John Leech's Pictures of Life and Character, Vol. 2 (of 3) From the Collection of "Mr. Punch"
Transcriber's Note: Minor typographical errors have been corrected without note. Irregularities and inconsistencies in the text have been retained as printed. Words printed in italics are noted with underscores: italics and, in bold typeface, thus: =bold=.
JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER
From the Collection of "MR. PUNCH."
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., 8, 9, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. 1887.
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS
JOHN LEECH'S PICTURES
OF
LIFE AND CHARACTER.
[Illustration: CAUTION DURING THE MISTLETOE SEASON.
Pretty Cousin. "WHAT A TIRESOME GREAT AWKWARD BOY YOU ARE!--JUST SEE HOW YOU HAVE SCRATCHED MY CHIN!"
[Young Gentleman apologises amply.
[
[Illustration: MISS AND MISTLETOE.
Miss Gushington. "OH, DON'T YOU LIKE CHRISTMAS TIME, MR. BROWN, AND ALL ITS DEAR OLD CUSTOMS?"
[BROWN don't seem to see it.
]
[Illustration: CHRISTMAS EVE.
Ellen (who is so simple). "NOW, PRAY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, FRANK! WHAT IS IT THESE DREADFUL GAROTTERS CALL 'GIVING ONE THE HUG?'"
[FRANK shows her presently.
]
[Illustration: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
Arthur (on Pony). "HOLLO! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON YOUR HEADS?"
Juvenile Swell. "WHY, YOU SEE, EVERY SNOB WEARS A CAP OR A WIDE-AWAKE NOW! SO THE MEN OF OUR SCHOOL HAVE RETURNED TO THE OLD CHIMNEY-POT!"
[As Paterfamilias, we are sorry to say that we have observed this monstrosity many times this Christmas.
]
MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.
MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.
MR. BRIGGS'S PLEASURES OF FISHING.
[Illustration: AN APRIL FOOL.
Equestrian. "HERE, BOY! COME AND HOLD MY HORSE."
Boy. "DOES HE KICK?"
Equestrian. "KICK! NO!"
Boy. "DOES HE BITE?"
Equestrian. "BITE! NO! CATCH HOLD OF HIM."
Boy. "DOES IT TAKE TWO TO HOLD HIM?"
Equestrian. "NO."
Boy. "THEN HOLD HIM YOURSELF."
[Exit BOY, performing "Pop goes the Weasel."
]
[Illustration: DREADFUL JOKE.
William. "THERE, AMY! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THOSE FOR A PAIR OF MOUSTACHES?"
Amy. "WHY, I SHOULD SAY THAT CALLING THOSE MOUSTACHES WAS GIVING TO 'HAIRY NOTHINGS A LOCAL HABITATION AND A NAME.'"
[For shame, Amy!
]
[Illustration: SCENE--PALAIS ROYAL.
Garçon (to London Gent). "VOILÀ! M'SIEU! LE CHARIVARI--FRENCH PUNCH. GOOD MORNING SARE! OH, I SPEAK INGLEES VERRA WELL--I LIVE IN INGLEES COPPLE TRREE MUNSE. OH YAS--ALL RIGHT! NEVARE MIND!!"
[Jumps over three chairs and vanishes to the great astonishment of TOMKINS.
]
[Illustration: POOR MUGGINS!
Smythe (to MUGGINS, who, in the heat of the moment, has been drinking his wine out of tumblers). "THERE, MY BOY! THAT'S SUCH A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AS YOU DON'T GET EVERY DAY--AND BETWEEN YOU AND ME (very confidentially) BETWEEN--YOU--AND ME--I ONLY GAVE FOUR AND TWENTY SHILLINGS A DOZEN FOR IT!"
[Exit MUGGINS for an antidote.
]
[Illustration: SCENE--DRAWING-ROOM.
Enter HORRID BOY.
Horrid Boy (capering about). "OH, LOOK HERE, CAPTAIN! I'VE FOUND OUT WHAT CLARA STUFFS HER HAIR OUT WITH. THEY'RE WHISKERS LIKE YOURS!"
[Sensation.
]
[Illustration: A FRIENDLY MOUNT.
Party (whose nerve is not what it used to be). "YOU ARE QUITE SURE, CHARLES, THAT HE'S TEMPERATE?"
Charles. "OH, YES! COME ALONG! DO YOU THINK I SHOULD LET YOU RIDE HIM IF HE WASN'T? WHY, YOU MIGHT KILL THE HORSE!"
[Nervous Party is much flattered by the consideration of Friend.
]
MR. TOM NODDY'S FIRST DAY WITH THE HOUNDS.
[Illustration: UNABASHED.
Emily. "WHY, MY GOODNESS, FRANK! WHAT A DREADFUL BLACK EYE YOU HAVE! YOU ARE QUITE DISFIGURED!" Frank. "H'M, HAH! THAT'S VERY DISAGREEABLE, NOW; I WAS IN HOPES NO ONE WOULD HAVE PERCEIVED IT!"
[Frank has been so unfortunate as to catch a cold in his eye from sitting in a draught at Exeter Hall--so he SAYS.
]
[Illustration: THE FRUGAL MARRIAGE QUESTION.
Jones (of the Dandelion Club). "DOOCED JOLLY, I SHOULD SAY, TO MARRY ON £300 A-YEAR! THINK A SEE MYSELF WOCKING A CWADLE, AND FETCHING HOME THE MUTTON FROM THE BAKER!"
[Orders Glass of Dry Curaçoa.
]
[Illustration: IS SMOKING INJURIOUS?
Youthful Swell. "HAW! LOOK HERE! IS THAT CHEST OF CIGARS YOU IMPORTED FOR ME RIPE YET?"
Cigar Dealer. "WELL, SIR--I FEAR NOT--THAT IS, NOT RIPE FOR YOUR TASTE, SIR, FOR AT LEAST THREE WEEKS; BUT WE CAN SPARE YOU A COUPLE OF THOUSAND OF THESE GIANT REGALIAS TO GO ON WITH TILL THE WEATHER IS MILDER, WHEN YOUR CIGARS WILL MELLOW RAPIDLY!"
[Youth accepts the generous offer, and lounges out with a Giant Regalia as big as his leg in his mouth.
]
[Illustration: WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY.
Foxhunting Doctor. "NOT BE IN TIME! OH, NONSENSE! SEND MY HORSE ON,--SEE MY PATIENTS EARLY,--DRESS IN THE BROUGHAM,--THERE I AM!" (and we hope he may have a good run).
[We have been obliged to take the side of the carriage out, which perhaps the kind reader will excuse.
]
ADVENTURES OF MR. TOM NODDY.
ADVENTURES OF MR. TOM NODDY.
[Illustration: JEW D'ESPRIT.
Young Sholomunsh (to Young SNOBLEY, who is attired in his very best). "NOW, SIR! LET ME SHELL YOU A NISH SHUIT OF CLOSHE, MAKE YER GOOD ALLOWANCE FOR THE OLD UNS YER'VE GOT ON!"
[SNOBLEY'S feelings may be imagined.
]
[Illustration: CUPID AT SEA.
Angelina (to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity). "EDWIN, DEAR! IF YOU LOVE ME, GO DOWN INTO THE CABIN, AND FETCH ME MY SCENT-BOTTLE, AND ANOTHER SHAWL TO PUT OVER MY FEET!"
[EDWIN'S sensations are more easily imagined than described.
]
[Illustration: HOW VERY EMBARRASSING!
Gustavus. "MAMMA, DEAR! ARE MOUSTACHES FASHIONABLE?"
Mamma. "WELL, GUS. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY, BUT I BELIEVE THEY ARE."
Gus. "OH! THEN, IS THAT THE REASON WHY MISS GRUMPH WEARS 'EM?"
[MISS GRUMPH, as well as being strong-minded, is rather masculine in appearance.
]
AND
[Illustration: BY THE SAD SEA WAVES.
TOMKINS, DISCONSOLATE ON A ROCK, TRACES SOME CHARACTERS UPON THE SAND. TO HIM, MRS. TOMKINS (WHOSE NAME IS MARTHA).
Mrs. T. "WELL, MR. TOMKINS, AND PRAY WHO MAY HENRIETTA BE?"
[TOMKINS utters a yell of despair, and falls prostrate.
]
[Illustration: SCHOLASTIC.
Mother. "AND, PRAY, DOCTOR, WHAT ARE YOUR TERMS FOR HEDUCATING LITTLE BOYS?"
The Principal. "WHY, MY DEAR MADAM, MY USUAL TERMS ARE SEVENTY GUINEAS PER ANNUM (TO USE THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANCIENT ROMANS), BUT TO EFFECT MY OBJECT (?) QUICKLY, I WOULD TAKE A FEW FOR WHAT I COULD GET, PROVIDED THEY BE =GENTLEMEN=, LIKE YOUR DEAR LITTLE BOY THERE; BUT (AGAIN TO USE THE LATIN TONGUE) IT IS A SINE QUA NON THAT THEY SHOULD BE =GENTLEMEN=!!"
[Illustration: A STORM IN A TEACUP.
Head Nurse (with much dignity). "MISS MARY! YOU SHALL NOT STIR YOUR TEA WITH THE SNUFFERS!--IT IS NOT LADY-LIKE, AND I AM QUITE SURE YOUR PAPA WOULD NOT APPROVE OF IT!"
[MISS MARY howls awfully, and smashes tea-cup.
]
[Illustration: WAITING FOR THE CARRIAGE.
Charlie. "THIS WILL BE A STUPID AFFAIR, GEORGY."
Georgy. "OH! YES--ONLY A WHITE FROCK AND BLACK MITTEN PARTY--VERY SLOW!"
[Old Nurse wonders what next.
]
[Illustration: WORKING AGAINST TIME.
THE ARTIST GIVES THE FINISHING TOUCH TO HIS PICTURE. HE HAS BEEN SO BUSY THAT HE HAS NOT EVEN BEEN ABLE TO GET HIS HAIR CUT
[Illustration: DID YOU EVER!
Augustus. "I SAY, AUNT! DID YOU SEE WHAT THE NEWSPAPER SAYS ABOUT THE ECLIPSE?"
Aunt. "NO! WHAT DOES IT SAY? READ IT, CHILD! ANYTHING RELATING TO THAT WONDERFUL EVENT IS INTERESTING."
Augustus. "WHY, IT SAYS THAT IT IS EXPECTED TO HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY EFFECT UPON THE INFERIOR ANIMALS! MY WIG! I'D HAVE YOU AND THE GIRLS LOOK OUT FOR SQUALLS!"
[Disgusting, Low-Minded Boy.
]
[Illustration: A VICTIM OF FASHION.
Police Constable (to Boy). "NOW THEN, OFF WITH THAT HOOP! OR I'LL PRECIOUS SOON HELP YOU!"
Lady (who imagines the observation is addressed to her). "WHAT A MONSTER!"
[Lifts up the Crinoline, and hurries off.
]
THE BRITISH FORCES AND THE CRIMEAN WAR.
[Illustration: A HINT TO MAMMAS.
First Nursemaid. "LAWK, MARIER! WHAT A BEE-UTIFLE GOWND!"
Second Do. "MY! JANE! HAIN'T IT?"
[ They contemplate the Gownd for about a quarter of an hour, and the Children have the full benefit of the delicious North-East Wind.
]
[Illustration: DRAWING THE LINE.
Plush Adonis. "I SHOULD OBSERVE, MY LADY,--THAT IF YOU ENGAGE ME, I SHOULD REQUIRE TO BE AT LEAST SIX MONTHS IN TOWN, IN A GOOD NEIGHBOURHOOD--AND THAT IF YOU SHOULD AT ANY TIME LIVE NORTH OF THE NEW ROAD, I SHOULD EXPECT FIVE GUINEAS PER ANNUM INCREASE OF SALARY!"
[Fact.
]
[Illustration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION.
Groom. "BEG PARDON, SIR,--BUT WOS YOUR NAME TOMKINS?"
Tomkins. "YES!"
Groom. "IF YOU PLEASE, SIR, MASTER SAYS HE WOS WERRY SORRY AS HE COULDN'T SEND THE FEEATON--BUT, AS HIS YOUNG 'OSS WANTED EXERCISE, HE THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T MIND RIDIN' OF 'IM."
[TOMKINS bursts into a cold perspiration.
]
[Illustration: TOO MUCH!
Party (who hates bad music in the middle of the night). "WH-A-T!! THE WAITS! CALLED FOR A CHRISTMAS BOX!--STOP A BIT!!"----
[The rest is too terrible.
]
[Illustration: AN UNWELCOME VISITOR.
TALK OF A MAD DOG, INDEED!--WHAT'S THAT TO A WET ISLE OF SKYE TERRIER UNDER THE BREAKFAST TABLE ON A HUNTING MORNING, AMONGST THE NICE CLEAN TOPS AND BUCKSKINS?
[A Favourite Lawn Meet--and not a moment to spare.
]
[Illustration: MELANCHOLY.
Lord Eustace (a young Nobleman in love). "TELL ME, THOMPSON, ARE THOSE THE BIRDS?"
Thompson (his confidential Servant). "YES, MY LORD."
Eust. "THEY ARE YOUNG?"
Thomp. "THEY ARE, MY LORD."
Eust. "AND THE WINE?"
Thomp. "LAFITTE--44, MY LORD."
Eust. "YOU HAVE DRAWN THE CURTAINS?"
Thomp. "EVEN SO, MY LORD."
Eust. "AND YOU HAVE PLACED SOME COALS UPON THE FIRE?"
Thomp. "MY LORD, THIS MOMENT I HAVE DONE SO."
Eust. "THEN--THEN--LEAVE ME!!"
[And his Lordship pegs away at the Birds, drinks a Bottle of Claret, and feels all the better.
]
AND
[Illustration: VERY ALARMING, INDEED.
Professional Man.--"AH! IT'S VERY LUCKY YOU CAME TO ME IN TIME.--YOU SEE, MA'AM, YOU HAVE HAD INFLAMMATION OF THE BRONCHIAL TUBES, WHICH, ACTING UPON THE FLEXOR LONGUS DIGITORUM PEDIS, HAS OCCASIONED AN ABRASION OF THE DIGASTRICUS, OR, AS SOME CALL IT, THE BIVENTER MAXILLÆ INFERIORIS; AND WHICH MIGHT HAVE ENDED IN CONFIRMED DELIRIUM TREMENS, OR EVEN PREMATURE ELEPHANTIASIS. HOWEVER, I DARESAY, &c., &c., &c.
[Old Lady gasps for breath.
]
[Illustration: VERY ODD!
Lecturer on Electro-Biology. "NOW, SIR! YOU CAN'T JUMP OVER THAT STICK! AHEM!"
Subject. "JUMP? EH! UGH! LOR BLESS ME, JUMP! NO, I KNOW I CAN'T--NEVER COULD JUMP--UGH!"
[Thunders of applause from the Gentlemen in the cane-bottom chairs--(i.e. believers).
]
[Illustration: THE NEW PURCHASE.
Mr. Muff. "BUT--THEY SAID HE WAS WELL KNOWN IN THIS HUNT!"
Farmer. "OH, YES--AND SO HE IS VERY WELL KNOWN. HE'S BROKE MORE COLLAR BONES THAN ALL THE 'OSSES IN ENGLAND."
[Illustration: THE GREAT TOBACCO CONTROVERSY.
Clara (emphatically). "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, FRANK--I SHALL ALWAYS THINK IT A NASTY, ODIOUS, DIRTY, FILTHY, DISGUSTING, AND MOST OBJECTIONABLE HABIT!"
Frank. "HAW!--NOW, I'M REALLY SURPRISED, CLARA, TO HEAR SUCH A CLEVER GIRL AS YOU ARE RUNNING DOWN SMOKING IN SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE--FOR IT'S ADMITTED, BY ALL SENSIBLE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, THAT IT'S THE ABUSE OF TOBACCO THAT'S WRONG!"
[Which little bit of sophistry completely vanquishes CLARA.
]
MR. PUNCH'S ADVICE TO HOUSEKEEPERS.
[Illustration: "IF YOU WANT A THING DONE, DO IT YOURSELF."--No. V.
AS FOR JOHN THOMAS, THE BEST PLAN, OF COURSE, IS TO WAIT UPON HIM, AND THEN, PERHAPS (ALTHOUGH IT BY NO MEANS FOLLOWS), HE MAY BE SATISFIED!
[As most Domestics are fond of the Organ-grinders, you had better engage one of an evening for their amusement.
]
[Illustration: TOUCHING.
Groom (to Old Coachman). "WHY, GUV'NR, WHAT HEVER'S THE MATTER?"
Old Coachman (sobbing). "AH, WILLIAM! MOST AFFECTIN' SIGHT! I'VE JUST SEEN THE FOUR-IN-HAND CLUB GOING DOWN TO GREENWICH! TEN ON 'EM! BEAUTIFUL TEAMS! AND DRIVEN BY REG'LAR TIP-TOP SWELLS! IT'S BIN A'MOST TOO MUCH FOR ME!"
[Is relieved by tears.
]
[Illustration: MALAPROPOS.
Swell (loq.). "IN FACT, I'M QUITE USED UP--AND IF I DON'T VERY SOON GET TO SOME WATERING PLACE, I SHALL BE A--A--"
[Cartman pulls string--Grand display of the whole system of Fountains.
]
[Illustration: A WATER ABSTAINER.
Disgusting Boy. "I SAY, CLARA!--I'M SO JOLLY GLAD, I AM. DO YOU KNOW, ALL THE PIPES ARE FROZE, AND WE SHAN'T BE ABLE TO HAVE ANY OF THAT HORRID WASHING THESE COLD MORNINGS!--AIN'T IT PRIME!"
[Sensation.
]
[Illustration: ALARMING PROPOSITION.
Oyster-Man (to Hairy Gents). "OYSTERS, SIR! YES, SIR! SHALL I TAKE YER BEARDS OFF?"
[Gents have an uncomfortable idea that they are being chaffed.
]
[Illustration: OUR LAZY CONTRIBUTOR.
"THE VERY IDEA OF WORK THIS BEAUTIFUL WEATHER IS REPUGNANT TO MY FEELINGS."
[Extract from our Young Friend * * *'s Letter.
]
[Illustration: AN INDISCRETION.
Fascinating Gent (to precocious Little Girl). "YOU ARE A VERY NICE LITTLE GIRL; YOU SHALL BE MY WIFEY WHEN YOU GROW UP!"----
Little Girl. "NO, THANK YOU; I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A HUSBAND; BUT AUNT BESSY DOES. I HEARD HER SAY SO!"
[Sensation on the part of Aunt Bessy.
]
[Illustration: A SEA-SIDE DIALOGUE.
"HOLLO, JIMMY!--WHERE ARE YOU A-GOING WITH YOURN?"
"HESPLANADE!--WHERE BE YOU?"
"PROSPEC PLACE!"
[Exit Companions of the Bath.
]
[Illustration: MISPLACED INTELLIGENCE.
Mamma. "WHY, TOM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT NASTY DUST-PAN AND BROOM?"
Tom. "BROTHER FRED TOLD ME TO BRING IT IN AND SWEEP UP ALL THE H'S MRS. MOPUS HAD DROPPED ABOUT!"
[N.B. Great Expectations from Mrs. M.
]
[Illustration: SCENE: GREENWICH.
Senior Party. "DOG CART! GOOD GRACIOUS! BUT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO DRIVE?"
Junior Party. "NOT GOING A--DWIVE? WHY NOT GOING A--DWIVE? JUS--AIN'T I, THO'?"
[The last train has gone, and the Senior Party under the impression that the vehicle was a brougham, has accepted the offer of a lift to town.
]
[Illustration: SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S. ----
"I SAY, WHY AM I LIKE THE QUEEN'S CHIEF COOK? DO YOU GIVE IT UP?"
"YES."
"BECAUSE I AM IN A HIGH COOL-AND-AIRY (culinary) POSITION."
[Astonished Cadet nearly falls from the yard.
]
[Illustration: THE VERY THING.
Dealer. "I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY THE OSS YOU WANT, SIR--ABOUT FIFTEEN-TWO--GOOD SHOULDER, LIGHT HEAD AND NECK--WELL RIBBED UP--TAIL WELL SET ON, GOOD FLAT LEGS--PLENTY OF BONE----"
Gent (delighted). "YA-AS----"
Dealer. "NO SHY ABOUT HIM. A GOOD GOER, HIGH COURAGED, BUT TEMPERATE--TO CARRY HIS OWN HEAD, NICE MOUTH, AND SWEET TEMPER--FOR ABOUT FIVE-AND-TWENTY PUND!"
Gent (in ecstacy). "THE VERY THING."
Dealer. "HAH! THEN DON'T YOU WISH YOU MAY GET IT?"
[GENT subsides.
]
[Proceeds to perform that operation with corkscrew.
]
[Illustration: REMARKABLE CASE OF TABLE-TALKING.
Table (loquitur). "DON'T YOU BELIEVE HIM, MUM--I'M NOT MAHOGANY, BUT I'M VENEERED AND SECOND-HAND."
[Table dances about on its legs for a considerable time, and vanishes in a blue flame.
]
[Illustration: FRENCH AS IT IS SPOKEN.
Scene. Paris, a Table d'Hôte.--Old Lady at Breakfast.--The Garçon has been ordered to bring some fruit to Old Lady.
Garçon. "VOILÀ, MADAME!--Old Lady (who, in her Daughter's absence, will let off her French.) "OH! TRES BYANG, TRES BYANG, GARÇON; BONG! MARECEY, MARECEY, MAIS--THESE ARE CURRANTS--BYANG NAMPORT! CET EGAL--ONLY--JE N'AIME PAS SO WELL AS GOOSEBERRIES, YOU KNOW!"
[Instructive rather!
]
[Illustration: LITTLE DUCKS.
Georgy. "THERE NOW, CLARA--I CALL IT VERY PEEVISH OF YOU. YOU PROMISED ME, IF I LET YOU GO IN FIRST, THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE LONG, AND I DECLARE YOU HAVE BEEN EXACTLY AN HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES."
[Pouts.
]
[Illustration: A HORRID BOY.
Frank. "OH, I SAY, EMILY! AIN'T THE SEA-SIDE JOLLY?"
Emily (who is reading The Corsair to Kate). "I DO NOT KNOW, FRANK, WHAT YOU MEAN BY JOLLY.--IT IS VERY BEAUTIFUL!--IT IS VERY LOVELY!"
Frank. "HAH! AND DON'T IT MAKE YOU ALWAYS READY FOR YOUR GRUB, NEITHER?"
[Exit Young Ladies, very properly disgusted.
]
LONDON: BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.