the Original Grey Ass.'
“Excellent!” exclaimed the Hon. Tom Dashall, “though I must confess you have travelled a long way for your illustration, which is quite sufficient to shew the utility of signs. But I would ask you if you can explain or point out the derivation of many we have in London--such for instance as 'The Pig and Tinder-Box'--'The Prad and Blower'--'The Bird and Baby'--'The Tyrant and Trembler'--'The Fist and Fragrance'”
“Hold,” cried Sparkle, “I confess I am not quite so learned.”
“They are novel at least,” observed Tallyho, “for I do not recollect to have met with any of them.”
“Ha, ha, ha!” exclaimed Tom, “then you are not fly, and I must add something to your stock of knowledge after all. The Pig and Tinder-Box is no other than the Elephant and Castle--The Prad and Blower, the Horse and Trumpeter--The Bird and Baby, the Eagle and Child--The Tyrant and Trembler, the Lion and Lamb--The Fist and Fragrance, the Hand and Flowers. Then we have the Book, Bauble, and holler, which is intended to signify the Bible, Crown, and Cushion.”
At this moment a thundering knock at the door announced a visitor, and put an end to their conversation.
In a few minutes a letter was delivered to Dashall, which required an immediate answer: he broke the seal, and read as follows:--
“Dear Tom, “Come to me immediately--no time to be lost--insulted and abused--determined to fight Bluster--You must be my second--I'll blow his blustering brains out at one pop, never fear. At home at 7, dine at half-past; don't fail to come: I will explain all over a cool bottle of claret--then I shall be calm, at present I am all fire and fury--don't fail to come--half-past seven to a moment on table. You and I alone--toe to toe, my boy--I'll finish him, and remain, as ever,
“Yours, sincerely,
“Lionel Laconic.”
~~402~~~ “Here's a breeze,” said Tom; “desire the messenger to say I shall attend at the appointed hour. Death and the devil, this defeats all previous arrangement; but Laconic is an old college friend, whom I dare not desert in a moment of emergency. I fear I shall not be able, under such circumstances, to leave town so early as was proposed.”
“Sorry for it,” replied Sparkle, “and more sorry to be deprived of your company now our time is so short; however, I depart according to the time appointed.”
“And I,” said Tallyho, “having no honorable business to detain me in town, intend to accompany you.”
“If that be the case,” said Tom, “I may perhaps be almost obliged to delay a few days, in order to adjust this difference between Bluster and Laconic, and will follow at the earliest moment. It is, however, a duty we owe each other to render what assistance we can in such cases.” “I thought,” continued Tallyho, “you were no friend to duelling.”
“By no means,” was the reply; “and that is the very reason why I think it necessary to delay my departure. I know them both, and may be able to bring matters to an amicable conclusion; for to tell you the truth, I don't think either of them particularly partial to the smell of powder; but of that I shall be able to inform you hereafter; for the present excuse me--I must prepare for the visit, while you prepare yourselves for your departure.”
Sparkle and Tallyho wished Tom a pleasant evening, took their dinner at the Bedford Coffee-house, and spent the evening at Covent-Garden Theatre, much to their satisfaction, though not without many anticipations as to the result of their friend's interference between the two hot-headed duellists.
Chapter XXXI
“The music, and the wine, The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers, The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments, The white arms, and the raven hair--the braids And bracelets--swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye Like what it circled.
All the delusions of the gaudy scene, Its false and true enchantments--all which Swam before the giddy eyes.”
~~403~~~ Dashall being wholly occupied by the unexpected affair noticed in our last Chapter, had left his Cousin and friends to amuse themselves in the best way they could, prior to the completion of the necessary arrangements for quitting the metropolis. The party were undecided upon what object to fix their choice, or how to bend their course; and while warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was from home, and upon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility.
“Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubt ought to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling was chiefly to give him a description of the Countess of ------'s rout on Saturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, when I last fell in with him. 'Oh Ciélo Empireo.' I'm enchanted yet, positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe such a scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that of Laura at the church door--that dress of 'Vert parsemée de violets.' But softly, let us begin with the beginning, Bélier mon ami. What a galaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fit for Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Those real graces, their Graces of A------ and R------ were among the number.
~~404~~~ The Countess of L------ and Lady F------ O------ would make one cry heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the Lady P------'s. Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their soft influence upon us. As to the Countess of B------, with her diamond tiara, and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like, that I was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that bright eyes should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of our fair and elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced at eleven; and, although my vanity allured me to think that the favorable glances of more than one would-be partner were directed towards me, I felt no inclination to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M. By-the-by, Count C------ told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment, that I and the 'observed of all observers,' Lord E------h, were the best drest male personages at the rout.
Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars a man.
“The coup d'oil of the scene was charming. Cétoit un vrai délice--that atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and of music--gratifying all the senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, and necks were thronging round me! Phidias, had he attempted to copy them, would have forgotten his work to gaze and admire. Description fails in picturing the tout ensemble,--the dazzling chandeliers blazing like constellations--the richly draperied meubles--the magnificent dresses--and then so many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like 'Heaven,' as Ossian says, 'beaming with all its fires.'
“In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressed my surprise at finding him in such a scene--'A rout,' he replied, 'is just one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughter for a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembled as in these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run the gauntlet through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes, as the French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took a fancy to your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you in the blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend, in a voice of thunder. Your tête s'exalte, and when you expect to be ushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon the metaphor) in a parterre of female beauty.'
~~405~~~ “As for me,” I replied, interrupting the satirist, “I delight in such things. I believe that fashion, like kings, can do no wrong.”
“And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name left out. But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but & fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and tear each other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress of the mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all other cases exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat, pressure and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is incroyable. Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of égalité.' All distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lost in the midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but those of pride and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz of voices above, and the roar of announcements from below?”
“While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious and apposite illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, or affected to faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in general requisition. Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preux chevalier, pressed forward to offer his aid where the pressure was most oppressive, and where the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, like ripe fruit in autumn. As for myself, I was just in time to receive in my arms a beautiful girl who was on the point of sinking, and, being provided with hartshorn, my assistance was so effectual, with the aid of a neighbouring window, that I had the satisfaction of restoring her in a few minutes to her friends, who did all they could, by crowding round her with ill-timed condolements, to prevent her recovery. By this time the rest of the ladies took warning from these little misadventures to retire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, would insist upon it, that they retired to avoid that exposure of defects in beauty, which the first ray of morning produces. I took my congé among the rest, and found the hubbub which attended my entrance, increased to a tenfold degree of violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My Lord This's carriage,' and 'My Lady That's chair,' was nothing in comparison to the noise produced ~~406~~~ by servants quarrelling, police officers remonstrating, carriages cracking, and linkboys hallooing. Some of the mob had, it appeared, made an irruption into the hall, to steal what great-coats, cocked hats, or pelisses they could make free with. This was warmly protested against by the footmen and the police, and a regular set-to was the consequence. Through this 'confusion worse confounded' I with difficulty made my way to the carriage, and was not sorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself scarce.”
The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's description of the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects, Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour, gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:--
“I went with Colonel A------, by invitation, to dine with Lord F., in Portman Square. Lord F. is a complete gentleman; and, though sadly inconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial, and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of the English nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of political eminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, an amateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a winter theatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose family motto, by a lucky coincidence, is 'Opera non Verba.' There were, moreover, Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic, the dandy poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He had just brought out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff,' under the auspices of Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, as the play-bills announced, with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, and electrifying applause.' Of course I concluded that it would live two nights, and accounted for the dignified hauteur of my friend Tom's bow, as he caught my eye, by taking into consideration the above-named unprecedented success. There was also present the universal genius, Dr. Project, to whom I once introduced you. He is a great chymist, and a still greater gourmand; moreover, a musician; has a hand in the leading reviews; a share in the most prominent of the daily papers. “Little was said till the wine and desert were introduced; and then the conversation, as might naturally be expected from the elements of which the party was composed, split itself into several subdivisions. As I sat ~~407~~~ next to Colonel A., I had the advantage of his greater familiarity with the personages at table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurd as he could possibly be on the subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute and Viscount Flash laid bets on the celerity of two maggots, which they had set at liberty from their respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director, Highsole and Sapphic, were extremely warm in discussing the causes of the present degradation of the stage; each shuffling the responsibility from the members of their own profession and themselves. Dr. Project entertained his noble host with an interminable dissertation upon oxygen, hydrogen, and all the gens in the chemical vocabulary; for patience in enduring which his Lordship was greatly indebted to his preparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the lordling exquisites only fired off a few 'lady terms,' like minute guns and 'angel visits,' with long intervals between, filling up the aforesaid intervals by sipping Champagne and eating bonbons. The essence of what they said, amounted to mutual wonder at the d------d run of luck last night, in King-street; or mutual felicitation on the new faces which had appeared that day, for the first time, among the old standing beauties who charm Bond-street, at lounge hours, either in curricle or on foot. For my part, I was attracted towards the discussion of the dramatic trio, not because I affect, as the cant of the day is, to have a particular attrait towards the belles lettres, but merely because the more plebeian disputants were vociferous, (a thing not often observed among fashionables) and outré in their gesticulations, even to caricature. 'What do you think of their arguments?' I inquired, sotte voce, of Colonel A. 'If we are to be decided by their conjoint statements, no one is to blame for the degradation of the stage.'
“'They are all in the right,' returned he, '(excuse the paradox,) because they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the whole theatrical system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown at the root of trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end by rendering the national theatres national nuisances. With reference to the interests of literature, they are a complete hoax. To please the manager, the object which the writer must have in view, he must not paint nature or portray character, but write up, as the cant phrase is, to the particular forte of Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. The consequence is, that the public get only one species of fare, and that is pork, varied indeed, as broiled, baked, roasted, and boiled; but still pork, nothing but pork.'
~~408~~~ “'But surely,' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic and Mr. Highsole are gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of their several professions, or a nobleman of Lord F------'s taste and discrimination--'
“'There you are falling into an error,' returned the colonel, interrupting me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables of our great men; but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in the breach than the observance.' I have known several good actors on the stage, very indifferent actors in society, and large characters in the play-bills, as well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned by very stupid, very vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same may be said of poets. We are poor creatures at best, and the giant of a reviewer very often cuts but a very sorry figure when left to the ricketty stilts of his own unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. You are tolerably familiar with our political parties; but you are yet to be acquainted with our literary squads, which are the most bigotted, selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little knots of little people it is possible to conceive.'
“By the time that Colonel A------had ended his short initiation into these various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to give a lecture on egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to visit the Opera; Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives Court,' to see a set-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir or Almack's; and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, without understanding a syllable of its merits.
“Nevertheless,” I soliloquized as I rode home, “his Lordship will be surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfect Demosthenes in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs, stammerings, blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory, all vanish in passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. What magicians the reporters are! What talents, what powers of language they profusely and gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing any but some half dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses the report, has only the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him. But Lord help the unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopeless of getting through the dense mass which occupy the seats round him, is condemned to sit with an 'aching head,' and be well nigh choaked with the husks and the bran.”
~~409~~~ Our party felt so much amused by these lively and characteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of the Metropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors appeared for the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject alive, resumed as follows.
“In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of society in the west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as the entrance to the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must (at least to our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise.
“Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledge of Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'young men of genius about town,' I became a member of a new philosophical society called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar. Having been plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'man of Diogenes,' I concluded that here, at least, my pockets might be tolerably safe from the diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I was told by my friend the introducer, had souls above money; their thoughts were too sublime and contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns. I should have a great deal of instruction for little or nothing; I had only to pay my two guineas per annum, and the business was done; the gate of science was open, and nothing farther was requisite than to push forward and imitate Socrates. But how strangely do our anticipations mislead our sober judgments!
'Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust, And levels those who use them with the dust.'
“The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like in making promises, which the managers of course considered as much too common-place and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politics and religion from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, from its discussions; but, alas!
'It kept the word of promise to the ear And broke it to the hope.'
~~410~~~ “The only subjects which it did not exclude were politics and religion. Neither could it be said that either of these subjects received more benefit from the way in which they were handled, than a white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, the first being made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and the latter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Under such instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in process of time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislator of the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services, for the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or the Calmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, have carried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty a Utopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as could well be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of those sad trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate in suffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for the present, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosophers were the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world. One or other of them was always in want of money, either to perfect some great scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of a bailiff. It was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progress of improvement, or 'march of mind,' as it is called, might be delayed by being too cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, that at length I had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, at the bottom of it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, but progressive; it might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophers visited me for a loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me like a Tertian; and one or two came upon me like an intermittent ague, every other day. Among these was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he called himself, of a magazine. This fellow had tried a number of schemes in the literary line, though none had hitherto answered. But he had the advantage and credit of shewing in his own person, the high repute in which literature is held in London, for he could seldom walk the streets without having two followers at his heels, one of whom frequently tapped him on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him of mortality, like the slave in the ~~411~~~ Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of this gentleman, was the 'march of mind;' and on this subject he would spout his half hour in so effectual a manner, as to produce two very opposite effects; viz. the closing of the eyes of the elder philosophers, and the opening of mine, which latter operation was usually rendered more effectual by his concluding inquiry of 'have you such a thing as a pound note about you?'
To match this saint, there was another, As busy and perverse a brother.
“This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq. and a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil of Esculapius, and united in his own person the various departments of dentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found the employment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros more profitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, than physicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system of research, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, had reason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some two or three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society, vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron, and then disappeared for ever.
“Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. This gentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made a diagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was a great speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond the blue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as he possessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and no one will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zeal of Epictetus Moonshine, some time after the breaking up of the Socratic institution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better of self-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of being transported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries in London and its vicinity.
~~412~~~ “'You mistake greatly, Sir,' said he, to one of the visiting governors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such a position, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subject of regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itself to make--
'A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.'
And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picture which I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no such thing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination; that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written in fourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, with a new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'll excuse me.' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping his blanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubt attracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot to pay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more of him.
“The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr. Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and his tragedy called the 'Mines of Peru,' by which he of course expected to make his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast,' and four more in trying to get it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he well might do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that he knew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru.' At last Mr. Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he was at leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Mines of Peru,' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, to preserve it from the scorching influence of the fire.
“This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and I ventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why,' said he, 'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confined in Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams. An agreement was made,' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pence halfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses. But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure of supping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts to prose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week of gloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which I subsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good meal upon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource.'
“But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: “By the time that the philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleaned me entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loan would be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; a set of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antique busts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, as Jack.'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loans would be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, for the lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loan again. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globes and instruments at a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library at sundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for the Socratics were rapidly withdrawing. The association, for want of the true golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheap baker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor,' (i.e. alum), was falling to pieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles as were most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls of the toothdrawer's passage. I waited on the Socratics for the Bums they had been so polite as to borrow.--One, to shew that he had profited by studying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot to overturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as money was mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit to Abbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he came back. A third, an unwashed artificer,' was so kind as to inform me that ~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one straw for my black looks.' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presented with his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightest recollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compelling payment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold Bath Fields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not his hand-writing.
“The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantly laying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them reminded me of the proverb--'Sue a beggar,' &c. To crack a baculine joke over their sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosophers were not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march of mind,' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat and the mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch,' says Solomon, 'shall he not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained in quiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properly appreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in the world of 'value received.'”
Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusements out of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over the hospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit and humour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god.
Chapter XXXII
In London, blest with competence. With temper, health, and common sense, None need repine or murmur--nay, All may be happy in their way. E'en the lone dwelling of the poor And suffering, are at least obscure; And in obscurity--exempt From poverty's worst scourge--contempt. Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den. Unheeded issues forth again; Wherefore appears he, none inquires, Nor why--nor whither he retires. All that his pride would fain conceal, All that shame blushes to reveal; The petty shifts, the grovelling cares, To which the sous of want are heirs; Those evils, grievous to be borne, Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn; Here hidden--elude the searching eye Of callous curiosity.
~~415~~~ The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedly interrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed from home before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, of course, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate of one of the antagonists before they should see him again.
In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by his arrival about half past eleven o'clock.
“Well,” said Sparkle, “it is all over--who has fallen--which is the man--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and where is the wounded hero?”
“Nay,” said Tom, “you are before-hand with me; I have none of the intelligence you require.--I have been in search of Lord Bluster, who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, for Edinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation of Laconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out of the way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will end, like many other duels, in smoke.”
~~416~~~ “Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire,” observed Tallyho.
“But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, my boy,” continued Sparkle.
This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being delivered to Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could not restrain.
“Dear Tom, “Don't like fighting in England--am off directly for Cork.--Tell Bluster I'll wait there till he comes--but if he values his life, not to come at all.---Please do the needful in despatching my servants, &c. within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait a moment.--So adieu.
“Yours, sincerely, Laconic.”
“Excellent, upon my word,” said Sparkle; “here are two men of honour determined upon meeting, running away from each other even before the preliminaries are arranged.”
“There is novelty in it at least,” said Tom, “though I am by no means astonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not think either of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing would satisfy him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found: any person to whom bis character was not known would have expected some spilling of blood before this time. But it is now plain that this blustering was the effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment has extinguished the flame of his irritability.”
“I think,” said Tallyho, “it would be well to advise them to meet half-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling their differences.”
“Curse their differences,” replied Dashall, “I'll have nothing more to do with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet with Bluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as it is, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it must necessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I should very much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fully acquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intended duel, I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if he had not actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing to do with him or his concerns.”
~~417~~~ “Come, come,” cried Sparkle, “grumbling is of no use now; and as the circumstances are not made public, the duellists will escape being laughed at. There is no harm done--we must be upon the alert--we shortly bid adieu to London, and shall not be so well pleased to leave you behind; but remember you promise to follow as quickly as possible.--Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder of the time?”
“Zounds,” replied Tom, “all my plans are deranged by this foolish affair of Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move.--However, I shall not devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your service; and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. The tragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for any thing farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, east, west, north, or south.”
Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixotic excursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mind as to the precise place of their destination, when the first object that attracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcing to the public, “That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8th of October, would not take place, in consequence of the property being disposed of by private contract.”{1}
1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to this valuable property:--
“FONTHILL ABBEY. “The sale at this splendid mansion is not to take place, the estate having been sold by private contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330,000L. for the property. It is stated that every article in the Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is an event for which the people of the place seem to have been totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford would as soon part with his life as with a residence which he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr. Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last ten years they have declined very materially, and several of them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the other consequences, involved him in losses and vast expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected with India.”
~~418~~~ “Thousands of people,” says Dashall, “who had been flocking to that neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view of the premises, will, by this event, be disappointed. Several of my friends have paid a visit to it, and describe it as a most princely mansion.”
“And pray,” inquired Sparkle, “what is the cause of its being sold at all 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of very extensive property.”
“That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always a busy fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it is stated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in his West India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this moment executions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of the effects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: by others it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, be that as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time past in being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities it contains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probably netted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts.”
~~419~~~ “And an excellent plan for raising the wind too,” said Tallyho; “the example, I suppose, has been taken from Wanstead House.”
“Most likely,” was the reply; “but if it is true that the disposal of the property is occasioned by the embarrassment of its owner, it cannot but excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by which men hold the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr. Beckford's circumstances some years ago, thought him so secured in the enjoyment of a princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reach of ill fortune, being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundred thousand pounds a year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted his inheritance at the gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barren mountain, the greater part of those vast plantations which surround it, the collection of books, and of rare specimens of art, and the superb furniture, which gives such peculiar dignity and splendour to the interior of his residence, speak at once the immensity of his means, and attest the propriety and gracefulness of their application.”
“We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthly paradise,” rejoined Tallyho; “but now I suppose it is all over.”
“Certainly,” was the reply; “and it is a circumstance for which the people in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries of the place were to be sold, and the public announcement of this had the effect of filling the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from all quarters. He was fortunate who, for some time past, could find a vacant chair within twenty miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a private apartment was a luxury which few could hope for; and an old friend of mine informs me, in one of his letters, that, coming from London, travellers first met their troubles about Salisbury, The languages of France, of Holland, and of Germany, the peculiarities (in tongue) of Scotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of Somersetshire, the tinckling accent of Wales, and the more polished tones of metropolitan residents, were all, at the same moment, to be heard clashing and contending. There were bells ringing, and chamber-maids screaming--horses prancing, and post-boys swearing--wheels clattering, and waiters jostling--guests threatening, and hubbub and confusion the orders of the day:--and all this to see something which half of them, when they got there, if they were so fortunate, could not obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, we have been quite as well off in remaining at home.”
~~420~~~ “That was spoken like a philosopher,” said Sparkle, dryly.--“But pray, who is to be the future possessor of this fine estate?”
“A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330,000L. for it as it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plate and pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interesting particulars of the purchaser have recently been made known; from which it appears, that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in life to India, where he was employed in the medical department. Chemical research was his favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the manner of manufacturing gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give his assistance. By degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, and finally he became the sole contractor to the government. In this way wealth and distinction rapidly poured in upon him. After some years of labour, he returned to England with half a million of money; and it is somewhat curious that a man possessed of so much money upon his arrival at Gravesend, should, merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk up to London; which, however, it appears he did, when his first visit, very naturally, was to his banker. Without waiting for refreshment or alteration of attire, full of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth a guinea, he presented himself at the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts. The clerks, not much prepossessed in his favour by his appearance, disregarded his application; and he was suffered to remain in the cash-office under the idea of his being some poor petitioner, until Mr. Coutts, passing through it, recognized his Indian customer, the man whom he expected to see with all the pomp of a nabob. Mr. Farquhar requested to have five pounds; which having received, he took his departure. This anecdote strongly marks the character and habits of the man. He soon afterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where his house was to be distinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned windows, and general neglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his apartment, to which a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred from her care. His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and there have been instances of some of them offering him money as an object of charity.”
~~421~~~ “An admirable tenant for such a place as Fonthill, truly,” observed Sparkle.--“Why, what the devil will he do with it now he has got it?”
“Perhaps,” said Dashall, “I ought to refer you to the man himself for an answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is now sixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness.”
“A very enviable situation,” remarked Sparkle, “However,” continued Tom, “he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He became a partner in the great agency house in the City, of Basset, Farquhar, and Co.; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share in the brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase of estates; but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered to increase on compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modern literature, and has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality; his conversation of a superior order, impressive and animated on every subject. His sentiments are liberal, and strangely contrasted with his habits. His religious opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influenced by an admiration of the purity of the lives and moral principles of the Brahmins. It is said that he offered 100,000L. to found a college in Aberdeen, with a reservation on points of religion; to which, however, the sanction of the legislature could not be procured, and the plan was dropped. He has been residing in Gloucester-place, where he has furnished a house in a style of modern elegance, and, so far as appearances are concerned, indulges in several luxuries; but his domestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom labours with the pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he allows, or did allow, 300L. per year; has but few other claims of family; and it is probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to charitable purposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his name to posterity as the founder of some public institution. To that passion may, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for his age and infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such ~~422~~~ a place. He is diminutive in person, and by no means prepossessing in appearance; his dress has all the qualities of the antique to recommend it; and his domestic expenditure, until the last year, has not exceeded 200L. per annum, although his possessions, money in the funds, and capital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a half!”
“Why, he is an oddity indeed,” exclaimed Tallyho, “and I think he ought to be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world.”
“Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, it is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postage was not paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, given away, at once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousand pounds.”
“Then,” rejoined Sparkle, “he is a trump, and deserves to be respected:--but where are we bound to?”
“Nay,” replied Tom, “I have no choice upon the subject.”
“Nor I neither,” said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catching him by the hand--“so come along--I'll guide you to good quarters and comfortable accommodation.--Dine with me, and we will have a cut in at whist.--What say you?”
This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield's apartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment was presented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, the glass circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed an agreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; after which they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very well satisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, except the eternal rattle of his tongue.
Chapter XXXIII
“The proper study of mankind in food.”
~~423~~~ Next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make his appearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility of tongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse of action.
“My dear fellow,” he commenced, addressing Bob, “as you are so soon about to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all the information possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Long as your stay in the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjects are so varying--so ever varying--so multifarious--and the field for observation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must have escaped your notice.
“I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionally endeavour to amuse with “Sketches of Scenes in London;” and, as I flatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and incident, you shall hear it.”
“Dear Dick--I told you that I was about to have the honour of being introduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him for all in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again.' It was evidently one of 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limb which appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if they were purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be 'girded at' by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage for notoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a gourmand, and the other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thus acquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended to sing at a concert at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voice than a ~~424~~~ cat, he was under the full impression that his Majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him for a song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his literary dinners; and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop gourmand, I make no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of gastronomes, by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion.--
“'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour of digestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternal sciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapid organs would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Taste has various departments--painting, architecture, sculpture, &c.; but impressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was to invent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writers from Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds by gradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, to initiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, and to judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are proper schools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much and pay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite entrees. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twice subjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appeared as hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the wine was so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to look old before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coat perceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thing but the grape, that, in about six months, I sickened, and no longer frequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry.
“'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a “sorry sight:”--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, on the removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulous paralytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ then an unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction; here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl as coarsely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while a purblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy on pigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarisms are unknown at my table.
“'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond any thing hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is to behold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, the eye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands the nostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips to a smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, (for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in your mouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnest possible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate in the gulph of ecstacy.
“'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulged without some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the business of my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, and provide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed on the table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are of a very moving quality and speedy operation, called “Peristaltic persuaders.” In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as an ordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper is engaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart.
“'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was a diversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility and a few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became very troublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in the house, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But this was less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule never to attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery. The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulous lawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifying their appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained of expense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, was accused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestly demonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convert sprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without paying their arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club was dissolved.'
“It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated 'committee of taste,' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted.”
Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob felt complimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies of Metropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morning determined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as it would afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases as were necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passing Covent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesque assemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by the following whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity and feelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some time past exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stage in a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and the monkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebrated flying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himself with a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showman and one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey however declined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the pieman served out the second glass, and the former monkey took his with apparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ who declined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standers called out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung it in his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was half drunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seized him by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirely out, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquish his hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to a doctor's shop to get his arm dressed.
Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, Bow Street. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and after listening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coach fares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, and which we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who have a taste for swearing and abuse.