Letter XLIII (part 2 of 2)
The performance of the Elephant that stands upon its head at Astley's is very seasonable. It represents the Balance of Power, which we wish LORD ABERDEEN could preserve in Europe as cleverly as the sagacious quadruped contrives to do on another theatre.
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THE HEIGHT OF ABSURDITY.--The height at which in the present day shirt collars are worn.
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A LIVING SUPERIORITY.--Woman has this great advantage over Man--she proves her will in her lifetime, whilst Man is obliged to wait till he is dead.
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SURE SYMPTOMS OF CHRISTMAS.
(By a Surly Old Bachelor.)
Punch,--I know Christmas is coming from certain well-known symptoms that never fail to present themselves at this time of the year:--
Because my landlady is so extremely civil to me, and brings me my shaving-water the moment I ring for it.
Because I have not had to complain for two weeks about my boots, and the coal-scuttle is generally pretty full of coals.
Because the breakfast is laid before I am up, and when I ask for toast with my tea in the evening, the kitchen fire has not once been out.
Because the impudent news-boy has been much earlier with the newspaper than usual.
Because, wherever I have called, I haven't had cold meat for dinner for ever so long--for two weeks at least.
Because I cannot get my bills in from my tradesmen--they smile, and scrape their feet in their vile sawdust, and murmur something about "any time will do, Sir," and present me with French plum and bonbon-boxes, and fancy I have nothing better to do than to lay in a plantation of Christmas trees.
Because the crossing-sweeper takes his hat off to me every time I pass.
Because the Beadle has been wonderfully profuse with his cocked hat, and the pew-opener, within the last fortnight, has nearly curtseyed me to death.
Because, wherever I have called, I have found all the servants smiling most unnaturally, and bringing me things I didn't want.
Because my little nephews have been so very affectionate to me lately.
Because my little nieces have run up to me, and kissed me in a way that was more flattering than agreeable, and I have had my great coat and hat and umbrella and goloshes pulled off me before I have had time to inquire whether my brother (he is only a clerk) was at home.
Because I have been bothered out of my life with so many inquiries about that "distressing cough" of mine, and have been recommended so many wonderful remedies that were sure to cure it,--which remedies, if I had only taken one half of them, I shouldn't be alive at the present moment.
Because the Waits wake me up at night, paying me the discordant compliment of playing opposite my window longer than anybody else's.
And because--but I think I have said enough of these symptoms, which luckily "come but once a year." After all, I don't know--perhaps they are not so disagreeable, for the attentions one receives at this period are as flattering to one's vanity as they are conducive to one's comfort. The worst is, one knows they all spring out of a Christmas Box--and these boxes, as I have learnt to my cost, are not to be had so cheaply as bandboxes. The enjoyment would be all the more enjoyable, if one hadn't to pay so dearly for it. During the Christmas month, my outgoings invariably exceed my incomings;--otherwise, I like it well enough, and shouldn't mind if the whole year were composed of nothing but Christmas months.
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A FIT PUNISHMENT.
Our Aldermen are such neglectful conservators of the river Thames, that we propose they should be compelled to bathe in it regularly once a day, until some great improvement has been effected in its inodorous management.
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ARCTIC MONOMANIA.
Those who send navigators to discover the North-west Passage remind us of Hamlet, although he described himself as only mad North-north-west.
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PHYSIC FOR ALL EUROPE.
Political convulsions will not yield to chloroform--they are to be cured by reform only.
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THE RETORT COURTEOUS.--The Retort that rectifies an error, and does it in the most refined spirit.
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OUR BOTTLE-HOLDER.
So, PALMERSTON'S out! and the cannie Scotch Peer Whom he cuts, is in haste to be first with the story, And, to poison our PAM in the popular ear, Proclaims that for years our old friend's been a Tory.
But Punch is afraid that another Scotch mull Is marking the course of the friend of ST. NICHOLAS; For the good MR. BULL is by no means so dull As not to perceive that the charge is ridiculous.
What! PALMERSTON, Liberty's champion in need, Who confronted oppressors with England's broad ægis, And haughtily ordered the despots to read On its blazon, the duties that Lords owe to Lieges.
Who has fluttered, not pigeons (like us, dear LORD A., Who all "pigeon-livered, lack gall" to sustain us) But Eagles, Spread, Double, Red, Black, White, and Grey, And cried "kennel!" to Kings with his Civis Romanus.
Whose name gives the sign for a chorus of groans, Where, crowned and anointed things gibber in ermine, And, where slaves crawl and slaver the footsteps of thrones, Sends them off to their holes, as the light does night vermin.
It really won't do. To your patron, the CZAR, When the now forming file of the newspapers comes, he Will laugh out in scorn with a royal "Ha! ha! To think ABERDEEN was so helplessly clumsy."
So, call him what you, for about forty years, Were--a Tory--or aught that comes into your noddle, One only regrets that in these days one hears Of so very few Tories who're built on his model.
He remembers the service by PALMERSTON done Since he took the portfolio, but yesterday hawked about; How, shoulder to wheel, he went through at a run, The work that all others had dawdled and talked about.
The grind for "six moons" to the wife-beating brute; The foot on the dens where turf-gamblers would cozen; The foul furnace throats made to swallow their soot; The yet fouler charnel yards closed by the dozen.
The lecture your Lordship's Scotch friends would not print, Who against Sabbath-breaking so tipsily hiccup; And the scourge he was knotting, by way of a hint To bid ruffians reflect before taking the stick up.
All this, my dear Lord, in our tablet's enrolled; And we'd very respectfully say to your Lordship, That the tales of your organs had better be told To those worthies, the resident soldiers on board ship.
For all the Scotch Lords who e'er blessed DUKE ARGYLL, Pouring out all their spleen by the gallon--Scotch measure, Could not poison JOHN BULL from his jolly frank smile, When he says, "Punch, here's PAM!" and Punch says, "JOHN, with pleasure."
[And they drink LORD PALMERSTON'S health.]
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AN EXTREME TEST.
If you wish to ascertain the temper of a young lady, look at her nails, and the tips of her gloves. If they are jagged and much bitten, you may be sure she is peevish, irritable, quarrelsome, and too ready to show her teeth at the smallest provocation. This is an infallible test that every ill-tempered young lady carries at her finger's-ends. Do not attempt to kiss such a young lady under the mistletoe.
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PROBLEM FOR THE ROYAL INSTITUTION.
Can no chemist tell us how to obtain a solution of the Eastern difficulty?
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HOW TO SEE THE TEETH OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY.
Praise her rival before her face, and you may depend upon it, she will soon show her teeth.
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EQUESTRIAN ENTERTAINMENT.--The green-room of Drury Lane, all the time the horses were there, was turned into a "Salle à Manger."
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AN AMERICAN JOKE EXPLAINED.
We don't understand American institutions--that's a fact. We don't understand the American Press; which is one of the greatest of those institutions. Deficient in the sense of irony, we take the playful abandonment--the jocose mystification--of the American newspapers as simple statement. Hence multitudes of dull worthy people among us will receive the New York Tribune's account of the reception of the runaway convict, MITCHELL, at New York as a prosaic and authentic narrative of that event. Had GREENACRE, by some chance, escaped the gallows, they will be inclined to think, he too would have been hailed with enthusiasm and acclamation, as an accession to the worth and manhood of American citizenship. For MITCHELL resembled the other chiefly in the circumstance of not having been hanged. He was no mere political non-conformist and unsuccessful opponent of the existing order of things, vulgarly and technically termed a rebel. He was a traitor in the vilest sense of the word: a malignant hater of the QUEEN and the country: the sort of traitor that mediæval justice contemplated when it sentenced the criminal so called to be hanged, drawn, and quartered. He was a sanguinary cruel caitiff; a dogged miscreant who not only preached pike massacres, but yelled and raved for sulphuric acid, which he would have had rascals to squirt into soldiers' eyes. Those, therefore, who are not up to American drollery will naturally be scandalised by the seemingly sympathetic description, given by the New York Tribune, of the advent of such a fellow amongst the freest and most enlightened people on earth. Says our facetious contemporary:--
"As the Prometheus came up the river, she was boarded by MESSRS. MEAGHER and WILLIAM MITCHELL, the brother of the patriot. The meeting between these friends in sorrow and persecution was affecting in the extreme. Tears of joy were shed on both sides."
Tears which scalded the cheeks down which they flowed; being vitriolic. Without this comment--which would have spoiled the gravity of the burlesque--the Tribune proceeds:
"On nearing the wharf, the news of MR. MITCHELL'S arrival spread like wildfire, and ships and piers were literally swarming with the immense throng who crowded to give him a freeman's welcome."
No doubt this is the naked truth. There are, unfortunately, a great many scoundrels and ruffians in New York who have an ardent admiration for a fellow scoundrel and ruffian. It is unnecessary that a New York journal should explain that these vagabonds are not Americans. But that explanation is requisite for our stolid readers, whom we will presently tell who the wretches really were. An individual of the noble and generous American nation would as soon think of hugging a rattle-snake or a copper-head, as of taking to his bosom the venomous and vitriol-squirting MITCHELL.
As MR. MITCHELL and his companions proceeded to their destination--which, notwithstanding the impulsive nature of American moral feeling, was not the nearest pump--he experienced various honours, which the waggish reporter of his triumph enumerates with whimsical exaggeration--particularising "roar of artillery," "dense mass of human beings," the carriages that bore them, being "followed by the throng," his way resembling "the march of a conqueror"--not by any means such a march as that of a man who is drummed out of his regiment. His friends, the funny journalist avers, "were almost ready to take him from the vehicle, and carry him upon their shoulders," and he was "surrounded by a large number of the citizen-soldiery and NANCHAN'S band." Among these troops were the "Irish Rifles," whose weapon, of course, is the vitriol squirt--the "MITCHELL Guard," the "MEAGHER Grenadiers," with "Cabbage Garden," probably, emblazoned on their colours; and sundry other regiments and guards, which--it was superfluous to inform the New Yorkers--were ragged and--black.
Here lies the point of the whole joke. Misled by a parcel of Uncle-Tom-foolery, we are apt to regard the coloured population of the States as an oppressed race. They are, indeed, shunned and disliked; but that is entirely by reason of their incorrigible villainy. They won't work, but they will squat on an estate, and if compelled to clear off and make room for industrious whites, they shoot the owner of the property from behind a hedge. Rescued from starvation consequent on their unthrift and laziness, they turn and curse the benefactor who feeds them. Such were they who shouted welcome to MITCHELL; and only think how secure a people must feel in their republican liberty to permit a mob of savages to indulge in such a demonstration! This base and brutal multitude did not contain one American citizen. Their bands are stated to have played Irish melodies, "Star Spangled Banner," "Yankee Doodle," and other national airs. No, no. The ragamuffins hated the stars as well as the stripes too much; and they no more played "Yankee Doodle" than MITCHELL sang "Rule Britannia." Their music may have included Irish melodies; but their other national airs were limited to the class comprising "Lucy Neal" and "Ole Dan Tucker." They were an assemblage of odious, miserable, ugly, degraded brutes, connecting links between mankind and the monkey. There was not a single Anglo-Saxon in the whole lot. In short, they were all--NIGGERS.
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CHARITY FOR CHURCHMEN.
Our friend the BISHOP OF LONDON has published a circular urging his clergy to exert themselves to recruit the failing finances of the Society for Promoting the Employment of Additional Curates in Populous Places. Very good; let all the other bishops issue similar injunctions; and perhaps they will not forget to point out that a great many additional curates might be provided for populous places out of the excess of income enjoyed by pluralists, who are the incumbents of places, some of which are comparatively uninhabited. Their Lordships might, by example as well as precept, urge their over-paid clergy to exert themselves for the required object, by pulling out a large amount of their superfluous revenues, if they can possibly stand so much exertion. Perhaps it would be as well to try the effect of this exhortation on the clergy first, and appeal to the laity, if necessary, afterwards.
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THE REAL REASON.
LORD PALMERSTON has resigned. Speculation is rife as to the cause. We are in a position to state confidently, that his retirement is owing neither to the Eastern question, nor the Reform Bill, but to the despair of the active Home Secretary at the deluge of letters which he has drawn down by his offer made at Perth to listen to everybody's grievances, and consider everybody's suggestions--an undertaking which he has found himself so utterly unable to redeem, that he has determined on withdrawing altogether from the attempt.
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JOKE FOR THE STOCK-EXCHANGE.--Instead of asking "How goes the Enemy?" for "What's o'Clock?" we now ask, "How goes the EMPEROR OF RUSSIA?"
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THE ALDERMAN'S HOPE.
Stand PRINCE ALBERT a Statue--it then mayn't be hard To induce him to stand, by and by, for a Ward; There ain't any lor, as I knows on, agin it, And there's nothing, as I see, preposterous in it.
The wery next year pop him into the Chair, And have the PRINCE CONSORT himself for LORD MAYOR, With an out-and-out Show on the ninth of November-- Of the PRINCE OF WALES that, too, 's the birthday, remember.
What a sight!--to behold it all London would trudge-- The RECORDER presenting the PRINCE to the JUDGE, Relating his history, birth, education. And how he has always behaved in his station.
His R'y'l Highness to see, his official robes drest in, A countin' the hobnails--oh how interstin'! The Illustrious News would set forth the whole story, With a beautiful cut of the PRINCE in his glory.
Only fancy the feast at Guildhall--'t would be splendid, And then what if the LADY MAY'RESS condescended To honour the spread--and to give circulation To the Loving Cup--kissed to her liege Corporation!
Why there we should witness--whilst we was a-dining-- The Mace and the Sceptre in friendship combining, Bound together with garlands of laurel and myrtle; What a comfort to view as we sucked up the turtle!
Because we should hail in that union a token Of a tie to be never undone, cut, or broken; And a pledge that, as long as the Crown stands unshaken, From Reform London City shall save its fat bacon.
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MAN LOVES--WITH A SAVING CLAUSE.
An Old Maid, who confesses to thirty-five, says: "She doesn't believe--not a bit of it--in the nonsense that men talk about breaking their hearts! It's her firm belief there never was a man yet who broke his heart--or if there was, that he broke it as a lobster breaks one of his claws, another one shooting up very quickly in its place."
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THE DEMON OF THE MONEY-MARKET.
Any success gained by the Russians over the Turks causes a fall of the funds of course; because the CZAR'S invasion of the Principalities is in fact a mere Bear Speculation.
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A NEAT CHRISTMAS BOX.
There is a little book called "What Shall I Do with my Money?" Had not the author better send a copy of it to the Registrar of the Prerogative Court of Canterbury?
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THE GOOD OLD DRINKING DAYS.--When every Jack had his Gill.
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A VOICE FROM THE OMNIBUS-BOX.
"MR. PUNCH SIR,
"Wich it is well known you ain't no friend to 'bus drivers in giniral but as the friend of umanity our conductor says as ow you may be rote to on a subjec wich hevery man as works a 'bus on the Kinsinton line ave somethink to say to. Now the frost as set in its ard lines for our 'osses and nosayin wen youre to get thro a jurney along of that ere blessed Ide Par Corner ill and the Gore wich it is the artbreakinest bit o' road anyweres out o' London and osses lyin about this week in all direckshuns, like the stage at Hashleys arter the battle o Waterloo, and hinsides as sticks to their places and wont get hout no not to walk a hinch and the poor 'osses a tearin their arts out wich it goes to a man's art to use the wip to an oss as is doin its best, and conductors hup and down like arlekins hevery minit, and city-gents hawful cross and no wonder tied to time all as one as a 'bus. And all the while there's that ere byootiful bit o' road through the Park, nice new gravel and no ills and we mustn't turn out o' the road into the Park no not if our osses died for it and why not, I'd like to know?
Why acos we're 'bus-drivers and its a buss and the osses is buss osses and the riders ain't people as keeps their carridges, wich we arnt haristercratical enuff for the Parks as is public propity and kep up houter rates and taxes wich who pays them I know well enuff, and keeps them 'ere parties in the green livries so uncommon snug and pleasant not to speke o' the crushers. Now wot a city gent as rides reglar with me says is this 'ere ain't the publick convenience nothink and cruelty to hanimals wich we drivers is pulled up pretty sharp if we works an 'oss with a collar-gall, a speedy-cut or anythink like that 'ere and its forty shillin in no time. I'd a rote this to LORD PALMERSTON wich he said hanybody was to rite heverythink as was rong to im and e'd see justice done wich it aint now I know not by a jolly lot but he's out and so I rites to you instead opin you'll excuse the libberty and speke to the Guvment leastways SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH as is a friend o' the people wich is well beknown, to ave the Park hopened to public carridges--that is 'busses, for the cabbies can rite for themselves.
So no more at present from your umbel servant,
JOHN BROAD. (_Driver No. 3 Ardwick these twelve year and never pulled up wonst._)
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A WASH WANTED BY GOVERNMENT.
Tenders will be received at the Office of the First Lord of the Treasury, or the Office of the Foreign Secretary, for COSMETICS to Improve the COMPLEXION of EASTERN AFFAIRS.
By Order of their Lordships, Downing Street, 22nd Dec., 1853. R. E. D. TAPE.
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THE GYMNASTICS OF BRIBERY.
The power of lifting a chair depends entirely upon the way in which you take hold of it: and so it is with a seat in Parliament--perfectly hopeless to think of picking one up, unless you can command a good purchase.
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"WHO'S DAT A-KNOCKING AT DE DOOR?"
ALFRED DE MUSSET'S proverb tells us very positively that "Il faut qu'une Porte soit ouverte, ou fermée". The EMPEROR NICHOLAS seems to be of the same opinion, and he is now trying with all his might and main, both on land and water, to have the Porte shut up as quick as he can. We hope he will only succeed in having the Porte slammed in his face.
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A CHILDISH CONUNDRUM FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.
Q. Of what wood should a Christmas Tree be composed?
A. Of Box, and so make it a Christmas-Box Tree.
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CHRISTMAS WAITS--for "The Good Time Coming, Boys,"--only we suppose that, like us, Christmas must "wait a little longer."
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WORDS! WORDS! WORDS!--Long words, like long dresses, frequently hide something wrong about the understanding.
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THE OLDEST NOTE OF INTERROGATION.--A note, asking you if you are engaged on Christmas Day?
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EXPERIENCE.--Women dislike talkative men: they know how it's done.
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A LAZY HORSE.--The Pegasus of Genius seldom stirs without the spur of necessity.
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LIFE AND DEATH ASSURANCE.
Among our Provident Institutions are Life Assurance Societies for Parents, which are Death Assurance Societies for Children. They are otherwise called Coffin Clubs. They engage to find the money for the coffin: the subscriber, father or mother, finds the occupant for it--by murder.
The Grand Jury at the Liverpool Assizes has expressed its opinion that the temptation thus afforded should be destroyed by law. That might be done, perhaps, by prohibiting the club from paying anybody on account of a death but the undertaker. But what need of such clubs at all?
Such clubs are necessary to protect the poor from being ruined by a heavy expense. But why the heavy expense? When I have shuffled off this mortal coil--what does it want, except to be put reverently underground? Cannot that be done for a very small sum of money? Why is it not done on reasonable terms? Simply because the mode of doing it is not reasonable. Its performance is attended with a useless sacrifice of furniture--necessitated by the tyranny of custom--to show what is falsely termed "proper respect." Proper respect is affectionate memory--not furniture.
Should I want "proper respect" to be shown to my leg, if I had the misfortune to lose it, by having it enclosed in an ornamental box, and deposited in a subterranean apartment, with a large expenditure in wages, coach-hire, silk, and crape, and feathers extracted from the tail of a great bird? If the leg is not to be treated with such "proper respect," why is the trunk?
The rich show "proper respect" by means of ostrich feathers and such like. The poor are obliged to follow their lead as far as they can--and farther. Hence Coffin Clubs--whence infanticide.
Superior Classes, every nail that you drive to show "proper respect," is an incentive to child-murder.
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THEORY AND PRACTICE.
CARDINAL WISEMAN, in his interview with the POPE, promised his Holiness, that in a few years there would not be a single heretic in England. Of course this is only "theor-heretically speaking," but we are afraid the CARDINAL will find the practice quite another thing.
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THE HOME OF THE BRITISH DRAMA.--A French Crib.
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THE WAITS TO THE CZAR.
Word of Peace!--on Earth first spoken nigh two thousand years ago, Art thou at this moment broken?--and who dares belie thee so? 'Tis a tyrant, cruel, scheming, whose ambition takes the field In the very name, blaspheming, which that message then revealed.
Frost and snow, keen Christmas weather, and the biting winter wind, Bid us lovingly together huddle closely, all mankind; Blood is on the Danube freezing; wounds are agonized with cold, Only for the sake of pleasing one proud felon uncontrolled.
All good souls are now beseeching blessings on their fellow man, But one savage, overreaching, brutal despot, thousands ban. On the field of battle lying, torn and mangled for his whim, Hear we not the tortured dying call down curses upon him?
Nations now like kindly neighbours should, as round the Yule log, close. Must we take to guns and sabres? Will the tyrant make us foes? Hear the wounded writhing under Cossack hoofs and lances then, Gracious Heaven! and may the thunder of our cannon roar Amen!
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ORIGINALITY.
Originality (says GOETHE) provokes originality; and we must say, that at Billingsgate, and in the House of Commons, the provocation sometimes is exceedingly strong. The smallest provocation we know of the kind is in the British drama; in fact so small is it, that we doubt if it amounts to any provocation at all. We only wish some one would provoke somebody else to write an original play, by writing one first himself.
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THE GOLDEN AGE OF LIFE.--Youth is the season for active exertion; and all those who emigrate to the Diggings ought to be Minors.
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THE CAB QUESTION IN A NEW LIGHT.
Dirty carriage--wretched horse, Driver insolent and coarse; Prompt with ruffianly air To extort a double fare. If your rights you would maintain, And to Magistrate complain, Bullied by a Counsel brought To abuse you in the Court, For the dirty business paid By the union of the trade, Who can penalties afford From results of frequent fraud-- Gentle Public, if you'd shun Fifty nuisances in one, Write it down on memory's slab, "Never take a London Cab!"
Gentle Public, come with me, And another picture see. Handsome carriage--decent horse-- Driver neither rude nor coarse; For the same as Cabman's fare, Prompt to take you anywhere. If appearance you'd maintain, There's no reason to complain; To your door the Clarence brought, Fit to drive you, e'en to Court. Gentle Public, tell me why Don't you patronise a Fly?
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CHURCH CANNONS.
A DR. CHURCH has invented some pieces of artillery which load at the breech; and two of them have been tried at Woolwich with perfect success. In these days, when ecclesiastical authority is so greatly at a discount, we are glad to recognise a CHURCH whose cannons are a hit. We believe that these cannons cost much less than the average of cathedral dignitaries.
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CHRISTMAS PRESENCE.
Presence of Matter. In the Court of Common Council.
Presence of Mind. In Punch's Almanack!
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THE HANWELL COOKERY BOOK.
So much progress has been made in that humane treatment of insane persons, which allows them to follow their ordinary callings and pursuits, that nearly all the in-door work of many lunatic asylums is now performed by the patients.
Thus at Hanwell there are lunatic gardeners who keep their parterres and greenhouses in a most rational state of order and neatness, and we have not heard that the cracked violinist, to whose music his poor companions are allowed to dance, is in the habit of mixing up "Pop goes the Weasel" with the Dead March in Saul, or committing any similar instrumental vagary, as many might expect. Encouraged by the success of the gardening, washing, ironing, tailoring, and other experiments, the Directors of this noble establishment have recently attempted to extend this employment of the insane to the higher branches of household economy--including the great mystery of the kitchen.
But insane cookery, to judge of the specimens of the Hanwell cuisine which are now before us, does not seem likely to turn out so well as the simpler arts to which the presence of the wits does not appear absolutely indispensable. It is to be feared that the digestions of the inmates of the asylum might be seriously impaired by such dishes as the following:--
Soufflet à la Bombardino.
Take three-quarters of a pound of Dorking lime, two ounces of the best saltpetre, and a coffee-cup full of tin tacks. Beat well together with a whisk, bake for seven minutes and a quarter; add a few horse-chestnuts, a handful of cow's hair, and a gill of lemon juice. If the cook be a dissenter, or have secretly married the butler, the lemon juice may be omitted.
Apoplectic Jelly.
Take four hundred kangaroo's eggs, and when the water is hot simmer gently, stirring in dandelion leaves one by one: strain all through a thin deal board, and set it by in a pint basin to cool. This will keep for any length of time (if DR. CONOLLY is not allowed to look at it), and will serve as a vegetable for sick people or young children. If not sweet enough, add some indigo and a pound of steel-filings.
Oltenitza Pudding.
Take some old Russia duck and shred it in a stew-pan with as much water as you can pour in without putting the fire out. When the feathers are loose pluck them out carefully, and mince with forced meat for garnish. Put in half a tablespoonful of salt, a bunch of chopped straw, and a little grated pumice-stone, then add the rice. Sweeten to your taste, dress with your garnish, and serve in a napkin. A few tea-leaves sprinkled over, will make it look more inviting. If anybody comes into the kitchen while the stew-pan is on the fire, put it under the table.
Methuselah Fritters.
Have some castor-oil boiling, slice three large heads of mangel-wurzel, and put them in your castor-oil till quite crisp. Try them with your finger. If done enough they will burn you. Add three oysters, a nutmeg, a teacupful of brown sugar, and a capsicum. If more flavour is wanted, you may add a tablespoonful of Bath brick. Serve up hot on a gridiron. If for a second course, tripe may be substituted for the mangel-wurzel, but oil of vitriol is preferable.
Croquettes à la Conolly.
Steal a marrow-bone from which the marrow has been taken out, and burn it till charred. Then scrape it into a butter-boat, with two spring onions minced, an oyster-shell, and a quarter of a pound of dry glue. Put up in shapes, and let it stand till it is mouldy. Have some treacle cold, and when it boils, dip your croquettes in it one after another, and serve up in the middle of next week. If made with marine glue they require more care, but will eat all the crisper. The yolks of two shop-eggs may be added, but this is a matter of taste, and unless the eggs are very stale they will give your croquettes too nutty a flavour. Some roll the croquettes in the ashes, but this is not to be recommended, unless where there are foreigners at table and a man servant is kept.
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SERJEANT ADAMS ON A KNOTTY POINT.
MR. SERJEANT ADAMS occasionally makes sensible remarks. In the course of the other day, for instance, alluding to some misrepresentation of his opinions on the system of flogging, which had got abroad, he is reported to have said that
"He had for years watched the progress of that system, and had had ample opportunities of doing so, on account of so many children tried before him; and he had so frequently found that the commencement of a child's criminal history was with three days' imprisonment and a whipping, and after that beginning the child so constantly came back to this court, that his mind quite revolted from passing a sentence involving whipping at all."
"Give a young thief a whipping, and have done with him," is a very common prescription of Common Sense for the cure of juvenile delinquency. Common Sense, however, sometimes jumps to conclusions which are not verified. Common Sense uttered predictions concerning gas and steam, which have not come to pass. And the views of Common Sense concerning discipline for youthful offenders are perhaps rather too summary. "Give the young thief a whipping"--very good. The thing is done with small expenditure of time and material. It does not take many minutes: it is attended only with a slight wear of whipcord: cost you a farthing, as MR. PEPYS would have said: and a certain laceration of human integument, cost you absolutely nothing. You lose nothing whatever in raw material. Therefore inflict the whipping on the young thief. And have done with him? Ah! "If it were done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly." But it appears that you won't have done with him. On the contrary, after that beginning, the child constantly comes back to this court, as ASSISTANT-JUDGE ADAMS says. After all, is it not manifest even to Common Sense--if Common Sense will exert itself--that to attempt the reformation of a child--and for what else would you punish a child?--by whipping him, is really beginning at the wrong end? The application of the scourge belongs to the operative part--the surgery--of the treatment of criminals; and operations should be resorted to only when all other remedies have failed. Primarily, the whip lacerates the skin; but the laceration is succeeded by hardening of the part that was lacerated; but not only by that: by the induration, also, of any amount of heart that the patient may previously have been endowed with. After such a beginning, no wonder that he comes back to this court or that. No: the lash is a valuable application, so is lunar caustic, so is lapis infernalis, or the actual cautery itself. But reserve it for desperate cases. Resort to it only in those of subjects that have lost all sensibility to every other appeal. Keep stripes for the ruffian who savagely maltreats his wife; for the hopeless brute, for the irreclaimable blackguard. And administer them to him in such a dose that he will not readily come back to any court to have it repeated. But a little whipping is a dangerous thing. It degrades and brutalises without subduing. You must lash a human being like a hound if you want to conquer him as you would conquer a hound--and it surely would be rather too severe to carry flagellation to that extent with juvenile offenders. It is not fair, moreover, to use the rod till you have first tried the schoolmaster.
* * * * *
VERY UNSEASONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
One of "Our own Correspondents," speaking of the recent disaster at Sinope, rather startles us with the announcement that
"Turkey for the present is unquestionably worsted."
If this be literally the fact, we only hope our country friends will postpone their usual hampers until Turkey is itself again.
* * * * *
SEASONABLE INCONSISTENCE.
A jovial young printer of our acquaintance having declared the other evening that he had left off work, was found under the misletoe a little later most busily employed in printing kisses.
* * * * *
UNEVENHANDED JUSTICE.
Our old friend, SIR PETER LAURIE, in his recent modest letter to the Times upon the legal (as well indeed as social, moral, and in universal) worth and excellence of our Aldermen, marks with a special note of admiration the gratifying fact, that the number of acquittals from our City Police Courts falls considerably below the usual percentage. Recollecting SIR PETER'S old propensity for "putting down," we are in some degree prepared to find that such a fact as this should be a matter of rejoicing with him. SIR PETER clearly holds that the proof of the trial is in the finding guilty, and he has, doubtless, but a low opinion of those judicial courts where mercy is allowed to "season justice." "The rigour of the law" is clearly no unmeaning phrase in SIR PETER LAURIE'S eyes: indeed, we almost doubt if Judex damnatur cum innocens absolvitur be not in reality his first legal maxim.
Whatever SIR PETER'S present faults may be, there is no denying that he has rid himself of an old one. We cannot certainly accuse him of tenacity of opinion, when he shows himself so evidently prone to conviction.
* * * * *
CLERICAL TABLE-TURNERS AND SPIRIT-RAPPERS.
Clerical gentlemen are going about the country, giving entertainments, and making exhibitions of themselves, in connection with table-turning, spirit-rapping, and other freaks of furniture. The usual places of amusement, such as the concert-rooms and lecture-theatres are being occupied by clergymen, who admit the public at fixed prices to hear, but unfortunately not to see, the wonders on which they expatiate. By way of EXTRA ATTRACTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS we recommend any one of the Reverend Mountebanks to go the whole hog, or rather the whole ma-hog-any, by taking some establishment suited to scenes in the circle, and giving an entertainment, with a programme something resembling the following:--
THEATRE ROYAL ANYWHERE.
General combination of Table-turning talent. By a happy concurrence of fortuitous events, the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY, the REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE, and the REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE are now in London together and will have the honour of appearing in conjunction with the
MOST SPLENDID STUD OF HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLES.
For a few evenings, during Christmas, SAMPSON SPOONEY in his rapid act of horsemanship on the
WILD TABLE OF THE NEW CUT.
This astounding table will dash through an open window, spin round for a quarter of an hour, and conclude its wonderful performance by leaping out of the circle, with the REVEREND SAMPSON SPOONEY hanging on to its castors.
To be followed by the
REVEREND MEALY MOUTHPIECE AS THE COURIER OF EXETER HALL,
On six dining-tables in full gallop, all of which will take an astounding leap over each other's backs; and conclude by throwing a succession of somersets over a sideboard.
In the course of the evening, the
REVEREND JABEZ JAWBONE, IN THE HAUTE ÉCOLE,
will introduce his
FAVORITE AND HIGHLY-TRAINED TABLE "ROSEWOOD,"
which will dance the Valse à Deux Temps, go round the circle on three legs and terminate its graceful evolutions by a marvellous display of sommersaults.
The entertainments will finish with a pleasing act by MASTERS JAWBONE and SPOONEY, the celebrated juvenile prodigies, on a pair of card-tables. The intervals of the performances will be filled up by the solemn mummeries of the celebrated clerical buffoon, the REVEREND TIMOTHY TWIST, assisted by a Deathless Clown from Drury Lane, and other available talent.
* * * * *
"UNE BONNE BOUCHE."--When a young lady says her heart is in her mouth. (Hem! Hem!)
* * * * *
CATCHING PEOPLE'S EYES.
Compassionating the exceeding difficulty to which advertisers seem to be reduced, at this period of the year (when, as there are, of course, no Christmas bills coming in, one's wives and children ought to be reminded to make onslaughts upon the marital and paternal purse), Mr. Punch has kindly prepared, and hereby places at the disposal of the mercantile interest, a variety of advertisement headings calculated to attract the eye. Any person using any of them will enclose samples of his wares (carriage free, or porterage paid), to No. 85, Fleet Street.
* * *
A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOR EVER, an exquisite remark which would have derived additional force from the fact, if it had ever happened, that the POET KEATS, on the day he penned it had tasted the delicious Dairyfed Pork, sold by &c.
* * *
WILL MR. DISRAELI TAKE OFFICE? is a question asked by many, and answered by many others, according to their political views. But there would be no question at all, whether, if the article were placed before him, MR. DISRAELI, whose taste is unrivalled, would take our Potted Bloaters, price One Shilling, and to be had only, &c.
* * *
THE RUSSIAN FLEET HAS SUNK in the estimation of Europe since ADMIRAL BOTCHAMOFF refused to victual it with our pressed Beef. Surely this will raise the Beef in the regard of all true Britons, who have only to apply at No. &c.
* * *
LORD JOHN RUSSELL HAS HAD A FIT.--To be sure he has, and you may have a fit too, if you will have the good sense to clothe yourself, as his Lordship does, at the establishment of SMOUCH Brothers, Tailors, &c. &c.
* * *
HUSBANDS! BEAT YOUR WIVES, that is, if you can, in the struggle to make home happy. You will have the best chance of succeeding, by presenting them with scrubbing brushes, tooth brushes, nail brushes, hair brushes, bottle brushes, blacking brushes, bonnet brushes, paint brushes, and other domestic comforts, from Bristles and Co., at &c.
* * *
THE CHURCH IS IN DANGER!--No, not while her Ministers do their duty. But those who go to church, this weather, are in great danger of catching severe colds unless they wear Furs, and these can be best obtained at &c.
* * *
MURDER!--This very objectionable practice will never be persevered in by any person who will peruse the new and startling Novel of the "Tinderbox and the Tombstone," now publishing in TRASH'S Weekly Miscellany, price One Penny.
* * *
YOU DID IT! I SAW YOU.--And seeing you made me do it, and I will never again omit to do it every Saturday night of my life, Ma'am. "Do it--do what?" Can you ask? Buy Tallow Candles at DIPPS'S, Tottenham Court Road, &c.
* * *
THE LOVELY YOUNG LAVINIA ONCE HAD FRIENDS, and would have preserved them to this day, if, when she had them to dinner she had abstained from giving them deleterious compounds, which made them drop her acquaintance, and had caused them to drink the Sparkling Pale Ale, sold by &c.
* * *
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER HAS STOPPED--Yes, and we hope it will continue to stop the mouth of many an impudent pretender, especially any one, should he arise, who should pretend that BUGGINS'S Patent Warming Pans are not one-third cheaper, two-thirds handier, three-thirds neater, and four-thirds lighter than any other. To be had at &c.
* * *
YOUR WIFE HAS BOLTED.--She has indeed bolted the front door, thinking that you are not coming home to-night. But you will return, and the poor thing will be roused from her first sleep, and have to come down in the cold to let you in, for as for waking that EMMA, you might as well try to arouse LORD ABERDEEN to a sense of the honour of England. Why, then, not save your wife's health by furnishing your door with one of TUMBLER AND CO.'S Latch Locks? To be seen in action at &c.
* * *
GREAT FIRE IN THE PALACE.--"And a very good one, too," as Her Majesty was graciously pleased to remark, desiring H. R. H. the PRINCE OF WALES to let the poker alone, as with Coals at two pounds a ton, he must not be extravagant. Matrons of England, learn a lesson of economy from the first Lady of the Land, and show that you have done so by ordering your Coals at SLATES AND COMPANY, Whiteash Wharf.
* * *
THE THAMES IS FROZEN OVER.--When this announcement is made, the next thing will be that an Ox will be roasted whole on the ice. Without approving a proceeding which is rather silly and usually a failure, WOBBLES AND CO. must say, that their Patent Roasting Jacks (price Eleven and Eightpence) will perform the feat, if any invention can, and, in the meantime, will roast anything else, from a Plover to a Pig.
* * *
NEVER GO TO A THEATRE, at least not without one of WINDUM'S Air Cushions, which afford so luxurious a seat that you will be able to enjoy most performances, and almost to endure the deathless Clown without much annoyance.
* * *
MR. HARRISON AINSWORTH is quite well.--This circumstance will gratify that gentleman's myriad admirers, and their satisfaction will be complete when they are informed that, not only MR. AINSWORTH'S masterly works, but those of all other writers of celebrity, are bound by VELLUM AND TOOLEY, corner of Bobchurch Lane, upon the most reasonable terms, and with the greatest expedition.
* * *
A CLERGYMAN HUNG, with protracted admiration, over a M.S. of the eleventh century, found in the Bodleian Library at Oxford, and at last remarked, "I never saw such beautiful illumination, except," added the Reverend Gentleman, with that adherence to truth so honourably characteristic of the cloth, "except by means of the Sinefuliginous Percolating Adumbrellant Lamps, which, by the way, I perceive may now be procured, Wholesale and Retail, of all dealers, and also at the Manufactory at Walworth."
* * *
A NEW PLAY BY SHAKSPERE, if now produced, would probably be called "slow" by one writer, "ill-constructed," by a second and as "not in accordance with the time," by a third. More reverent judges would say that it contained the true Gold, that there were real Gems in it, and the Springs of action were seen in perfect working. Any one who should apply the above unfavourable opinion to BUNK'S Watches (warranted) would libel those masterpieces, but the terms of approbation, which we have said would be used towards SHAKSPERE, exactly characterise the Watches sold by BUNK at &c.
* * *
PALMERSTON HAS TAKEN POISON out of the London Atmosphere, so far as his admirable Smoke Prevention Act enables his Lordship to do. Eager to second his Lordship in promoting the purity of the metropolis, MESSRS. BORAX AND CO. respectfully recommend their White Curdy Soft Windsor Antigrimeopolis Soap, in packets of One and Sixpence, to be procured, &c.
* * * * *
A TRUMPET WITH A COLD.
The Sommerophone is a wonderful instrument, and MR. SOMMER ought to have the benefit of every publicity for his statement, that a certain defect remarked in its utterance the other night, during the frost, occurred, not, as was surmised, from any deficiency of understanding between himself and it, "but entirely through the severity of the weather, which," MR. SOMMER adds, "as all musicians well know, has a most detrimental effect on all brass instruments (particularly such as mine)." It thus appears that the alleged misunderstanding between MR. SOMMER and his instrument was a mere coolness on the part of the latter only. The notes seem to have been partially frozen in; and if, during the subsequent thaw, any of them came out again, as in a memorable instance, perhaps MR. SOMMER will state the circumstance. Possibly, as the Sommerophone had got a cold, it would have completed its solo later in the evening in question, if its proprietor had given it a basin of gruel and put it into hot water before going to bed. We have no doubt of the truth of that gentleman's assertion as regards most brass instruments; but he is mistaken in extending it to all. It has not been observed in the House of Commons that cold weather particularly affects the tone of the POPE'S Brass Band.
We knew that vocalists were liable to colds, and other contingencies of climate; but this is the first time we ever heard of a musical instrument being subject to fits of indisposition. If apologies are henceforth to be accepted for trumpets, ophecleides, and other brazen instruments, as well as for tenors and sopranos, we shall be constantly troubled with excuses on behalf of some capricious trombone seized suddenly with an affection of the windpipe, and, in the trombone, the pipe through which the wind is conveyed is of a somewhat delicate texture. The Professor threatens that his next performance shall be accompanied by a full orchestra; but if it should happen that all the brazen instruments are suffering from bronchial or any other affection of their tubes, the result will be far from agreeable.
* * * * *
FIFTY THOUSAND CURES
Of drowsiness, dejection, dolour, dulness, depression, ennui, ill-humour, indigestion (mental) from political or other reading, loss of temper, low spirits, melancholy, moroseness, mental anxiety (as, for instance, on a railway journey), sulks, stupefaction (by a debate in Common Council), sleepiness, spleen, general used-upishness, and many other complaints, have already been effected by the use of Punch's Almanack, which is Sold by Everybody, and bought by the rest. The infant may take it as well as the adult, as it is warranted free from all impurity, and contains nothing hurtful to the weakest mental stomach.
* * * * *
ANYTHING BUT AN ALDERMAN'S MOTTO.--"Dinner forget."
* * * * *
* * * * *
CHRISTMAS WAITS EXTRAORDINARY.
(From our own Reporter.)
There are some remarkable additions to the usual Waits this year, which the papers have uniformly neglected to notice. As Corrector-General of the Press, it devolves on Mr. Punch of course to supply the omission. Half a moment's reflection will, he thinks, convince any of his readers who would be styled "intelligent," that--
There's the EARL OF ABERDEEN Waiting--for the protracted war which will result most probably from his protracted peace policy.
There are the Rotten Boroughs Waiting--for the expected Reform Bill which is to put them in good odour.
There are the Inhabitants of London (and twenty miles about it) Waiting--for the extinction of that truly burning shame, the City Coal-Tax.
There are the Keepers of the Betting-shops Waiting--to evade the recent Act which apparently has shut them up.
There are the Women of England Waiting--for a law that will effectually protect them against brutal assaults.
There are the English Tourists Waiting--for hotels where they may enter without being let in.
There's many an English Operative Waiting--to find that his strike is in the end a heavy blow to him.
There's many an English Curate Waiting--to find that his income will exceed a London footman's.
There are the Readers at the Museum Waiting--for the end of the world, or that of the catalogue.
There's the Corporation of London Waiting--to be crushed by the Commission which is now sitting on them.
There's the Emperor of Russia Waiting--for the spring which will enable him to jump into Turkey.
And finally, there's Mr. Punch himself Waiting--very pleasantly on The Universe with his Twenty-fifth Volume.
* * * * *
WHAT IS THE WORLD LIKE?--Why, the world is like a stubble-field--in which the greatest geese generally pick up most of the golden grains.
* * * * *
MISSISSIPPI BREAKING HER BONDS.
Bind the woolly-haired slave, tarred with Nature's own brush, With base manacles load him; with vile shackles crush, He has no right to kick off his fetters, not he, But Bonds didn't ought to encumber the Free!
Let Europe's old monarchies labour and groan Beneath the hard burden and weight of a Loan! To be sure, though, Spain has had the courage to get The directest way out of the irons of debt.
Cut 'em through--that's the plan--as you'd sever a stick-- It don't take but one stroke, and 'tis done smooth and slick; Hurl the bits off to fly on the wild winds afar! Unless you keep one just to light a cigar.
For they are but paper--is paper to bind The young Eagle to Earth, when to soar he's a mind? He will snap the weak chain the first instant he springs With the sun in his eye and the steam in his wings.
Loss of credit! what's that to the souls who rely On themselves, and the hiss of the world can defy? What is debt? Don't the talented EMERSON say We have got other debts, besides money, to pay?
We reckon those other debts due first to fall, The cash debt's the one which we'll pay last of all; That's the genuine rule by which true Genius goes In settling the endless account which it owes.
From the glorious fact, that our bonds we have bust, Let mankind learn the lesson of thorough self-trust, Though our sister States credit may cease to obtain, And no mortal will trust Mississippi again!
* * * * *
A THOUGHT PICKED OUT OF THE COAL-SCUTTLE.--Vices are like coals--the more they are screened, the more the larger ones show.
* * * * *
* * * * *
* * * * *
Abode of Bliss (An), 113
Affair with the (Knightsbridge) Caffres (An), 154
Age of Compliments (The), 138
Agricultural Bruisers, 245
Agricultural Inquisition, 207
Alarming Accident, 137
Alarming Discovery (An), 218
Alarming Railway Accident, 95
Albert Statue Movement (The), 212
Alderman's Hope (The), 263
All my Eye and Beate Martin, 131
American Joke Explained (An), 262
Another and Another Still Succeeds, 148
Another Ghost, 145
Another Insult to Ireland, 37, 152
Another Insult from the Saxon, 124
Another Irish Grievance, 12
Another Money Question, 153
Another Rupture with France, 12
Albany for the Million (An), 223
Aristocracy and its Antipodes, 198
Arms of England (The), 178
Australian Clipper (An), 113
Autocrat's Anthem (An), 233
Bad Beer with a Good Name, 54
Bar and the Liberty of Conscience (The), 224
Barristers of England (The), 215
Battle of Spithead (The), 73
Best Christian (The), 108
Betting House Deputation (The), 62
Big Brother of Mercy (A), 30
Bishop in Distress (A), 107
Bishop on "Things Solid" (A), 206
Bones of Paganini (The), 143
Bore at the British Museum, 19
Bounce of a Pistol (The), 83
Breaking-up Day, 89
Bricks, 43
Bright City (A), 227
Britannia's Safety Belt, 176
British Consulate at Boulogne (The), 101
British Obsequies in Spain, 93
British Reasons for Boulogne Address, 136
Bully Bottom, 165
Burglary and Bronchitis Prevented, 192
Cabman, and his Good and Evil Report, 54
Cabman and his Pint of Stout (A Fable), 60
Cabman's Best Friend (The), 40
Cabman's Protest against the Hinjustice of the Hact (A), 70
Cab Question in a New Light (The), 265
Calico Calembourg (A), 221
Canvas Towns, 3
Carol on Caroline Chisholm (A), 71
Carving his Way to Iniquity, 42
Case of Clean Hands (A), 151
Catching People's Eyes, 267
Chagrin for Old Commodores, 29
Character in a Blue-bag, 4
Charity for Churchmen, 262
Chaunt (A), 113
Chaunt for the Choused (A), 183
Cheap Lightning Postage, 207
Chelsea Ghost (The), 115, 134
China and Back in no Time, 108
Choking in the Army, 13
Christmas Waits Extraordinary, 268
City coaxing the Crown (The), 197
City Inquisition (The), 216
City without Smoke (A), 124
Civic Simplicity, 147
Civil Cabman's Sauce (A), 81
Civil (very civil) War at Chobham, 3
Claims of Scotland (The), 186
Classicalities of the Coinage, 125
Clergymen in the Farce of "Turning the Tables", 256
Clerical Table-Turners and Spirit-Rappers, 258
Clever Clown Nuisance (The), 222
Close Contrivance at Winchester (A), 197
Cloth and the Plush (The), 123
Clowns of the New School, 213
Coagulated Horde (A), 53
Cobden on Evil Spirits, 214
Coming Struggle (The), 174
Confounded Bully (A), 251
Consultation "in articulo", 115
Cool Dog (A), 53
Corporation Table Talk, 246
Cotton Afloat, 118
Courtesy and Controversy, 215
Crown of Hungary (The), 142
Crown of St. Stephen (The), 147
Cruel King Coal, 202
Cruel treatment of the Poor and Lowly, 195
Crystal Nunneries, 3
Cure for a Cut, 77
Cure for Smoky Children, 217
Cure for the Conscience-Money Mania, 50
Curiosities of the Cattle Show, 247
Curious association of Ideas, 214
Danubian Homicide, 221
Daughter of the Camp (A), 27
Dear Entertainment for Dear Creatures, 133
Debate on the Hudson Question, 254
Decimal Coinage, 101
Demon of the Cupboard (The), 206
Determined Duellist (A), 32
Did you Ever? 171
Diddlesex Sessions (The), 222
Dignity of Trade (The), 223
Disappointed Director, a Fable (The), 121
Discounter's Dirge (The), 40
Disraeli's Coat and Badge, 125
Dolours of St. Dunstan's, 187
Domestic Results of the Camp, 20
Done Brown Again, 215
Donkey and a Mayor (A), 232
Doom of Westminster Bridge (The), 79
Dr. Cantwell's Income-Tax made Easy, 188
Drat the Eastern Question, 177
Dream of a Bagpipe (The), 158
Dye of Guilt (The), 188
Eagles at a Discount, 173
Earl King (The), 31
Ecclesiastical Auction Mart (The), 29
Editorial Candour, 136
Elections with Accompaniments, 21
Emperor at Boulogne (The), 151
Enemy (The), 91
English Hippopotamus to the French Ditto (The), 116
Enterprising Undertakers, 17
El Verdadero Descubrimiento D'Iximaya, 81
Etruscan Pattern (The), 162
Every Convict his own Chesterfield, 194
Evil Eyesight, 114
Exchange Chimes (The), 236
Exit Brooke--Enter Barry, 176
Expense of Making a Baron (The), 241
Facts for Cockney Naturalists, 246
Fallacy of Externals (The), 178
Farewell to the Camp, 92
Fashion and Influenza, 238
Fashionable Epidemic (The), 79
Fashionable Zoological Star (The), 255
"Fast" Literature, 144
Fast Men of Edinburgh (The), 192
Fat of the Land and Lambeth, 136
Festivities in Southwark, 162
Fighting Frewen and Sober Shelley, 90
Fine Old English Innkeeper (The), 177
Flourishing Business (A), 20
Flowers of the Towzery Plant, 104
Flushing a Sewer (A Citizen's Dream), 208
Fortune Tellers for Nations, 187
Freebooter of the Castle (The), 151
French Feast of the Poets (A), 201
French "Fusion" (The), 233
French Ties and Dynas-ties, 136
Friends of Cabmanity, 59
Fumigation of the Thames, 91
Further particulars, 157
Fusion of the Beerbung Cousins (The), 237
Game in the East (The), 50
Gare la Garotte, 253
Gardens without a Waterpot, 9
God Hymen to the Demi-God Punch (The), 193
God of Russia (The), 211
God of the Russians (The), 176
Gold Found in England, 33
Good Hater of Blue Stockings (A), 253
Goose Club (The), 186
Grand Dramatic Après Déjeûner, 157
Grand Scena from Oberon, 154
Great and Little Sportsmen, 108
Great Anchovy Case (A), 221
Great Cab Reform (The), 17
Great Catches, 101
Great Chobham Campaign, 47
Great Cure and Small Pay, 114
"Great Globe Itself" (The), 124
Great Indian Fact (The), 7
Great Jew Meeting, 48
Growl from the Scottish Lion (A), 63
Guillotine in China (The), 114
Hanover in Bronze, 195
Hanwell Cookery Book (The), 265
Hard Dealing with a Hawker, 254
Hardest of all Swearing (The), 4
Ha'porths of Philosophy, 151
Hat-Moving Trick (The), 34
Help to Jewish Emancipation (A), 22
Heroes of a Hundred Showers, 47
High Mettled Razor (The), 203
Hint from the Gallery (A), 10
Hint to Belgravia, Tyburnia, &c. (A), 92
Hint to Railway Rogues, 117
Hints for a New Edition of the Dramatists, 43
Hit at Two Houses (A), 82
Homoeopathy Superseded, 83
Hotel and Travelling Expenses, 171
House of Fame (The), 106
How Are we off for Soap?, 164
How Britannia Salutes her Babies, 174
How Ephraim Smug spoke against Police at the Vestry, and didn't persuade People, 166
How Europe may be Saved, 201
How to Pay your Taxes, 147
How to See the Teeth of a Beautiful Young Lady, 261
How to Write the Biography of a Woman, 118
Howl from the Hippopotamus (A), 168
Imaginary Conversation, 214
Imaginary Playbill, 84
Impertinence of Science (The), 155
Important Meeting of Smoke-Makers, 80
Important Note and Query (An), 235
Improvements of London v. the Improvements of Paris, 166
In East and North, 196
Infallible Bubbles, 138
Infection Glebe, 176
Infinitesimal Logic, 22
Injudicious Patriot (An), 243
Inn-Fluenza (The), 161
Innkeeper Rhymer (The), 211
Inquisition at Malta (The), 92
Inspection of Cavalry by General Punch, 18
Institution of Our Spectre of Chelsea (The), 131
Iron Bars of Music, 126
James's Powder and his Squib, 183
Joke at the Public Expense (A), 37
Joke of the Session (The), 23
Joke that must be Felt (A), 136
Jolly Old Waterman (The), 49
Judges' Chambers (The), 201
Justice for London, 207
Justice to Scotland, 205
Kenilworth Church and Kenilworth Castle, 67
Kensington Bus-men (The), 52
Key to a Difficulty (A), 38
Key to the Russian Question (The), 17
King Cholera's Procession, 133
King Leopold Reports Progress, 211
King of the City (The), 205
Lament of the Portsmouth Slopseller (The), 51
Landlords' Meeting (The), 144
Larvæ of the City of London, 167
Last Proclamation (The), 207
Last of the Paupers (The), 47
Lares and Penates for the Pothouse, 172
Law on its Last Legs, 23
Lawyers Abroad (The), 123
Le Grand Opera Enrhumé, 143
Leading Articles for Old Ladies, 102
Left-off Clothes for the Colonies, 227
Legal Curiosity, 247
Letter and an Answer (A), 197
Letters from the Bosphorus, 187
Libel on the Prince of Wales, 172
Life and Death Assurance, 264
Likely Joke (A), 33
Lines on the Burial of a Protestant in Spain, 123
Lion Rampant Mad, 106
List of Indexes (A), 8
Literature at Low Water Mark, 185
Literary Millionaire (A), 168
Little Money Question (A), 142
Lord Mayor's Show for 1853 (The), 157
Lord Sidnee's Show, 204
Louis Napoleon at Boulogne, 115
Lover's Farewell to Pale Ale (The), 185
Love's Labour Lost at Limerick, 63
Lundy Foot Linguist (A), 164
Mad Cabman's Fare of Sixpence (The), 47
Mahogany Possessed, 152
Manchester School of Poetry (The), 241
Market and Trade Report, 42
Marriage in "Mediocre" Life, 181
Martin in Jack's Gown, 49
Meat for Mawworms, 8
Meeting of the Rabbits, 164
Middlesex Ballad (A), 228
Milestone Treadmill (The), 72
Military Intelligence, 39
Milky Way in Lancashire (The), 194
Mississippi breaking her Bonds, 268
Model Railway Meeting, 226
Modern Mythology, 155
Money-Market for Infant Minds (The), 104
Mornington's Challenge, 39
Moustache and Beard Movement (The), 226
Mr. Peterloo Brown's Examination of the Oxford Statutes, 68, 77
Mr. Punch in China, 117
Mr. Punch in Dublin, 1
Mrs. Jane Gimlet to Mrs. Judith Punch, 202, 234, 254
Mrs. Magnall's Historical Questions, 10
Music, Malt, and Hops, 187
Music-Seller's Opinion of France (A), 171
Musical Pump (A),123
Muff Dropped (A), 244
NAVAL Intelligence, 182
Neglected Scotland, 253
Nesselrode Pudding, 215
Neutrality in Plush, 133
New American Movement, 107
New Cab Act (The), 28, 53
New Chapter in the Romance of King Arthur (A), 58
New Department of Flunkeyism (A), 138
New Lactometer (A), 90
New Turn in the Temperance Movement (A), 2
New Zodiacal Light (A), 122
News from the Theatre of War, 228
Nicholas's Dream, 247
Noble Conduct of Cobden and Bright, 195
Nuisance (A), 121
Nuts for Notes and Queries, 38
OBITUARY a Little in Advance, 232
Obstructing the Pavement, 143
Ocean Melodies,121
Old Flag (The), 164
Old Lamp and a New One (An), 251
Oldest Chancery Suit in the World (The), 33
Omnibusian Song (An), 118
Opinions of our Contemporaries, 134
Originality, 264
Organ Boy's Appeal (The), 141
Our Ancient Nicholas, 38
Our Beautiful Fashions of the Present Day, 145
Our Bottle Holder, 261
Our City Article, 155
Our Honeymoon, 8, 11, 31, 41, &c.
Our Meteorological Report, 29
Our Muddy Metropolis, 53
Our Quarter's Account, 21
Our Rupture with Russia, 14
Our Shabby Contemporaries, 147
Our Tourist in Paris, 94, 105, 122, 126, &c.
Our Young Lady at Spithead, 79
PALMERSTON'S Notices to Correspondents, 203
Palmerston Perplexed, 247
Papa to his Heir, 23
Parliamentary Bulletin, 74
Parochial Mudlarks, 153
Parsons and Doctors, 173
Parson's Parliament (The), 154
Passports improved, 73
Pat's Welcome to the Reaping-Machine, 127
Paying Culprits through the Nose, 194
Paying Shot before Battle, 205
Pax Vobiscum, 43
Peace Spectacle in Scotland (The), 163
Peaceful Solicitor (A), 187
Pebbles picked up at the Sea-side, 132
Pedestrianism at St. Stephen's, 42
Pedestrianism very Extraordinary, 93
Penal Dancing for the Protection of Women, 236
Perspicuity of Red Tape (The), 223
Perversion of a Clergyman, 121
Petition from the Medical Profession, 60
Philosophy Teaching by Conumdrums, 43
Photographic Glimpses of the Moon, 173
Phrenological Organ Music, 253
Pius Pinguis, 181
Plague within our Gates (The), 146
Plain Fare at the Palace, 218
Plan of Simplification (A), 245
Plato, Gog and Magog, 183
Plato's Republic Perfect, 201
Playhouse Pegs, 193
Ploughboy's Doom, 102
Poetry for the Peace Conference, 173
Poisonous Puffs, 39
Potman and the Prætor (The), 37
Poor Shakspere, 112
Pope's Post Obit (The), 137
Popular Laurie Ballad (The), 67
Post Office London Directory (The), 213
Postal Economy at Glasgow, 217
Price of a Lord Mayor's Gown, 222
Pride of England (The), 191
Prince, Pigs, and Parasites, 248
Prince Punch to Prince Albert, 216
Prison Disciplinarians, 141
Prophets in the Parlour, 252
Proposals for a New Art of Puffing, 251
"Provided Always", 2
Public's Address to his Cabman (The), 44
Punch at a Royal Christening, 13
Punch and his Pippins, 253
Punch the only recognised Promoter of Literature, 197
Punch's Potato Prophecy, 125
QUEEN Christina in England, 118
Questionable Advertisements, 158
RAILWAY Dog (A), 173
Random Records of a Run through certain Continental Countries, 161
Reading the (Dramatic) Stars, 231
Real Reason (The), 262
Real Scottish Grievance (A), 225
Real Smoke Nuisance (The), 62
Re-christening of the Bosphorus (The), 27
Recovery from the Cabman's Strike, 59
Regular Nuisance (A), 198
Remarkable Self-Sacrifice, 113
Remarkable Tribute of Siderial Approbation, 221
Resource for Young Ladies,
Return to Duty (The), 64
"Revenons à nos Moutons", 205
Review of the Medical Line, 112
Roses of Sharon for Australia, 53
Royal Exchange Clock (The), 228
Royal Lunch Prevented (A), 174
Rural Self-Denial Clubs, 184
Russian Impudence, 84
Russian "Mouches" in Parliament, 163
Russian Reasons, 19
Russian Revolutionists, 231
SABBATARIAN Meeting at Glasgow, 82
Saint Cabbie!, 112
"Salad for the Solitary", 223
Sapphics of the Cabstand, 42
Scenes at the Judges' Chambers, 235
Scotch Peerage in Peril (The), 237
Scotland Humiliated, 244
Seamstress that won't Starve (A), 14
Serjeant Adams on a Knotty Point, 266
Shall Ladies have Votes?, 224
Shameful Intimidation of an Old Gentleman, 144
Shaving by Machinery, 185
She will be a Martyr, 183
Sheriff's Dinners at Newgate (The), 201
Shocking Language, 67
Shocking Low Church, 234
Shoe Lane Raleigh (A), 112
Short and Saponaceous, 134
Shortcoming in the City, 242
Soldier's Dream (The), 11
Signs made Symbols, 148
Signs of the Times, 153
Sing a Song of Sixpence, 84
Singing-Boys minus Sevenpence at St. Paul's, 184
Something in a Sign, 165
Something outrageous, 227
Song of the City Remembrancer (The), 227
Song of the Transplanted Shamrock, 131
Song--Ripeforajail, 69
Songs of the Geological Society, 214
Songs of the Mendicants, 48, 77
St. Cecilia and St. Helen, 238
St. Cross Stingo, 224
St. Luke's and St. Stephen's, 61
Special Review of the Fleet, 74
Spirited conduct of Mr. Charles Kean, 44
Spiritual Manifestations, 13
Sporting at Windsor, 196
Sporting Regiment (A), 181
Stanzas to Erin, 18
Statue to Albert (A), 245
Strike of the Wives of England, 60
Striking Circumstances, 67
Summer Promotions, 116
"Sure Derbyites", 21
Sure Symptoms of Christmas, 261
TABLE-TURNING and True Piety, 243
Tailor Assassin (The), 64
Taken for Granted, 227
Talleyrandism (A), 235
Tap on a Tub (A), 241
Tasking a Bishop's Face, 248
Tavern Experience, 131
Tea-Table Talk, 10
Tea-total Movement (The), 62
That Very Small (Political) Party, 143
Theatrical Novelties, 224
Thoughts on the Savage Lions of London, 38
Tight Blockade (The), 181
To Correspondents, 111
To Fight or not to Fight, 171
To Professor Faraday, 22
To the Noble Airl, 162
Trap to catch a Mooncalf (A), 132
Tremendous Effects of a Kiss, 153
Tricks, but not Honours, 231
Trouser Mind (The), 251
Trumpet of Battle (The), 158
Trumpet with a Cold (A), 266
Turtle Benevolent Association (The), 242
Two Portraits of the Czar, 206
UNPROTECTED Female in Want of a Cab (The), 57
Unevenhanded Justice, 266
"Upholsterer to the Monument" (The), 223
VEGETARIANS in the North, 73
Very Good of the Pope, 163
Vested Right, 137
Visit of the Thames and Medway to the Royal Commissioners, 235
"Vow of Poverty" (The), 176
WAITS to the Czar (The), 264
Walker, 113
Wanted, a Nobleman!, 61
Warning to Vegetarians (A), 113
Wash Wanted (A), 263
Waste of Sympathy (A), 49
"We never Sell Our Appointments", 93
What can the Police be About?, 50
What I Saw, Heard, and Thought, at Chobham, 32
What is a Cabman's Mile, 32, 69
What is Man? 201
What is the House of Keys? 34
What you may Hear in a Bell, 91
Where are the Russians? 218
Whiskey above Proof, 70
Whisper in the Ear of Nicholas (A), 77
Who sends all the Conscience-Money? 77
Whys for the Wise, 203
Wild Flowers from Canada, 33
Winchester Soup, 184
Witness on an Election Committee (A), 7
Woman's Elevation League (The), 52
Women's Rights--Men's Noses, 192
Wonders of the Deep, 67
"Woodman! Spare that Joke", 163
Words of Peace, 168
Words! words! words! 263
YACHT Signals, 183